MAUREEN DOWD NEEDS A MAN! (Humour Alert)

The American Spectator Magazine ^ | April 12, 2002 | Dave Shiflett

[codebreaker]

One's heart goes out to Maureen, who clearly fears that her life's journey in the end, will have been a solo flight. There will be brief layovers here and there -she and Howell Raines (& Michael Douglas) were apparently an item at one time-but nothing lasting. And so the deathbed will be lighly attended, there will be no spouse or children to shout the Beautitudes as the Angel of Mercy's wings are heard fluttering in the parlor. The only people who visit her grave will be the groundskeepers, who might occasionally bounce dice off her tombstone. (ouch!)

Yet the fact is, if the men around her are actually imtimidated by a creature so low as a newspaper columnist, she's probably better off alone. What sad saps these men must be. What sets them to quaking? Maureen would no doubt agree that her work is almost totally attitudinal, as opposed to critical (in the significat sense). There is no sign of high analytical powers.Instead, she starts with high school chatter about dating and quickly devolves to a frightful conclusion:

'Bonobos, or pygmy chimpanzees, live in an equatorial rain forest of Congo and have an extraorinarily happy existance. And why? Because in bonobo society the females are dominant. Just light dominance, so that it is like co-dominance, or equality between the sexes..The males were happy to give up a little dominance once they realized the deal they were being offered: all of those aggressive female primates, after a busy day of dominating their jungle, were primed for sex, not for the withholding of it. There's no battle of the sexes in bonoboland. And there's no baby bust.'

These are the musings not of a literary genius, but of a woman desperate for companionship.

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Poor Maureen, 2nd place to Catherine Zeta Jones for life..

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[Cicero]

Very funny. Freepers should click on the source and read the whole thing.

In passing, Shiflet remarks that "she and Howell were apparently an item at one time -- but nothing lasting." If she had an affair with the big boss, that might explain why she keeps her job after churning out several years worth of pathetic junk--and why they fired A.M. Rosenthal after he complained about her poor excuse for a column.

[TomB]

Best passage of the article:

We also understand, however, that this idea became especially popular when Hillary came along. One quickly lost count of all the columns insisting that people didn't cotton to Hil because she was a successful, career-oriented female without baking skills. That was far from the truth, of course. The reason a lot of people didn't like her was that she appeared to be a scheming, grasping, arrogant, spoon-stealing liar. She also had a whiff of the middle linebacker about her.

[Carry_Okie]

That dress probably comes with a roll of double-stick tape.

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[colorado tanker]

Wow, that pik sure takes your mind off . . . whatshername.

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[SoDak]

hehehe...funny post.

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LOL! 'A whiff of a middle linebacker..'

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Mo has to stay at the Times, who else would publish it?

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Not much of a choice is it?

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[colorado tanker]

Hubba, hubba. She make Maureen look, well, dowdy.

[TomB]

Yep, old CZ couldn't think her way out of a wet paper bag, but I could find it within me to look past her failings.

[wimpycat]

As a woman who's come of age in the midst of the feminist movement in full swing, I was surprised to "discover" for the first time what women have known through the centuries: men like you better, and you get more of whatever it is you're out to get, if you act like you depend upon men for certain "manly" knowledge. Even in the workplace, being a little needy and helpless in certain areas goes a long way. For instance, I helped smooth over a rocky rapport with one of our company executives by merely asking him for advice about a problem I was having with my car. His advice turned out to be correct, and I made sure I thanked him for being "so smart", and from then on I made sure he knew I depended on him (and him alone!) for advice about my car and anything else "mechanical". Ever since then, we've gotten along great.

I don't know how often I've done this unconsciously and sincerely in my life, but this was the first time I've ever deliberately done it to win a man's good nature in a non-romantic, professional setting. I'll leave it to the reader to decide whether this success came about because I was sooooo subtle and smooth about the whole thing, whether the executive in question is a dupe, or whether he knew exactly what I was up to and just plain old didn't care; all I know is that, in my case, I got the results I wanted.

Maureen, honey, a little less "strong" woman (in the sense she uses the term) and a little more "helplessness" goes a long way. Men don't like women who don't need men. Maybe you'd get laid more often if you didn't act like you can do everything all by yourself.

[Shooter 2.5]

I was very impressed with Z-J when she was in Zorro but anyone stupid enough to marry Douglas needs her head examined. I also saw a picture of her on a sailboat wearing not a whole lot and all I can say is, "yuck". Douglas can keep her. I hope they don't have any kids to mess up the gene pool.

[tet68]

Still, it would be good to remind her of them , just once in a while.

Maureen said she thought your nose was too big, I told her it was just right.

Maureen was telling your mother that she thought you had gained some weight,
I told her it just made for a softer ride.

Honey, I love you just the way you are.

[rdb3]

Gorgeous. But I can't get over her middle name. That's a Greek letter, for cryin' out loud!