The world's funniest joke? Scientists investigating laughter pick the world's funniest joke.

Sydney Morning Herald ^ | Thursday, December 20, 2001 | Various

[aculeus]

"The response has been enormous with over 10,000 jokes submitted and over 100,000 people from over 70 countries rating them," commented Dr Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire in England, who devised "Laughlab".

A joke about Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool emerged the overall winner, with a top rating from 47% of those taking part.

Dr Wiseman stressed that the results were preliminary: "The data collection period will continue till March 2002 when we move to the second phase of the experiment. In the meantime we challenge people to submit a funnier joke."

The experiment also identified the worst jokes, and discovered what men, women, and people of different nationalities find funny. "This is an intriguing finding, and we will be carrying out more research to discover exactly what is going on here," said Dr Wiseman.

One surprising result was that out of 11 nationalities, Germans rated more jokes "very funny" than anyone else. Being easily amused is not the same as having a good sense of humour, however.

One joke which had the Germans in stitches involved a long-winded description of how to tell the weather by placing your dog outside the back door and examining its fur. It ends: "Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, the CAT."

Canada was at the bottom of the list, and Britain in seventh place. Norway's least favourite joke was submitted by UK scientist and presenter, Adam Hart-Davis.

Men and women favour different types of jokes. Top jokes for males involve aggression, putting women down and sexual innuendo. In contrast, females prefer jokes involving word play. "These findings reflect fundamental differences in the ways in which males and females use humour" said Dr Wiseman. "Males use humour to appear superior to others, whilst women are more linguistically skilled and prefer word-puns."

The experiment was devised in collaboration with the British Association for the Advancement of Science as part of Science Year, a British Government initiative which aims to raise awareness of science among young people.

The website (www.laughlab.co.uk) gives people the opportunity to submit jokes and also rate jokes submitted by others on a five-point 'smileometer' scale. Sue Hordijenko of the British Association said: "Laugh Lab looks set to be the most far-reaching psychology experiment ever."

The best joke:

The best joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool, goes like this: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."

The runner-up

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

The worst

The worst jokes, with 74% of people awarding them the lowest rating, are:

- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

- Why are chickens considered good employees? Because they work around the cluck

The leading jokes around the world were:

Australia:

A man left for a holiday to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send her an e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her web address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note went to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. PS. Sure is hot down here.

Britain:

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's the tip of the iceberg."

France:

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

Finland:

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying: "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny replied: "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

Belgium:

"Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't."

Norway:

As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands to attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he'd ever seen, to show such respect for the dead. The first golfer sinks his putt and says: "Well, she was a good wife for 16 years."

Germany:

Why is television called a medium? It is neither rare nor well done.

Sweden:

A guy phones the local hospital and yells: "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says: "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He replies: "No! This is her husband!"

Canada:

What do you call a woman who can balance four pints of beer on her head? - Beatrix.

New Zealand:

A priest conducts a service in church "The person who puts the most in the church collection box can choose three hymns," he says. The collection box comes back after being filled up and he finds that someone has donated $1,000.

"Who has donated a thousand dollars?" he asks. A women raises her hand. The priest invites her to the front and tells her to choose three hymns. Pointing at the three most handsome men in the church she says: "I'll have him, him and him."

Sexes divided by humour

THE following jokes were all loved by men and disliked by women:

While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, "Jesus is watching you."

To his relief, he realises that it is only a parrot mimicking something it had heard. The burglar asks the parrot, "What's your name?" The parrot says, "Moses." The burglar goes on to ask: "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?" The parrot replies: "The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus."

A man runs home and bursts in yelling: "Pack your bags sweetheart, I've just won the lottery, all six numbers!" She says: "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" He replies: "I don't care ... just pack and shove off!"

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

In contrast, women preferred jokes involving word plays. The following jokes came top of the ratings for females but were disliked by men:

A man said: "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought: "That's a turn-up for the books."

A man had a dog called Minton. One day it ate two shuttlecocks. When the owner found out he said bad Minton!

A man walks into a bar with a piece of Tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman: "A pint for me and one for the road."

[Ronin]

I don't remember the context, but I remember falling off my chair when Rush talked about a woman's "cunning stunt" twice during a show before the election.

[nomad]

An old spinster goes to a doctor and says:

I`m 90 years, I`m still a virgin and I have crabs!

So after an examination, he says:

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is my examination has determined that you are 90 years old, still a virgin, and you don`t have crabs.

Bad news is you have fruit flies, your ch*rry is rotten.

[knuthom]

I am female, but I thought the jokes supposedly preferred by women were stupid. The other ones were much funnier.

[Old Professer]

When my daughter was about 8 years old, we used to drive to Nevada to see my aunt (her adopted "grandma"); as we would pass the fields where cows were grazing I would ask her how many cows were in the field; she would say she didn't know and I would say something like 45 or 36 or 52 and she would ask how I knew, "It's easy, I would say, just count their legs and divide by four."

