Saying Goodbye To "The Body": Jesse Ventura Wrestles With Our Emotions

Toogood Reports ^ | 6-19-02 | Doug Powers

[WrightOnTarget]

Jesse Ventura has dealt those who love to read and write humor a horrendous blow. On Tuesday Ventura announced that he would not seek re-election as Minnesota governor. The man who showed a nation the grim reality of what can happen when voters are presented with an array of choices about as appealing as heads of lettuce on the produce rack at the Chernobyl Piggly Wiggly has said he will leave office at the end of his term.

Ventura said he was waiting to announce his intention to not seek another term until after his Far East trade mission to China. The announcement brought tears to the eyes of many. Some of the tears were from supporters who had hoped to see him run again, and some of them were from people who were laughing their asses off after hearing the words "Jesse Ventura" and "Far East trade mission" in the same sentence. It was a productive meeting and both parties traded knowledge. Thanks to the Chinese, Ventura is now much more familiar with the oriental mind, style of government, and methods of production. Thanks to Ventura, the Chinese now know which jig works best to catch Walleye.

I don't usually offer personal pleas in this space, other than subconscious ones for professional help, but the nation needs to continue chuckling now more than ever and I hope Ventura changes his mind and runs for re-election. For now, all bets are off and it looks like Ventura will definitely step down.

Admit it, when Ventura was elected as a third party candidate back in '98, you salivated as you envisioned his losing it on national television and crushing Bernard Shaw with a flying leg drop off the top turnbuckle, taking out Cokie Roberts with a metal folding chair across the back or putting Bryant Gumbel's ego in a sleeper hold. The latter of which would be any politician's quick ticket to the office they seek. Forget about polling data, issues, and palm pressing. If you want a popularity rating that gets up so high you'd swear it's been sniffing around in Woody Harrelson's stash drawer, beating the living crap out of Bryant Gumbel should do it.

Since his election, I've been a little disappointed. My expectations far exceeded reality. Ventura's said and done a few stupid things, but far less than you'd expect from your typical ex-wrestler. He's also worn suits more and more and his biker gear less and less. Maybe he's doing the right thing by stepping down. Of course, maybe he's just doing it for the money. From what I understand, once he cleans out the Governors Mansion he should clear an easy twenty grand in deposit money after he returns all the empty kegs his son left in there.

I really hope that the fact that his kid had a few parties in the Mansion isn't the reason Ventura's not running for re-election. I understand the fact that the Mansion is a place to be treated with respect, but boys will be boys. I think the Minnesota voters understand that. As of yet the only person I've heard about who has been angered by all the parties in the Minnesota Governors Mansion was Bill Clinton, but that was only because he wasn't invited.

High hopes abounded after Ventura's election. I thought that it might encourage professional wrestlers at all levels and their fans to enter our political system. If that worked, it may have even opened the door for those on the next intellectual level down — Price is Right contestants. If some of our leaders made their decisions based on where the chip landed on the Plinko Board, we'd end up with about a 50/50 chance of its being correct. Those are far better odds than the intellectual role of the dice many of our politicians perform now.

If Ventura does retire, maybe we can look forward to another book. Since his election he's written two books that were slow sellers. Not for lack of interest, but because sales moved forward at a snail's pace as wrestling's fan base learned to read.

What does the political future hold for the man who became famous for grappling with other men and wearing feather boas? Well, I'll tackle the subject of Barney Frank in a future column, but for now I'd like to stick to the topic of Jesse Ventura and wish him the best of luck on his future matches — I mean, future endeavors.

To comment on this article or express your opinion directly to the author, you are invited to e-mail Doug at comedywriter@voyager.net or visit his website at www.dougpowers.com

[Sonny M]

Ventura was somone who claimed to be a libertarian, talked like a libertarian and even sounded like one, but then decided to act like a liberal after a couple of years. This politics, it is a dirty business.