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I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat

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To: ChemistCat
A very young couple finds out the wife is pregnant. Nine months later she delivers twin boys. They name them Amal and Juan.

But they are a very poor young couple, and can barely feed themselves, let alone two babies. So they give the boys up for adoption.

Many years later, Juan decides he want to find out who his birth parents were. After much research, he gets the names and address of his real parents. Juan sends them a letter about himself, along with his picture.

One day, Juan's father finds his wife crying, while staring at the picture of Juan.

"Why are you crying?" asks the husband.

"I wish I had a picture of Amal, to put alongside the picture of Juan", replies the wife.

"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

:^)

161 posted on 11/28/2001 1:02:55 PM PST by Will_Kansas
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To: JoeSchem
LOL!Thats a good one.
162 posted on 11/28/2001 1:10:45 PM PST by cardinal4
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To: ChemistCat
The Absolute Worst Things To Say To A Police Officer

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good = job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

163 posted on 11/28/2001 1:29:53 PM PST by Hard Case
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To: ChemistCat
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "You won. You can keep the egg."

164 posted on 11/28/2001 1:33:29 PM PST by Hard Case
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To: ChemistCat
There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman,

* 2 French men and 1 French woman,

* 2 German men and 1 German woman,

* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman,

* 2 English men and 1 English woman,

* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman,

* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman,

and * 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...

The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman....

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"....

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The 2 Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of Coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any....

165 posted on 11/28/2001 1:37:17 PM PST by Hard Case
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To: ChemistCat
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".

"Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

166 posted on 11/28/2001 1:41:12 PM PST by Hard Case
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To: BibChr
Whats the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?There's skid marks in front of the skunk.
167 posted on 11/28/2001 1:43:39 PM PST by cardinal4
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To: ChemistCat
You are sitting at a table with Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden and a lawyer. There is a pistol on the table with two bullets. What do you do? ........
Shoot the lawyer twice!

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? ..........
You can negotiate with the terrorist!

168 posted on 11/28/2001 1:47:34 PM PST by 6ppc
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To: JoeSchem
Well now we know what your literary preferences are...that's from Footfall by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. (not sure who they stole it from)
169 posted on 11/28/2001 1:51:58 PM PST by 6ppc
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To: ChemistCat
This is a funny line and your mom may like this one.... Men are like tile....if you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for the rest of your life:0) Dean Martin/Rat Pack 1961
170 posted on 11/28/2001 1:56:31 PM PST by geege
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To: Mackey
RE#148Im gonna get in trouble for this.....But what do you call a bunch of blondes in a circle?A dope ring!
171 posted on 11/28/2001 1:57:40 PM PST by cardinal4
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To: cardinal4
True! Also:

Have you heard that they're starting to use lawyers instead of lab rats in experimentation? Yep. Here's why:

  1. There are more of them
  2. The researchers are less likely to become personally attached to them; and
  3. There are some things that rats won't do.

Dan

172 posted on 11/28/2001 1:58:33 PM PST by BibChr
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To: ChemistCat
I actually saw a one-liner today that I liked.

"Smoking sections in resturants seems a lot like peeing sections in swimming pools."

And this from a smoker!!!

173 posted on 11/28/2001 2:05:12 PM PST by Dale 1
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To: lowbridge
The photos on that website of yours are absolutely the funniest TOURIST GUY pics I've seen. If you did most of this, you are incredibly skilled at photoshop!!!!! Everybody who hasn't checked his site out, do--it's worth the time! Though I think the Brady Bunch was a bit overdone. :-)

Take a few hours off to nap and watch the kids play in five inches of Oklahoma snow, and the next thing I know there are over a hundred FREEPERS helping my mom get better. I will read the rest of these tonight!!!
174 posted on 11/28/2001 2:11:30 PM PST by ChemistCat
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To: 11B3
No - it's Nuke Gay Baby Whales for Jesus Still incomplete:

Palestinians Nuke Gay Baby Whales for Jesus

175 posted on 11/28/2001 2:14:46 PM PST by TopQuark
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To: ChemistCat
Hope your mother recovers quickly!

Imagine Hillary as the patient in the following...

ED ZACHARY DISEASE

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her general practitioner recommended that she go see Dr.Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So she did. "Ok, now crawl reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates." Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your a$$."

176 posted on 11/28/2001 2:19:29 PM PST by The Tin Man
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To: coloradan
A dog walks into a tavern and says to the bartender "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw."
177 posted on 11/28/2001 2:23:41 PM PST by bribriagain
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To: Cool Guy
Lady Craw and Myself LOL
178 posted on 11/28/2001 2:33:17 PM PST by CRAW
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To: ChemistCat
How do you get Osama out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

179 posted on 11/28/2001 2:40:17 PM PST by GraniteStateConservative
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To: 11B3
That manipulation of her knee is VITAL to the surgery being a success - so is the physical therapy that follows it. IF YOU REALLY LOVE HER, MAKE SURE THAT SHE FOLLOWS UP WITH THE EXERCISES. IF NOT, SHE'LL BE IN A WHEELCHAIR FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. I've got a friend that got lazy after her surgery, and that's where she's spending the rest of hers - at age 42. The therapy hurts like hell - but the alternative is much worse.

Absolutely true. Take it from a "physical terrorist" (aka PT) who works with these people. Bless their hearts, they put up with a lot of pain in the beginning, but the results are worth it. The pain is a neccessary part of the process, or else the complications, or trying to fix them, are 100 times worse.

Okay. What do you get when you goose a ghost?

A whole lot of sheet! ;D

Good luck with your recovery and rehab!

180 posted on 11/28/2001 2:40:26 PM PST by kstewskis
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