Posted on 10/10/2001 5:31:33 PM PDT by Utah Girl
Suppose gentle readers, that Archibald and Basil, our imaginary police officers who starred in a previous examination of racial profiling, despairing at the unrelieved decline of the Los Angeles Police Department (the stuff for some future column), elect to turn in their badges and seek employment in the now burgeoning field of airline security. And further suppose that, as officers in some new federal aviation police force, they are stationed in the United Airlines terminal at Los Angeles International Airport. Streaming through the security checkpoint are hundreds upon hundreds of passengers destined for cities all over the globe. Archibald and Basil are charged with the task of preventing anyone inclined toward the sort of barbarity committed on September 11 from bringing it off, and in this role they are given certain tools: They have the usual array of magnetometers and devices for detecting explosives; they have security cameras that can zoom in on suspected troublemakers; and they have manifests for all the flights scheduled to depart from their assigned terminal, on which is listed each passenger's name, address, telephone number, and information on how and when his airline ticket was purchased.
Presenting themselves at the checkpoint for inspection are the following individuals: Mrs. Mildred Middlebrow, age 71, who is returning home to Peoria, Illinois by way of a connecting flight in Chicago. Behind her in line is Miss Suzy Sutton, age 20, a student at USC and chapter president of the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority. She is bound for New York, where she is to interview for a position as an intern with Gigantico, purveyor of products large and small in great demand throughout the world . Then comes Mr. Bob Baggadonuts, age 47, a million-mile flier on United, American, Delta, and U.S. Airways, who has crisscrossed the country many times in his career as a leading salesman for Acme Widget, Inc. of Schenectady, New York. Last in this group of passengers is Mr. Abdul Khalid Death-to-America Mohamed, age 25, late of Tripoli, Baghdad, Kabul, and Daytona Beach. He is ticketed for a trip to Washington, D.C.
Archibald and Basil, ever vigilant, take it upon themselves to scrutinize this little gaggle of passengers in order to ferret out any in whom might dwell a tendency toward terrorism. "Let us take this group aside," says Archibald, "and give them the old routine."
"Quite right," says Basil. "Let's."
And in cursory conversation with the group they glean a few personal tidbits from each of them, to wit, that Mrs. Middlebrow has been in California visiting her sister Madge, who, at age 76, recently bowled her fourth 300 game (two of which came after hip-replacement surgery); that Miss Sutton is concerned about which shade of lipstick she might wear to her interview so as to convey the proper corporate image at Gigantico; that Mr. Baggadonuts is most enthused about the new line of products soon to be introduced by Acme Widgets, Inc. of Schenectady, New York, the increased sales of which he hopes will propel him past arch-rival Ernie Dillard (who thinks he's so damn smart) on the sales chart and earn him the new Cadillac being awarded to the man who moves the most widgets in the fourth quarter; and finally that Mr. Abdul Khalid Death-to-America Mohamed is in the United States on a student visa and has been taking flying lessons at various locations around the country. "I know how to fly them," Mr. Mohamed declares, "but not how to land them."
Studying the manifests, our officers learn that Mrs. Middlebrow bought her ticket online some weeks ago, paying for it with her AARP Visa card. Miss Sutton's ticket was purchased by her father, a physician in Newport Beach, who charged it to his American Express account. Mr. Baggadonuts's ticket was purchased by the in-house travel coordinator at Acme Widgets, Inc. of Schenectady, New York. Mr. Mohamed's one-way ticket was paid for with cash earlier today at the No Questions Asked travel agency on Century Boulevard, a few blocks east of the airport. The phone number listed is that of a pay phone outside the liquor store down the street from the travel agency.
Attuned to recent events as they are, Archibald and Basil take a professional interest in Mr. Mohamed. "There's something about that one," says Archibald, "that warrants further inquiry."
"Quite right," says Basil, "but we must take care not to offend."
"Yes. In order to achieve an appearance of objectivity, we must annoy, delay, and inconvenience even those passengers who any fool can see pose no threat whatsoever, or else risk an affront to our peace-loving Arab and Muslim friends and neighbors."
So, in the interest appearing evenhanded, Archibald and Basil proceed to rifle the belongings of the first three passengers, relieving Mrs. Middlebrow of her sewing kit, Miss Sutton of her emery board, and Mr. Baggadonuts of a wallet photograph depicting him holding a shotgun in one hand and a just-bagged Canada goose in the other. "We have zero tolerance for weapons here in the airport these days," Archibald admonishes. "You really should have known better."
So much effort have Archibald and Basil devoted to combing the recesses of the first three passengers' luggage, purses, and pockets that little time remains for searching Mr. Abdul Khalid Death-to-America Mohamed's carry-on bag. "I'll miss my plane," he says. "Allah will rain down destruction on you ignorant tools of the Great Satan and crush you like insects if you do not release me this instant!"
"Well, there's certainly no need for all that," says Archibald, handing over the man's bag. "Sorry to be a bother. On your way, then. And please do have a pleasant flight."
"That was a close shave," says Basil, watching the man storm off. "He might have made a complaint against us."
"Seemed harmless enough," says Archibald. "What's the worst that could happen?"
(*Jack Dunphy is the author's nom de cyber. The opinions expressed are his own and almost certainly do not reflect those of the LAPD management .)
Of course, another thing to do is spray them with Hog blood. But seriously - We MUST ensure the safety of the Nation even at the expense of the tender feelings and ire of Arabic looking people.
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