Posted on 10/27/2001 7:43:48 PM PDT by mlo
10/26/2001: Friday
"Enough is enough," said President George W. Bush as he announced plans for a "war on prop comedy" in a press conference yesterday. The President has vowed to root out all prop comedy in all its forms and bring its practitioners to justice. He also said that the United States sees no difference between prop comics and the night clubs which harbor them.
The military action, code named "Operation Enduring Heckles," got underway this morning as American aircraft began carpet bombing areas outside of Los Angeles where Carrot Top is believed to be hiding.
Even as America's considerable military might has been brought to bear, reports from the region indicate that the comedian is still alive. In spite of this apparent lack of progress, Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this morning that American efforts have seriously hindered Carrot Top's ability to practice prop comedy. Bombing raids destroyed an East Los Angeles warehouse believed to contain most of Carrot Top's stage props. His "prop lab," a separate facility responsible for designing and creating new props was also destroyed.
Unfortunately a dozen civilians were killed when a bomb intended for Carrot Top's day-glow orange house exploded in a suburban Los Angeles neighborhood.
All the same, members of Congress have already become impatient with Operation Enduring Heckles, complaining that the danger of further prop comedy increases with each passing day.
"He keeps doing these AT&T commercials just to taunt us," said Bob Barr (R. Georgia). "'Look at me,' he seems to be saying. 'I'm still alive.' It's humiliating!"
It is possible that troops have not been able to nab the comedian because he has undergone some kind of plastic surgery to alter his appearance. According to those close to the man, this is something he has done before. After comparing recent photos with those taken a few years ago, it certainly seems that Carrot Top has been going to Jocelyn Wildenstein's plastic surgeon for some time.
Some peace activists question whether going after Carrot Top is a good idea at all. At a rally in Berkeley, California, protesters shouted slogans and carried signs: "All we are saying ... is give props a chance."
"Attacking Carrot Top will only make him angry," said one activist. "The mind boggles to consider what an angry prop comic could do."
Some fear that even if Special Forces units locate and kill Carrot Top, the war against prop comedy will still be far from over. Gallagher, the man whom many believe to be the mastermind behind the operation, is still at large. While Gallagher sitings continue to pour into the FBI's 800 number tip line, it is well known that the aging comic has sold his entire act, Sledge-O-Matic and all, to his brother [who happens to look a lot like him].
Gallagher is so secretive, in fact, that the photo gallery section of his own web site is nothing but a grid of red X's. Puzzling. Dastardly.
Attorney General John Ashcroft warned the nation last week in a press conference that there is a "100 percent probability" that Carrot Top will strike again in the near future.
For now America watches and waits, hoping that the prop comedy nightmare will soon come to an end.
:-)
IMHO
SR
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