Posted on 01/12/2002 3:55:44 PM PST by jslade
The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.
Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.
Y'all have a nice day!
Best Ribeye I ever had in my life......Bonnie's, Houston.
You're clearly in the urban South. Get far enough out in the rural South, and if you ask for unsweetened tea, they'll look at you funny.
You missed it. Get a rope as in "hanged". LOL
Of course she was. You ain't family.
Of course.
Funniest Southern humorist I have ever heard.
That's because you have obviously never heard of the "Reverend Billy C. Wirtz. He has a couple of CD's out that are hilarious. Here are a few of the songs from his self-titled debut album you should give a listen to:
1: Sleeper Hold on Satan (he also has another wrasslin' song on his other album,titled "teenie weenie meanie",about his love affair with a woman midget wrassler.)
2: Junior's Discount Frozen Embryo World
3: A Pinhead Will Survive
4: Honky Tonk Hermaphrodite
5:Mennonite Surf Party
6: Farewell From Chromosome,NC (which starts out with "when I was a little girl growing up in Chromosome,NC,and then goes to coming home from work to his trailer and spotting his sweetie (Roberta) laying back on her naughayde couch,all 300 lbs of her,with her purple nightie on,posing under the picture of John Wayne and Elvis as they walk hand in hand in the Holy Land. Roberta looks up,spots him,takes her teeth out of the ashtray to put them in,and then smiles and says "Hey!" The continueing refrain is "Roberta,Roberta,mama get yore big legs offa me!.
The Rev Billy is fair to middlin' twisted. BTW,he is from Chapel Hill,and dedicated his first album to the memory of Brother Dave. I'd be really surprised if you couldn't find his albums on E-Bay and at Amazon.com.
Boy, did I just date myself.
"Miz Julie was allright ozifer,until Junior here turned her head around."
Check out my other post on this thread about the Rev Billy C. Wirtz.
Lots of families have shameful things in their past. He's young,and will get over it.
And what about "Honky Tonk Hermaphrodite," which opens with "I was born in Dixie, where the pine trees grow so green, where men are men, women are women, and some of us are in between."
Albums are one thing (and yes, they're all on amazon), but you've got to see Rev. Billy live. Last time I saw him was an outdoor concert during the day, and there were kids around, so he was kind of, uhm, restrained. Still a great show, though.
He's got a website, by the way. Lists all his tour dates.
He lives in St. Augustine, Florida now, so I'm glad to call him a fellow "First Coaster." He's the kind of transplant we need there. One of him is better than 10 homestead exemption-seeking failed New York stockbrokers in Ponte Vedra Beach.
That's a pretty big chip you have on your shoulder,especially when you consider Kansas ain't even a yankee state,and is barely a state at all. Just one big farm with no character or personality at all. I guess that's why you try to claim solidarity with places like Toledo,Detroit,NYC,Chicago,Baltimore,and other more cultured places.
Nope,not gonna say it. Some things are just TOO easy.
If you go the speed limit in Michigan, you get tailgated. 70 means 79.
I believe Ford to be from NE.
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