This statue (generally called "Mannekin Pee") is all the reason anyone would need to nuke Belgium.
Posted on 03/13/2002 8:19:40 AM PST by Greeblie
The startling omission of Belgium from the list of countries against which the United States would be prepared to use nuclear weapons has worried and depressed many of the world's foremost military analysts, such as myself.
It is almost unbelievable that the Belgians, with their sickly, mayonnaise-drenched cuisine and disturbing interest in paedophilia, are not considered an axis of evil all by themselves.
Plus, all Belgians slouch, especially the Walloons. Believe me, I was there recently and I know what I'm talking about. The notion that they should be spared even the most minuscule of thermonuclear holocausts while the industrious and robust Chinese sit unhappily at the top of the hit list is, frankly, unsupportable and does not make me feel very safe in my bed at night.
I'm also worried about this rather effete notion of "provocation"; that is, the concept that Iraq, say, would need to actually do something wicked before being righteously reduced to an extremely large sheet of glass. Surely the point of having many more nuclear weapons than anyone else - and bigger, more expensive ones, too - is that you don't need to wait for something as tiresome as an excuse? We might have to wait for ever, drumming our fingers on the tabletop, the little red button just out of reach.
So, disconcerted, I rang the Pentagon and asked to be put through to someone in charge.
"Yes, sir, how may I help you?" said an abrupt young woman at the end of the line.
"I was wondering about this list of seven countries against which you folks would use nuclear weapons. There's Iraq, Russia..."
"Yes, I know the list you mean," she interrupted. "What about it?"
"Well," I said, "I was wondering if you'd mind awfully appending the name of Belgium to the list."
There was a pause, but only for a couple of seconds. Then she said: "OK, sir. You need to talk to Colonel Humm. I can put you right through."
"Colonel Humm? You made that up! That's not a person's name!"
"Yes, it is, sir. Lieutenant-Colonel Michael Humm, as in hum, except with two 'm's," she added, helpfully.
Now, this Col Humm, I wondered. Is he responsible for the bit of the Pentagon that deals with nuclear weapons or the bit of the Pentagon that deals with attacking Belgians? It wasn't clear, and became no clearer when I was put through, because he wasn't there.
But next day, I did get through to Lieutenant-Colonel Catherine Abbott. She was very helpful.
"Colonel Humm's not a real person, is he?" I began.
"Yes, he is. But he's off work ill."
So I explained. These countries on the list, they can change, can't they? You couldn't rule out the possibility of an addition to the list, such as Belgium, could you?
"I can't talk about the official document, because it's classified," she said. "But if we received new information and as circumstances changed, we would have to prepare for different eventualities."
Terrific. They can't rule out nuking Belgium. I was greatly encouraged. I wanted to ask her about the possibility of adding South Norwood to the list, too - when Crystal Palace are playing at home. You wouldn't even need a nuke - just a few tubs of Sarin would do it. But Catherine was gone.
Anyway, clearly these friendly and helpful Americans, with their historic commitment to democracy, are prepared to listen to those with whom they enjoy a special relationship. And then, perhaps, to act.
So, I am compiling a dossier of fabricated evidence, supposition and pure guesswork - which will show that Belgium is presently developing weapons of mass destruction, sponsoring terrorism abroad and producing cheap, subsidised steel for export.
I'll be sending this to Col Humm in the happy expectation that his frugal and rather boring list will be amended. And, as a special, one-off service to Guardian readers, I am prepared, for a small fee, also to add the name of any country YOU would like to see reduced to an irradiated wasteland.
Perhaps you've just come back from a lousy holiday in Portugal, or maybe developed a quite irrational loathing of Moldovians - whatever the country, I'll pass it on, with more cheaply concocted evidence, to the Pentagon for a fee of, say, £250. Or a straight fiver if it's France
Clearly such a lawless society is an "axis of evil" candidate!
Since we are occupied elsewhere at the moment, perhaps we could contract out the hit. What is the Luxembourg army doing these days?
Iknow, I know, right next to the french fry stand and the pizzaria...
Yeah, but here's the rest of the story... they were both on (public) BICYCLES!
prisoner6
But still pretty funny.
ROFL!
Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi has entered the debate on terrorism - telling a TV interviewer that the US might just as well bomb London if it is serious about fighting terrorism.
"If the United States wants seriously to eradicate terrorism, the first capital that should be pounded with cruise missiles is London," Colonel Gaddafi said on the Arabic satellite news channel al-Jazeera.
"It is the shelter of terrorism," he added, referring to charges that Islamic militants suspected of violence are protected by Britain's policies on political asylum.
Maybe we should just make a BIG LIST of ALL PLACES WE WOULD LIKE NUKED !! ! ! ! !
Good points.
And put Americas first black President and his pigwife Hillary in Kinshasa,Democratic Peoples Republic of Congo.For the children.
Yes, England has become the home of many a disgruntled womanless paramullah preaching hate of the Western World from many a sorry Muslim church, in front of many a congregation.
England, Bill Clinton, and, oh yes, Tony Blair have culpability for 9/11 and the explosion of Islamic terrorism.
This statue (generally called "Mannekin Pee") is all the reason anyone would need to nuke Belgium.
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