THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

An' up north, they ain't go no hush puppies, 'cept on day feet...them yankess is weird!

Lord in Heaven! Here we go again. Can't you southern folk have a nice time with each other without grumbling about yankees? Like as not, you don't even know any yankees, as the real ones are all up here.

Right now, we're busy pulling most of the lobster pots out of the water and moving the rest inshore 'cause its getting too cold to fish. We're finishing up splittin' wood and raking leaves - it was 22 degrees this morning. Its time for mending nets, reproofing jackets and pulling the Irish wool sweaters out of the winter clothes boxes. Community turkey shoots are in full swing. Deer season (archery) is almost over here in Connecticut, but shotgun season starts up in four days, so many of us spent some time at the range shooting slugs this past weekend. My good wife made a wicked good chowder on Saturday night from quahogs that the boys raked out of the flats on Saturday morning. Bone warmin' good.

We real Yankees have no reason to envy you southern folk for your weather, your food, your women or your fried cornmeal balls (what the hell are you thinking? you actually brag about cornmeal balls?). Don't confuse real Yankees with the transplanted metrosexual opportunists that have infested your lands. You should have done something about the zoning laws and voter eligibility requirements when they first started showing up - 138 years ago, when they were known as carpetbaggers.

Got this in my email from my friend in "Jawjah".

SOUTHERN BELLES

This is for Southern Belles, Ladies who should have been Southern Belles,and those who would be Southern Belles IF they knew the rules.

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway." Or, "Bless her heart, she's so bucktoothed, she could eat an apple through a picket fence." There are also the sneakier ones: "You know, it's amazing that even though she had that baby 7 months after they were married, bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds." As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that bad.

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted Northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you believe it?" said her friend. "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss.."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

The ones that really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun to act almost embarrassed about their speech. We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed. I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the > > light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is or what "I reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by our Southernness: take a dose of sausage gravy 'n' grits and call me in the morning, bless your heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on southernese as a second language!

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:

1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.

Southern girls appreciate their natural assets:

1. Dewy skin.
2. A winning smile.
3. That unforgettable, Southern drawl.

Southern girls know their manners:

1. "Yes, ma'am."
2. "Yes, sir."

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:

1. "Y'all come back! now ya heaah,"
2. "Well, bless your heart."
3. "Drop by when you can."
4. "How's your mama?"
5. "Love your hair."
6. "Well, shut my mouth."

Southern girls don't sweat.... they glisten!

Southern girls know their summer weather report:

1. Humidity
2. Humidity
3. Humidity

Southern girls know their vacation spots:

1. The Beach
2. The Beach
3. The Beach

Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August:

1. Swimmin
2. Summer tans
3. Wide brimmed hats
4. Mint juleps
5. Just Lollygaggin Around

Southern girls know everybody's first name:

1. Honey
2. Darlin'
3. Sugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:

1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"

Southern girls know their country breakfasts:

1. Redeye gravy, thicknin white gravy, or (wiennie gravy for the diehards.)

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

1. Hotlanta or Adlanna =(Atlanta as outsiders say)
2. Richmon
3. Challston
4. S'vannah
5. Birminham
6. Nawlins'
7. OH! And that city in Alabama? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen:

1. Men in uniform.
2. Men in tuxedos.
3. Rhett Butler, of course.

Y'all know Southern girls are quick on the drawl.

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:

1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates

Southern girls know men may come and go, .......... but friends are fo'evah!

Now you run along, Sugah, and send this to someone else Raised In The South, i.e., Southern Belles, or ANY females aspiring to be GRITS. Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts".

P.S. I personally know some Northern Wimmin who'd make "MIGHTY FINE" Southern Belles if they weren't so deeply rooted by their northern circumstances, " BLESS THEIR HEARTS "

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.