THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!

via email | Jan. 12, 2002 | Unknown

[jslade]

The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

Y'all have a nice day!

[Romestamo]

If you have an ICBM in your back yard . . .

...You're just as likely from Tucson, Arizona. If we ever had "Nucl'r Combat toe t' toe with the Russkies," it would have been one of the first five cities turned to glass, seeing as it had the ICBMs, Hughes (now Raytheon) Missiles, Davis-Monthan Air Force Base, the Air Force's Airplane Graveyard, and it has a sizeable population.

I miss Tucson. It has the best weather in the country and the best Mexican food. More importantly, we had absolutely nothing to do with the conflict between Northerners and Southerners. Did you know there was one Civil War battle in Arizona? It was fought at Picacho Peak, and three soldiers died. That's about as much Civil War as I can take.

[ROCKLOBSTER]

I said Bob Kerrey.

No, no, no....You can have the RINO dud but he was born in Omaha in 1913.

I just like things in proper order. (Like AZ and NE)

[rdb3]

You're correct.

I was just being "on'ry.

[4TheFlag]

but it was near Mt. Rushmore

You either stayed in Rapid City, Keystone, Hill City, Custer or Hot Springs, whatever, hope you enjoyed your stay in our beautiful state.....

[Ol' Sox]

The south is in fact much more american than either new england or new york. Perhaps that's why so many people like the south and are moving to it in recent times. The big waves of immigration from Europe between 1870 and 1925 did not settle in the south. The south is populated by people who are ethnic american, descendant from those who came before the civil war more so than any other region of the country. But bigots don't know that.

Mr. Jones,

Perhaps you'd share with us your opinion of what makes an American? Evidently, families who have been here for 75 - 120 years don't qualify according to your estimation. Pre-Civil War? Pre-Revolution? Membership in SAR or DAR? What you wrote sounds like you've set up some sort of "American" club in your own mind and established yourself as the membership committee. Maybe its just me, but that just sounds...um...bigotted.

The "Yankees" that you and other southron folk take such glee in dismissing, neither hold the south in contempt nor consider that it not be part of America. Too hot to live in, perhaps, but worth hanging onto just for the barbecue.

Oh, and don't put Walter Cronkite's words in our mouths...and we won't put Ted Turner's in yours.

[jslade]

"Miz Julie was allright ozifer,until Junior here turned her head around."

I've got this album.

[ROCKLOBSTER]

Hey Mister,

hope you enjoyed your stay in our beautiful state.....

I know I always do (except for that D'Ashole thing).

I've been in everyone of those towns. I like the free campground in Hot Springs and the buffet in Custer.

The Needles, Sullivan Lake, the Buffali and Wind Cave...all spectacular. Crazy Horse monument is no slouch either.

You may not have thought of this, but you could be considered from "the South".....SOUTH Dakota.

Now everyone's going to kick my a$$.

[GussiedUp]

Some sour people in the northeast wish the south weren't even in the US

LOL we wish we weren't in the union either - we'd do better OUT of the union!

P.S. Come on home, we'll keep the light on for ya!

[jslade]

I have lived in Hunington, West Virginia, South Bend, Indiana, and Newton, Mass.(A Boston suburb). And I can honestly say that Bostonians are BORN with the need to have their asses kicked! It isn't easy though, as you must remove their heads first.

Now THAT'S funny!

[4TheFlag]

I know I always do

Thank you for your kind words FRiend, nah you won't get your ass kicked here, I've admitted some things here and nobody has kicked mine yet, lol.

So glad you enjoyed South Dakota, this is the time of year I like to go up to Mt. Rushmore, no crowds, usually by yourself there, and can just sit, stare, and reflect.....

ROTFLMAO, I could be considered from the south, SOUTH dakota!!!!!!!:)

[razorback-bert]

One of the best unknown southern humorist is the The Chaplain of Bourbon Street, only thing is he only preforms in churchs and meetings.

I just found Bro. BoB's web site it is

www.thechaplain.com

And be sure to see http://www.thechaplain.com/tenmostwanted.htm

[razorback-bert]

See my post # 251 for something good.

I wish we count carbon copy FRmail.

[jslade]

bttt

[Dan from Michigan]

I knew he was born in Nebraska, but he grew up in Grand Rapids.

I was born in Southfield, but I am definatly not from there.

[COB1]

One of my all time favorites from Lewis Grizzard when inquiring about meal time:

"Ja'eatchet?"

"Y'onto?"

[jslade]

bttt

[MissAmericanPie]

Pull up a cheer and sit a spell.

[MissAmericanPie]

Thank you, Texas ladies love compliments.

[In Chiefs Honor]

Cream gravy ain't white sauce. You gotta' use the drippins. Cobi, You have totally pegged it. I salute you! You truly made me crack up for the first time in months. And another thing shut up about the damn bugs. Buy some bug killer, or just swat the hell out of them.

[MissAmericanPie]

Listen to the lady COB1, there is no extra charge for the bugs in your meal. Eat your protine and shush.