RAMALLAH, WEST BANK- After three days of Palestinian terror attacks on Israeli targets, international pressure has come down mightily on the Palestinian authority to do something more concrete to stop it. In response Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat appeared on PLO-controlled television Thursday evening, appealing to Palestinian extremists to cease campaign of terror. "Seriously, guys, you need to quit it," pleaded Arafat. "I'm not kidding about this. You're going to get us all in trouble."
Bush had planned to unveil his plan for Palestinian statehood this week. The snag may have been for the best, however, since Bush's plan called for the West Bank and Gaza Strip to join the American Union as states number 51 and 52. The President was understandably very disappointed when the rash of violence preempted his plans. "It's a real shame, too. We had a state bird, song, and slogan all picked out. Palestinia: Land of 10,000 Craters."
During his address Arafat tried to clear up any misunderstanding about what he may or may not have said. "Remember when I said I wish someone would kill all the Israelis? I was kidding. Some of you, it seems, didn't pick up on that. Now I've got a lot of explaining to do."
Truth be told, Arafat has had very little contact with his former extremist friends in recent years. The aging PLO chairman and the radical group he founded have been growing apart for some time. Arafat has reportedly confided to friends that he dreads getting late night calls from his old Fatah buddies since they invariably want to include him in some sophomoric suicide bombing stunt.
PLO spokesman Abu Sharif expressed his frustration with the young militants. "Blowing up a bus was cool when we were 16, but for Muhamed's sake why can't you guys get past it. Grow up and get jobs, you losers."
"Also, stop writing me asking for money to make bombs," pleaded Arafat. "Since it takes me a while to go through my mail, that stuff sits around on a desk for Western journalists to find. It just looks bad, really bad."
As for the Palestinian militants, the few we spoke with were none too happy about Arafat's request. His hard line approach may impress Western governments, but it has further embittered his supporters at home.
One behandkerchiefed young man whose name we were unable to write down told us of his frustration with Arafat. "Yassir used to be one of the fellas, you know, hanging out at the Fatah clubhouse drinking a few pops and playing pool. But now that he's trying to get some UN cred, he wants to act like he never knew us. That is straight up wack."
During the broadcast, news broke of yet another car bomb explosion, this time in a settlement just outside of Nablus. "I mean really, guys. Can't I at least finish the speech before you start blowing stuff up?" cried a clearly exasperated Arafat. "This kind of thing is just embarrassing."