Posted on 06/11/2002 8:28:37 AM PDT by BIOMAN
Memo to All Employees
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from > 8:00 a.m. to 8:10 a.m., employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 a.m. to 8:20a.m. and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employee's' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item & Amount
Gross Pay $1,222.02
Income Tax $ 244.40
Outgo Tax $ 45.21
State Tax $ 11.61
Interstate Tax $ 61.10
County Tax $ 6.11
City Tax $12.22
Rural Tax $ 4.44
Back Tax $ 1.11
Front Tax $ 1.16
Side Tax $ 1.61
Tic-Tacs $ 1.98
Thumbtacks $ 3.93
Carpet Tacks $ 0.98
Stadium Tax $ 0.69
Flat Tax $ 8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate Tax $ 2.60
Parking Fee $ 5.00
F.I.C.A. $ 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $ 9.95
Life Insurance $ 5.85
Health Insurance $ 16.23
Dental Insurance $ 4.50
Mental Insurance $ 4.33
Reassurance $ 0.11
Disability $ 2.50
Ability $ 0.25
Liability $ 3.41
Unreliability $ 10.99
Coffee $ 6.85
Coffee Cups $ 66.51
Floor Rental $ 16.85
Chair Rental $ 0.32
Desk Rental $ 4.32
Union Dues $ 5.85
Union Don'ts $ 3.77
Cash Advance $ 0.69
Cash Retreats $121.35
Overtime $ 1.26
Undertime $ 54.83
Eastern Time $ 9.00
Central Time $ 8.00
Mountain Time $ 7.00
Pacific Time $ 6.00
Time Out $ 12.21
Oxygen $ 10.02
Water $ 16.54
Heat $ 51.42
Cool Air $ 26.83
Hot Air $ 20.00
Miscellaneous $ 113.29
Sundry $ 12.09
Various $ 8.01
Net Take Home Pay $ 0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week. The Management
'human resources'. The term makes my skin crawl. Talk about someone needing a 'real' job.
And to the other posts: You will NOT have the two cents left over because it costs money to give you those psych tests, personality tests and urine tests.
When I took over as manager a few years ago in my company, the employees were averaging 12 sick days a year. I now have it down to under three days a year and I am still writing people up for excessive absenteeism. I consider anything over one day every five years excessive. (Though I only write up those who take more than three in a calendar year.)
I hate sick days!
I hate taking sick days, too. But I figure if I've got something contagious, I'm not doing anyone else any favors if I drag myself to work and give it to everyone else. I'll dial in and work from home, or catch up on reading tech manuals.
Otherwise you are incentivising lying about being sick.
GE did a study and found that over half their employees were taking exactly the allowed number of sick days a year they were allowed. They now give generic time off.
You sound like a real jerk to work for. Only a fool leaves 'money on the table' when all they have to do is take it. Do you want to have an office full of fools working for you? (Perhaps you do, it makes sense for some brain dead jobs.)
You need not worry ever working for me. I don't hire slackers who see sick time as "money on the table."
Ah, you must have worked for one of my old employers several years ago (a consulting firm in White Settlement, TX where I thankfully spent only 2 months before my paycheck bounced for the first and last time). There was a clipboard for each restroom with a stopwatch and an employee roster. Each employee got two 2-minute bathroom breaks a day. When we had to go (24 of us in our office), we had to go get a supervisor, and the supervisor then had to follow us into the restroom then fill out the form each time. There were no doors on the stalls, and two security cameras per restroom. This is the God's honest truth.
This particular company is no longer in business (probably because the supervisors were so busy filling out john-related paperwork that they never had time to get any productive work done). You have to wonder why :)
YES! It WAS Pacific Bell! How did you know that???
I've heard that excuse too. Using that logic, you might as well shut the world down. There's always somebody sick somewhere.
I always wondered why so many get the "flu" on Fridays and Mondays or on the first spring day it hits 70 degrees.
I only get the flu about once every five years despite the fact that I am around kids a lot and come in contact with many people during the course of the day. I eat right, sleep well and wear short sleeves from March to November (in New England). Many people set themselves up for getting colds by bundling up too much in winter or keeping the heat in the house up too high - turning the home into a breeding house for germs. In mid-winter, I open all the windows in the house at least once a week to air it out.
As I tell my employees, we get weekends off, holidays off, several weeks of vacation a year and five "floating" holidays. There is simply no excuse for "banging" out sick unless you are literally unable to get out of bed.
I think it's reasonable that if a person is sick more than a certain amount, that supervision asks the company doctor to follow up. But you sound like you just accuse them to your management of cheating the system.
People are actually more likely to get sick when their co-workers take sick days because now they have to work twice as hard to pick up the slack of the co-worker who is relaxing at home (or on the golf course).
If you really cared about your co-workers, you'd come to work every day and do the job you were hired to do.
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