Iran: Memo from the President to the Supreme Religious Leader

A Publius Essay | 20 November 2001 | Publius

[Dixie republican]

That is awesome!

[Publius]

First Publius Essay I've written in a year. So many FReepers don't know about the internecine warfare in the Iranian government. I wanted to explain who the players were by using a little humor.

[Publius]

Ping.

[Publius]

Did I get it straight?

[Dog Gone]

Well done. Good job with the difficult translations, too!

[denydenydeny]

A minor quibble: I don't think that a learned Shia would use the term "Mahdi" to describe the prophesied leader--they would call him "the Twelfth Imam." But an excellent analysis otherwise.

[Publius]

Thanks. I'll need to work on my Shia colloquialisms.

[Donna Lee Nardo]

Verrrryyyy interesting indeed.... As I read the piece, I was trying really hard to figure out if it was fact, fiction or a bit of both.

[VRWCmember]

Subject: FW: Intercepted Taliban Intracave Memo

The following intracave memo was intercepted by sophisticated U.S. surveillance equipment:

From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Monday, November 12, 2001 11:14 AM
To: Cavemates
Subject: Cave Memo

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours, but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Achmed, and Mike.

Death to infidels and Happy Ramadan,

Osama

[Publius]

It's a fictional way of explaining some complicated facts. As the vendor says in the baseball park, "You can't tell the players without a program."

[Publius]

Those translations were tough. Mr. Khatami was confused by the American references to animals in our colloquialisms. He especially couldn't understand why American males love cats.

[A.J.Armitage]

President Khatami is quite a stylist. :-)

[Dog Gone]

BWAAAAHAHAHAHA. Cats.

[Publius]

President Khatami received his education as a civil engineer in West Germany back when the late shah was sending his people abroad for college. He still speaks German fluently.

After his appearance at the Newark basilica (after his UN speech), Khatami and Archbishop Myer spoke in German for a while. I'd have loved to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.

[Sabertooth]

Wow, outstanding job of putting the pieces together in once accessible place.

I'd love to see what you've got on the Shia vs. Sunni conflict over the Mahdi.

[Sabertooth]

growl!

[Publius]

"Sabertooth" wants the lowdown on the Mahdi/False Mahdi dichotomy. You've been in Saudi Arabia for a while, so I think your reflections on the mind of the average Muslim needs an airing on this thread.

[Publius]

Ping.

[Sabertooth]

"BWAAAAHAHAHAHA. Cats."

Your point, pup?