Yes, I believe that is how it is supposed to be. At first I had a tolerance level for scandals and miscreants but it has gotten too bad and I've had to rethink everything.
Within the last two months we had a priest here locally who got busted for manufacturing the drug Ecstasy (sp?). I didn't post the particulars here because if I have something bad to say I usually like to counterbalance it with something positive.
But here I was exhausting myself trying to fight temptations and praying too much for a layperson (and newbie) and went into a deep depression from which I have never fully recovered.
In short, the church sets up impossible rules and when sensitive, sincere people try to follow them they get into serious trouble. There are too many rules and it gets too complicated for a weak person such as myself.
Why should lay people be expected to follow rules that priests themselves aren't following?
Now I don't know which ones they are, but I am sure that there must be some nice, sincere priests who may be truly called by God and they may silently agonize like I have done.
I didn't lose my basic faith. I lost my faith in the church, administratively and as moral exemplars.
I was trying with all my being to be the most faithful catholic on the planet and I failed because I simply lost my way and went through some hellish experiences with no trustworthy spiritual direction. So your charges of my being a "cafeteria catholic" after all I went through really made me angry. That's why I must, for now, stay away from the church for the sake of my mental health.
If I ever return, I may become a cafeteria catholic. For example, I won't go to any more charismatic healing masses. I won't say any rosaries inspired by Medjugorje. I won't go to any schismatic masses (never did). I won't attend mass where they do things right like having it in the back of the church for no good reason. I won't say any prayers that are not approved for "public worship" in any service, such as litanies, etc. Having difficulty with those things made it impossible to go on and it wasn't bothering those, some of whom are still my friends. They just went along with whatever it was because they are used to following. Basically they are very nice, prayerful people.
My deacon told me I was too rigid. He was right.
Just the thought of trying to go back to all that makes me almost ill.
You're being too hard on yourself. I suspect you're also a bit scrupulous, meaning you see sin where there is none.
I also suspect it's not just in your spiritual life that you're excessively rigid.
Some counseling might be in order.