Christmas With Louise

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?”

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.

I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

”Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

Terilyn, this is hilarious !!!Thank you for sharing it on here.You reminded me of something that happened.but your thread email is much funnier!!!!!!!

Mountaineer thank you for pinging me.

I am laughing soooo hard.

Years ago, some of us wives married to stuntmen, decided to throw a surprise birthday party for one of the single stuntmen that was like a brother to all of us. The guys were in charge of getting the drinks, ice, and keeping the party boy busy so he would be completely surprised.

We wives, decided to go to the world of an XXX Rated shop. This happened in L.A. , California, so there were an awful lot to choose from.Since non of us had been in one before we decided to pick one that was on Hollywood Blvd.

We ' did lunch' first to get our strength up...giggle....Then we all got in the car and headed out to get the perfect gift. 7 women determined to get that one gift to knock our friends socks off.

As we walked into said shop, the man at the counter gave us a look and said...." Can I help you ladies, do you need directions?" He thought we were lost.

We had already appointed a spokes person, so she went to the counter and said what our situation was and why we were there.

We started to head down each isle in the shop, you could hear "OH my Gawd look at this","How do they even get in THAT position?"...."Do people really use this ?"....."Look at these neat boots , now I could see wearing those with a black skirt"....etc.being called over the shelves to each other......

Dolls must be popular, and that is what we got,then proceeded to get clothes for it.Down the street a short way from this XXX shop was Fredericks of Hollywood.So instead of getting in the car and driving and having to find a parking spot again , we voted to just walk down the sidewalk DOLL being held by one of us as we walked. Needless to say everyone was watching this parade of women with the doll.....determined looks on our faces and our laughing along the way.

We walked in and proceeded to fit the doll with the most outragous clothes we could fit on her.The sales girls were becomming part of our fun and they asked us if they could take a picture of what we were doing.

Mission accompolished, we went back to the car, with our dressed doll and drove off. All was well till some guy decided to make a left turn right into us.CRASH !

No one was hurt, but when the policeman came there were more questions about the doll then the accident.How did the doll work, what did she feel like, did she have to be blown up often...and all the questions were by the policeman.

He said he had a friend at the station that he wanted to play a trick on and could we follow him there with the DOLL and just let him to his practical joke and we could leave afterward. He wrote up the accident, gave the man that hit us a ticket etc. and off we went with the Doll to the police station.

The practical joke went off well he said as it was done back in one of the rooms we could not go to. Because we had been good girls. tee hee...the nice policeman, our new friend, said he would take a picture of the doll behind bars for us .

Cut to the party......The surprise party went perfectly, and we told the birthday boy he could have her MUG shot along with his new girlfriend,.......the doll.We thought it only right to invite our new friend the policeman to the birthday bash, he arrived and had a wonderful time.

Great story SB! I have one of my own..... (this will really ruin my squeeky clean reputation!)..... Years ago (before I met my husband) I worked for Blue Cross in a sales office. A District Manager from the Panhandle of Texas was a great guy but a major flirt! A big Regional Managers Meeting was going to be held in Corpus Christi so we decided to play a big joke on him.

We went to an XXX dive and bought all kinds of things - (also my first AND ONLY time to ever go to one of those places! lol) - I then mailed the items in sealed envelopes to each of our Regional Offices. I enclosed a letter to each office asking that they NOT open them, but drop them in the mail on a certain date and each was already addressed to him at this meeting!

This poor guy got XXX rated materials from all over the State of Texas over a three day period for this meeting!

No one ratted me out either - it was probably the best practical joke I have ever pulled!.....

(Sure hope he isn't a freeper...... lol.....)

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