Posted on 04/18/2002 7:45:49 AM PDT by meandog
Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards given annually to the individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the gene pool.
Now, we have the Stella Awards given to the individuals who win the most frivolous lawsuits ever. The Stella Awards are named in honor of 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.
The following are candidates for the award:
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October, 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.
5. December 1997: Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boy-friend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, DE., successfully sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies ! room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
A. Not enough lawyers.
Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Now, someone should start the Stella Awards.
Thanks for the post. It's funny, but also very sad.
Since the typical Darwin award winner has the decency to die or at least be seriously mangled for their efforts, perhaps the Stella winner should be sued by the rest of the population for inflicting their stupidity on us.
Thank You for pointing this out. My blood pressure was rising to dangerous levels as I read these.
The sad thing is that we have become such a litigious society that these stories are almost believable.
(by Joseph Perkins)
After a smashing debut last year, it is time to announce the second annual "Stella" awards, which highlight the most outlandish lawsuits of the year. The award is named for Stella Liebeck, the Albuquerque, N.M. woman who became an instant millionaire -- and American icon -- after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee in her lap and winning a judgment against the fast-food chain.
The Stellas are a celebration of the New American Dream. That is -- to get rich (the quicker the better) not from hard work or creative genius or wise investment, but by taking a claim to court and persuading a jury to sock it to some deep-pocket defendant (or, at least, the defendant's insurance company).
So, without further ado, the recipients of the 1997 Stellas:
Best Multimillion-Dollar Claim By A Grieving Mother.
Jackie Robles lost her two baby girls this past fall after they wandered out of their Upland apartment onto nearby train tracks. The 3-year-old and 22-month-old were killed by a passing commuter train.
No sooner had her daughters been laid to rest than Robles filed a $30 million lawsuit against the local transportation authority. She claimed that the agency was responsible for the deaths of her two little girls because they had neglected to fence off the track to prevent such a tragedy.
Never mind that Robles had fallen asleep with the door wide open when her daughters wandered over to the train tracks or that the grieving mom tested positive for methamphetamine use.
Best Claim By A Jurassic-Era Plaintiff.
He's one of the highest-paid entertainers in America. He stars in his own TV series. His videotapes are in big demand. He does a live show at Universal Studios. He's "authored" several best-selling books.
So Barney, the multimillionaire purple dinosaur, doesn't want anyone poking fun at his image. And that's why his lawyers filed a claim against the "Famous Chicken," a.k.a. Ted Giannoulas, seeking damages for trademark infringement.
Barney's lawyers say that the Chicken "would punch, flip, stand on, and otherwise assault" their purple client as part of his act at baseball parks, hockey rinks and basketball courts. They think Barney is entitled to at least several hundred thousand dollars for pain and suffering.
Best Use Of Common Food Staple In Personal Injury Claim.
Notwithstanding the clever TV commercials (Got milk?), and the hip magazine ads with various celebrities adorned with milk mustaches, a Seattle man is persuaded that milk is harmful to health.
In fact, Norman Mayo filed a suit against the Safeway supermarket chain and the Washington state dairy industry, claiming that he suffered clogged arteries and a mild stroke after a lifetime of drinking milk.
"They push their dairy products without warning you of the hazards (fat and cholesterol)," said Mayo, who described himself as a milk-a-holic. "If tobacco products can be required to have warning labels, why not dairy products?"
Mayo is asking for medical expenses and cash for his troubles. And while he waits for Safeway and the dairy industry to settle, he limits his milk habit to nonfat or skim.
Most Artful Interpretation Of State Law For Purposes Of Greenmailing An Entire Industry.
A Bay Area attorney, William Henley, has filed $9 million worth of lawsuits against several leading software makers, including Symantec, Xerox, Corel, Mindscape and Vertisoft/Quarterdeck. His complaint charges that the companies package their software -- which may consist of a couple of floppy disks or a CD-ROM disk and maybe an owner's manual -- in boxes that are too big.
Henley's multimillion-dollar claim is based on two California laws (the Fair Packaging and Labeling and the Unfair Competition Law) that were originally enacted to protect consumers from companies that pack a small amount of food in a large box. The lawyer claims the software makers are being similarly deceptive by packaging their products, which take up little space, in big, colorful boxes.
But not even consumers' groups are willing to sign on to Henley's lawsuit. In fact, the staff attorney for the Consumers Union in San Francisco said he didn't think consumers were deceived by software packaging.
So those are the recipients of the second annual Stella awards. Let's toast them with a nice Styrofoam cup of coffee. (Copyright 1997 Union-Tribune Publishing Co.)
Citizens Against Lawsuit Abuse (CALA) is a non-profit, educational group in the greater Los Angeles area dedicated to putting an end to lawsuit abuse. CALA serves as a watchdog group over the legal system and those who seek to abuse it for unfair financial gain. CALA currently has nearly 10,000 supporters in the greater Los Angeles area. Consumers can call 1-800-293-2252 to receive a free action kit.
Teri Smith TYLER, Plaintiff,
v.
James CARTER, William Clinton, Ross Perot, American Cyanamid, Iron Mountain Security Corporation, Defense Intelligence Agency, IBM, David Rockerfeller [sic], Rockerfeller [sic] Fund, BCCI, NASA, Defendants.
