Posted on 11/16/2001 6:52:13 PM PST by InvisibleChurch
A friend of mine got shot in the bonker...it wasn't a pretty cite.
History, after all, is nothing more than ``the behind of the present,'' according to one student, who aptly added: ``This gives incites from the anals of the past.''The teachers must have loved reading this kids' papers. LOL.
Dear Mr. Harris, Tommy hurt himself playing soccer yesterday so he won't be able to play P.E. today. Please execute him."
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the Father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Galileo invented the telephone, but the Church later cut his communications. Sir Walter Raleigh is an historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in the tea. The Boston Tea Party was when angry colonists dumped tea into Boston Harbour dressed as Indonesians. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without any stamps. During the war, Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin was two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became The Father of His Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constipation, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became the greatest President of the United States. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength". He also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Jefferson Davis became President of the Confounded States of America, which began the Civilised War. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. The Civil War ended when General Granite defeated General Lee on the Battlefield of Appendicitis. On the night of 14 April 1865 Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. During the Reconstruction the transcontinental railway was completed when they hammered the Golden Spick into the ground. So Spain declared war on the United States.
France was in a very serious state. The Queen of France was Marie Antony. She ate cake and doughnuts all the time. The people loved her because she was very beautiful and very obese, and she gave them cake. The King of France was Louis XYZ. But the people hated him because he was a very angry man who lost his head all the time. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Mayonnaise was the theme song of the French Revulsion and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish Gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of Waterlog and died in exile in Helena, Montana.
Many great inventions and ideas were discovered. Samuel Moose invented the telegraph, and later he invented the Remorse Code because he regretted it. The Marx Brothers wrote _Das Capital_ and _The Communist Infestation_. Sherlock Holmes invented the telephone and called "Watson, come here, I want you!" Henry Ford invented the infernal digestion engine. The Eyfful Tower was named because it was very large. Julio Macaroni invented the radio.
Adolf Hitler became Chancellor of Germany after President Hindenberg requested him to build a cabinet. Hindenberg exploded in New Jersey and later died from this. But Hitler was not really German because he was born just across the border in Australia. Hitler ruled Germany with secret police known as the Gaspacho. Hitler did not like his friends and so he started World War II. He lost. At first Hitler was successful when he defeated the Maginot Lion. However toward the end of the war Hitler was often bombed. He died of acute suicide.
The Twentieth Century was known as the Dawn of Man. In 1969 Buzz Armstrong was the first man on the Moon. He took a small step because it was a leap year. But he did not stay very long because the Moon has no atmosphere. Astronauts weigh less on the Moon because they are so far from Earth. The Moon rotates on its anxiety once per month.
A student of Theodore Gumbril, B.A.Oxon.
(Huxley, Antic Hay)
That's only about half of the text I have. You'd bust a gut if I posted it in its entirety! I've kept it all this time because it's one of the funniest things I've ever read.
Food for thought...
BTW, what's INRI?
foreverfree
An organization that makes you eat cold tomato soup before executing you.
This stuff posted above is much, much worse.
If you can't fool all of the people all of the time, start breeding them for stupidity.
America's Fifth Column ... watch PBS documentary JIHAD! In America -- here
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