Posted on 12/29/2001 7:13:02 PM PST by jmp702
The Year's Best Late-Night Jokes
"The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood." —Jay Leno
"Here's some news from Afghanistan. We're sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we've captured so far is an American." —David Letterman
"Even though bin Laden is said to have fled to Pakistan more than a week ago, U.S. officials said they will continue to bomb Afghanistan as long as Geraldo is there." —Jay Leno
"According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay." —Jay Leno
"More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." —Jay Leno
"President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax. Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes." —Jay Leno
"Don't kid yourself, that email isn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome, you've got anthrax.'" —David Letterman
"Bin Laden was once targeted by President Clinton. President Clinton wanted to kill him but couldn't get him. Of course not, we all know what kind of aim Clinton has." —Jay Leno
"It's a tough time to do humor, but it's not the only tough time. There have been other tough stretches in comedy. Remember a couple of years ago when President Clinton stopped dating for a couple of weeks?" —Jay Leno
"You know how, whenever there is trouble in New York and you can always count on people getting together and helping in the spirit of cooperation? I'll give you an example of what I am talking about. When I come to work every day, right out in front of the Ed Sullivan theater, there's a guy who sits outside who gives me the finger. Today, he gave me the finger and a hug." —David Letterman
"The $10 million Clinton is getting for his book beats the old record of $8.5 million paid to the Pope. How do you think this makes the Pope feel? The man dedicates his life to the 10 Commandments, he gets 8.5. Clinton breaks every one of them, he gets 10." —Jay Leno
"Washington D.C. police have said Gary Condit is no longer the focus of the investigation. When Condit heard that he said to himself, 'Well hey, maybe I didn't do it.'" —David Letterman
"Experts say Condit's political base is disappearing. He must be dating them." —David Letterman
"As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair." —David Letterman
"President Clinton once told me I'm the luckiest politician in the world because I can say anything and get away with it." —Gov. Jesse Ventura, on the "Tonight Show"
"Yeah, but he can do anything and get away with it." —Jay Leno
"Here's your tax dollars at work. We are supposed to be conserving energy. The navy is now being asked to pay the electric bill for Vice President Dick Cheney's house in Washington. They are asking us, the taxpayers, to pay the bill. You now how much it is? It is $186,000 a year! How many times are they shocking him back to life? There are two people that live in the house! What, are he and Bush electrocuting guys in the basement now?" —Jay Leno
"President Bush admitted today that he is a friend of the electrical industry. He said, 'I owe them a lot and if it wasn't for the electrical college, I wouldn't be president.'" —Jay Leno
"The Bush girls have been in so much trouble that today they announced that they were switching their party affiliation to the Kennedy family." —David Letterman
"Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration." —Conan O'Brien
"Here in California, the utility companies have promised to give us two hours notice before we are left completely without power. It's the same deal Senator Jeffords gave the Republicans." —Jay Leno
"Senator Jeffords says the reason he's leaving the Republican party, he's just fed up with George Bush and the tax cut and he's also fed up with his environmental policy. But the big reason, he says the Democrats offered to let him get in on some of that hot intern action." —David Letterman
"Coming up Monday is the 100th day of the George Bush administration. I want to tell you now, things are starting to look very, very dark for the Al Gore campaign. Very, very bleak." —David Letterman
"It's kind of ironic. He always wanted to distance himself from Bill Clinton. Now that he's out of politics and overweight, he is Bill Clinton." —Jay Leno, on Al Gore
"Hillary Clinton announced she has no intentions of ever, ever running for president of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." —David Letterman
"Sources say President Bush has sought counsel from his father during the ongoing spy plane standoff with China. George Senior told his son that when it comes to dealing with Asian nations, you have to meet personally with the country's leaders and vomit on them." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Bill Clinton is back flying commercial. And this trip to Europe did not go well. Here is what happened: About 3 hours into the flight during the meal service, his intern kept hitting her head on the tray table." —David Letterman
"Clinton is crazy. When he moved out, you know, I mean, he — honest to God — they just, he took everything he hadn't nailed." —David Letterman
"Wednesday Bill and Hillary Clinton returned some $28,000 worth of furniture that they took with them when they left the White House. The ex-president stressed that the dollar amount was actually much lower as many of the items were 'stained.'" —Jimmy Fallon, on SNL's "Weekend Update"
"They say now that Clinton is stealing the spotlight from George Bush. I'm thinking 'Well, sure. He also stole the coffee maker, the fax machine, the computer..." —David Letterman
"President Clinton was featured in a foreign documentary. He was nominated for an Academy Award. Did you hear this? I believe it is called 'Crouching Intern, Stolen Sofa.'" —David Letterman
"Roger Clinton was arrested for driving under the influence. Apparently, he was weaving and went off the road up onto somebody's lawn. Police wouldn't say what his blood alcohol level was but they did say it was somewhere between a Kennedy and a Yeltsin. Of course, being a typical Clinton, today he blamed the whole thing on a vast right-curb conspiracy." —Jay Leno
"George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well — the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system." —David Letterman
"Today, (Ariel) Sharon got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush, and Ehud Barak got a phone call from former President Bill Clinton who said, 'Take the furniture.'" —David Letterman, on Israel's election
"George W. Bush celebrated one month as president of the United States. Let me tell you something, things are starting to look pretty bleak for Al Gore." —David Letterman
"Today George W. Bush went to Florida. It is the first time that he has been there since the election, and he thanked all of the Florida voters for being so stupid." —David Letterman
"Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York!" —Jay Leno
"Yesterday the Secret Service caught a former IRS employee outside the White House after he fired three shots from a gun. That is right, the man was immediately arrested and given a job at the post office. ... The Secret Service said that the last weirdo who came that close to the White House before being stopped was Al Gore." —Conan O'Brien
"When that crazy gunman started firing shots at the White House, the press spokesman said that Bush was working out in the gym while Vice President Dick Cheney was hard at work at his desk. See, now that the election's over, they're not even trying to hide who's really running the country anymore." —Jay Leno
"It gives new meaning to affirmative action. She said, 'Do you want some action?' He said, 'Affirmative.'" —Jay Leno, on Jesse Jackson's extramarital affair
"Here's the worst part about this whole thing. During the impeachment trial, Jesse Jackson was Bill Clinton's spiritual adviser. In fact, that's where Bill and Monica got that cigar. Jesse was passing them out: 'Here you go! It's a girl! It's a girl!" —Jay Leno
"Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?" —Jay Leno
"Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia." —Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." —David Letterman
"The Secret Service has announced that George W. Bush's code name is 'Tumbler.' Do you know what Dick Cheney's code name is? His is 'CLEAR!'" —Jay Leno
"George W. Bush is scheduled to be sworn in on Saturday so — [some boos, then cheers] no, wait a minute, wait a minute — so time is really running out for Al Gore." —David Letterman
Hey! Who's ripping off some of FR's best screen names?
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