"HILL:
Well either you are closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge...
Or you are not aware of the calibre of disaster
Indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community
Weeellll, ya got trouble my friend
Right here, I say, trouble right here in River City
Why sure I'm a billiard player, certainly mighty proud to say
I'm always mighty proud to say it
I consider that the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden
Help you cultivate horse sense, and a cool head and a keen eye
'Jever take and try and give an iron clad leave to yourself from a 3 rail billiard shot?
Well, just as I say it takes judgement, brains and maturity
To score in a balkline game
I say that any boob can take and shove a ball in a pocket
And I call that sloth! The first big step on the road to the depths of degreda[tion].
I say first, medicinal wine from a teaspoon
Then beer from a bottle!
And the next thing you know, your son is playin'
Fer money in a pinchback suit
And list'nin to some big out-a-town Jasper
Hearin' him about horse race gambling
Not a wholesome trottin' race, no, but a race where they se' down right on the horse!
Like to see some stuck up jockey boy sittin' on Dan Patch?
Make your blood boil? Well I should say!
Now friends, let me tell ya what I mean:
Ya got 1 2 3 4 5 6 pockets in a table
Pockets that mark the diff'rence between a gentlemen and a bum
With a capital B and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool!
And all week long, your River City youth'll be fritterin' away!
I say your young men'll be frittern'!
Frittern' away their noontime, suppertime, chore time too!
Get the ball in pocket, never mind gettin' dandelions pulled
Or the screen door patched, or the beefstake pounded
Never mind pumping any water till your parents are caught with the cistern empty on a Saturday night-and that's trouble!
Yes, you got lots and lotsa trouble!
I'm thinkin' of the kids in the knickerbockers, shirt-tailed young ones, peekin' in the pool hall winda after school.
Ya got trouble folks! Right here in River City!
Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool!
Now, I know all you folks are the right kind of parents
I'm going to be perfectly frank.
Would ya like to know what kind of conversation goes on while they're loafing around that hall?
They'll be tryin' out Bevo
Tryin' out Cubebs
Tryin' out tailor mades like cigarette fiends!
And braggin' all about how they're gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with Sen Sen.
And one fine night
They leave the pool hall, headed for the dance at the armory
Libertine men and scarlet women-and ragtime!
Shameless music that'll grab your son, your daughter
In the arms of a jungle animal instinct-massteria!
Friend, the idle brain's the devil's playground! Trouble!
REFRAIN:
CHORUS SINGS: Oh, we got trouble
HILL: Right here in River City! (Chorus echoes him) With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool!
CHORUS: That stands for pool!
HILL: We've surely got trouble! (Chorus echoes)
HILL: Right here in River City!
CHORUS: Right here!
HILL: Gotta figger out a way to keep the young ones moral after school!
CHORUS: Our children's children gonna have... (chanted afterward: trouble, trouble, trouble in the background of Hill's speech)
HILL: Mothers of river city: heed that warning before it's too late.
Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption:
The minute your son leaves the house, does he rebutton his knickerbockers BELOW THE KNEE?
Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger? A dime novel hidden in the corn crib?
Is he starting to memorize jokes from Cap'n Billy's Whiz Bang?
Are certain words...creeping into his conversation?
Words like...like swell?
And so's your old man!
(Trouble crescendoes on every 6th beat as swell and old man are mentioned).
Well, if so my friends-ya got trouble!
REFRAIN IS REPEATED, but replace "Gotta find a way to keep the young ones moral after school" with "Remember the main Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule!"
CHORUS THEN CHANTS TROUBLE IN THE BACKGROUND AS HILL CONTINUES
Oh, ho we got trouble
We're in terrible, terrible trouble
That game with the 15 numbered balls is the devil's tool!
CHORUS: Devil's tool!
Oh yes we got trouble-trouble-trouble
CHORUS: Oh yes, we got trouble here, we got big big trouble!
HILL: With a capital T! CHORUS ECHOES HILL: And that rhymes with P! CHORUS ECHOES HILL: And that stands for pool! CHORUS ECHOES, HOLDING THE NOTE. WOMEN SOAR TO A HIGH NOTE.:)
- Prof. Harold Hill, "The Music Man"