It wasn't until three years ago (she is 18 now) that I asked her if she remembered those times and she said she did, so I asked her if she thought she could count the legs and divide by four. She got a funny look on her face and she said, "You lied, didn't you?"

I confessed and told her it came from a old joke about the guy who was caught in front of a stampede and when he was found alive, reported on the size of the herd.

I'm not sure she has believed a thing I have told her since.

[Texas Gal]

Here's a joke (I hope this is not a repeat):

A man walked into a bar one hot summer day and immediately locked eyes with a beautiful woman across the room.  To his surprise, she immediately stood up and came walking toward him.
"Well, hello," she said, "I'll do anything you want for $50 if you can say it in just three words."
The man's mouth dropped open as he looked at her gorgeous figure, her silky blonde hair, her big green eyes, and her full, luscious lips as he thought the offer over. 
"Anything?" he asked, astonished.
"Anything," she said.

"Just $50?" he asked.

"Absolutely," she said
His face reddened a little and his breathing quickened as he leaned toward her, so close their lips almost touched, and softly said, "Well OK, then, here are my three words...paint my house."

  

[Loyalist]

The planet Zyglar sent out a spaceship to Earth after picking up radio signals in order to contact its intelligent habitants and its supreme leader.

Due to a serious miscalculation, the spaceship landed at 3 a.m. at a deserted gas station in Arizona.

The spaceship commander turned to the gas pump and said, "In the name of the people of the planet Zyglar, greetings, supreme leader of Earth!"

No response from the gas pump. The spaceship commander repeated, "Didn't you hear me? We're from another planet to meet you!"

Still no response. The spaceship commander, severely annoyed now, shouted, "IF YOU DON'T RESPOND IN TEN SECONDS I'LL KILL YOU NOW!"

He fired his ray gun--BOOM! The gas pump went up in flames and the spaceship commander was knocked out cold 200 feet away with severe burns.

Later that day, millions of miles from Earth:

Spaceship commander: "You don't screw with a guy who can wrap his **** three times round his waist and stick it in his ear!"

[Sgt_Schultze]

Rotweiller bump!

[Jhensy]

5-year-old Johnny is taking a shower with his Mom. Curious, he points to her you-know-what.

Johnny: "Mommy, what's that?"

Mom: "Umm, err, that's where the Indian hit me with the tomahawk!"

Johnny: "Wow, right in the @*%#, huh?"

[Old Professer]

I've just met you and already I don't like you, now why aren't you gone yet?

[nomad]

What is the difference between two gays and a refrigerator?

The refrigerator doesn`t fart when you pull the meat out.

[backtobasics]

I don't like jokes, or the people who tell them. I've hardly ever told one, and always seem under-appreciative when hearing what everyone else thinks is a good joke. People who compulsively tell jokes use it as a substitute for a sense of humor, spontaneity, and wit which they lack.

I like jokes. I guess that means Im not full of wit!

[redheadtoo]

I also thought of the Monty Python skit when I saw the title of the thread. Unfortunately none of the jokes lived up to the title. The skit was funnier than any of the jokes.

[SlightOfTongue]

That IS good. LOL!

[Hugin]

I told my kid, just wait, someday you'll know what it's like to have kids of your own.

He said, 'Oh yeah? Someday you will too!'

[sneakypete]

If it doesn't involve bobbing for jewelry,it ain't a joke.

[Feiny]

I always knew I was really a man, baby! I hated all of the female jokes & have actually told all of the male jokes.

Here is my fave:
A polock walks into a bar holding a pile of crap in his hand and He shouts out, "Hey Bartender...look what I almost stepped in!"

[sneakypete]

This guy has this parrot that really talks: it's not just a mindless mimick like the average parrot.

There used to be a parrot in a local snack bar near the beach where I lived then.Lots of commercial fishermen and construction workers ate there,and lots of them would sit around there and drink beer when the weather was too bad to work. Somebody (NOT me!) decided it would be a hoot to teach the parrot obscene phrases to amuse the tourist babes who came in from the beach in their bikinis. I was sitting in there one day when a couple of low-mileage woofies about 18 years old were leaving,and the parrot sings out "Wanna bleep?" It was hysterical.

[Freeper john]

Two men decided to go to Alaska to look for Gold. They stopped at the last supply store and asked the proprietor what all they would need, since they were novices at gold mining. Just before they left, the store owner came out to their pack mules and tied down two boards, both about five feet long with a knothole in each board."What are these for?" they asked. "You are going to be gone a year, you'll figure it out" he replied. About a year later only one man returned to the outfitters place. "What happened to your partner?" "He died." "How" "I shot him." "Why?" "Caught the sob sleeping with my board!"

[Sloth]

Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! . . . Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

I especially like the part about it being "over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke" [shot of Chamberlain making 'peace in our time' speech].