No. 92 Civ. 8658 (CSH)
Nov. 5, 1993
BACKGROUND
Plaintiff Teri Smith Tyler, appearing pro se, filed a complaint in December 1992 alleging a bizarre conspiracy involving the defendants to enslave and oppress certain segments of our society. Plaintiff contends she is a cyborg, and that she received most of the information which forms the basis for her complaint, through ``proteus,'' which I read to be some silent, telepathic form of communication. ... She asserts that the defendants are involved in the ``Iron Mountain Plan,'' which provides for the reinstitutionalization of slavery and ``bloodsports'' (which she identifies as death-hunting and witchhunting), and the oppression of political dissidents, herself included. Plaintiff's complaint alleged a number of personal indignities visited upon her by defendants: ``strafing of my dormitory room by planes and helicopters, the electronic bugging of my student rooms and apartments, deliberate noise harassment, blasting of loud rock music with lyrics designed for witch-hunts (music about social pariahs) ... students following me around to prevent me from studying, whispering campaigns and social ostrification ...'' ... Plaintiff also makes the following allegations against the defendants. Former President Jimmy Carter was the secret head of the Ku Klux Klan; Bill Clinton is the biological son of Jimmy Carter; President Clinton and Ross Perot have made fortunes in the death-hunting industry, and are responsible for the murder of at least 10 million black women in concentration camps, their bodies sold for meat and their skin turned into leather products. The defendants are also responsible for breeding farms, which turn out 2,000 black girls a year, who are then sold for recreational murder or as human pets. Additionally, the defendants utilize weather control and earthquake technology to threaten other countries that object to the Iron Mountain Plan.
Plaintiff asks the Court to grant her the following relief:
1. $5.6 billion in compensatory and punitive damages;
2. A physical accounting of all black women born since 1940, including their present, whereabouts, and for those who have died, an investigation into how they died;
3. The purchase of land in Africa for the emigration of abused black women;
4. The bringing to justice of those responsible for the American holocaust;
5. An investigation into the foster care system, and a physical accounting of all black children placed into foster care;
6. An end to slavery in the United States;
7. The end of the cyborg program run by NASA, the Defense Intelligence Agency, American Cyanamid and IBM;
8. An end to the organ donor program
While plaintiff was trying to effect proper service of the summons and complaint on the defendants, she made a number of appeals to the Court for interim relief in the form of Orders to Show Cause. On January 20, 1993, she asked the Court to enjoin the inauguration of President Clinton. The Court denied her request as moot. In August, 1993, she moved to enjoin the installation of Louis Freeh as Director of the FBI on the ground that Clinton appointed Freeh only so Freeh could cover up evidence of Clinton's wrongdoing. That motion was denied, as it lacked a sufficient evidentiary basis.
Presently before the Court is an Order to Show Cause why the Court should not enjoin the trial in the World Trade Center bombing case, now proceeding in this Court before Judge Duffy. Plaintiff alleges that President Clinton ordered the bombing of the World Trade Center in order to justify war with Iraq. In support of her application, plaintiff describes certain ``proteus'' communications she had with other individuals. Plaintiff alleges that the United States invaded Panama and arrested General Noriega because Noriega objected to United States soldiers raiding Indian tribes in Central America for child sex slaves to torture in American cocaine based thrill-killing rackets. Plaintiff contends she wrote to Noriega asking him to join in her lawsuit, but that United States soldiers holding Noriega beat him when he asked for his mail.
Plaintiff asserts that in 1988, Rajiv Gandhi spoke to her through ``proteus'' and informed her that he was being held prisoner and sexually abused by a man whom he had caught stealing from the funds generated by the Bhopal disaster settlement. According to plaintiff, Yasser Arafat tried to confirm Ghandi's tale of abuse on behalf of the plaintiff, to no avail.
Plaintiff additionally contends that Gulf War against Iraq was undertaken so that American could restock its sexual slavery camps, which had been depleted. 40,000 Iraqi soldiers captured by the United States, selected for their physical attractiveness, have been brought to this country where they were ``being beaten, forced to run gauntlets and homosexually gang-raped by American soldiers.'' Plaintiff claims to have confronted Secretary of Defense Cheney with evidence of this allegation. Cheney, through ``proteus,'' purportedly told the plaintiff, ``Well, we were so sick and tired of killing black girls. We just had to put some variety back into our death-hunting industry. And they [Persians] are incredibly beautiful. The beauty of the face heightens the pleasure of the kill. I know of no higher pleasure than the gang-rape of exceedingly beautiful people.''
Additionally, the plaintiff alleges that the Serbian government, the ``Nazi Bund,'' the Bank of Commerce and Credit International (``BCCI'') are also involved in the conspiracy.
Attached to plaintiff's papers, and apparently offered to support her claim, are a number of exhibits. Most prominent among the exhibits is a book by Robert Ellis Smith entitled ``Privacy: How To Protect What's Left Of It'' (1979), and a four page illustrated pamphlet advertising pornographic movies starring young men. Plaintiff has circled a number of photos of naked men who appear to be of Mediterranean or Latin American descent, which I interpret as her evidence that Iraqi and Central American men are enslaved in pornographic ``rackets'' ...
There's more, but you get the idea ;)
here's the kicker...
they had to "issue" a new check; the "ILLEGAL MEXICANS"...gave "bogus names" when arrested.
Not bogus...Stella's actually exist!
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