1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." [Evidently, the shoplifter special]
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how...?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". [As sure as night follows the day...]
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness" [One would hope]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". [As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious].
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [NEWS FLASH]
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta]
14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
Quick Thinking
One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Kentucky,, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Kentucky," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and basketball players down there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Kentucky!"
The boy replied, "No kidding? What team did she play for?