Posted on 05/04/2002 5:14:16 AM PDT by Apolitical
One of Canada's three latest political refugees happily greets reporters after been granted refugee status by a local immigration board after an intensive thirty-second hearing. He said he was grateful for the political asylum granted to him by sympathetic Canadian officials and looked forward to killing them and their families once he got settled in his new life in Montreal.
Canada welcomed three high-profile immigrants earlier this week as Osama Bin Laden, Mullah Omar and Radavan Karadzic were all granted refugee status under the country's generous -- and some say lax -- immigration and refugee policy. Despite recent U.S. criticisms of Canada and the number of terrorists it allegedly harbours -- most recently in a in a highly critical segment on "Sixty Minutes" -- Deputy Prime Minister John Manley said that Bin Laden, Omar and Karadzic all went through proper channels to become potential Canadian citizens.
"Like all potential immigrants granted refugee status, they landed at a Canadian airport, filled out the proper refugee forms, submitted to being frisked and having their bags searched, and then we put them up in a hotel and gave them each a generous allowance to keep them going until their welfare benefits kick in and their refugee hearings are scheduled for ten or twenty years from now," Mr. Manley noted.
RCMP officers at Mirabel airport, outside Montreal, where the three landed, said that nothing illegal was found on any of their persons or in their belongings. "We did find a couple of extra glass eyes on Mullah Omar's person, and once we found that they didn't contain explosives we gave them back," noted RCMP spokesperson Alicia Libertine. "We also gave Mr. Omar a voucher to obtain several more glass eyes courtesy of our health care system and an eyepatch just in case.
"Bin Laden himself only carried clothes and several bags of Twizzlers with him, and Karadzic had some styling mousse that we did have to confiscate, not because it was dangerous, but because we think he'd look a lot better if he didn't wear his hair in that slicked up, gangsterish way. Now that he's in North America, he should understand that appearance is everything."
Deputy P.M. Manley denied that Canadian taxpayers were being forced to support and protect war criminals and terrorists. "They are 'alleged' terrorists and war criminals, until proven otherwise. This is Canada. Ottawa dictates policy here, not Washington. All I can say is, these men have filled out the proper forms. And there is no doubt that they all are in danger for their lives if they return to their own countries, or anywhere else for that matter, simply because of their political views, and in Canada that means you qualify as a refugee. It's the same for all those old Nazis we let stay here. I mean, if they went back to the Ukraine, or Poland, or Germany, they could actually get charged for having killed all those people they killed! It just isn't right. We are simply supporting freedom of expression, which is something the United States claim they do, but they really don't. We're morally superior to them, as any European nation would confirm."
Further addressing concerns that the three would be sponging off the state, Manley said that "they will all be given jobs as soon as possible, so Canadians needn't worry about that. None of these men want to be welfare bums."
Bin Laden, Manley said, will be teaching international relations (in a course tentatively titled "Death to America 100Y") and a special course in spelunking at Montreal's prestigous McGill University, as well as a graduate course on ethnic and gender relations. And Mullah Omar is expected to fulfill his dream of becoming a junior kindergarten teacher. "He loves kids and loves leading singalongs," confided Manley. "I'll bet you didn't know that, eh? The media is so biased in favor of the jingoist American point of view that they just haven't been fair to these people."
Karadzic will be teaching a poetry writing course, possibly at York University in Toronto. All three have promised not to kill anyone in their off hours while in Canada and not to affiliate with any terrorist groups. Instead, noted Manley, "Bin Laden and Omar will be working with a Muslim charity while here. And Karadzic is going to volunteer with the forensic coroner's office in Toronto. He's really looking forward to it."
No information has been offered yet regarding the intentions of the three new refugees when they cross the border into the U.S. using their new Canadian passports.
Reached for comment about these developments, U.S. President Bush did comment: "Now I'm really glad I said Mexico was America's best friend."
Marni-Rebecca Malarkey is the author of 'The Underwire Chronicles' and can be contacted by e-mail at marnimarlarkey@yahoo.com
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