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Chili recipes

Annie Rae's Hot n' Sassy Chili

Vegetables:
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 medium red onions, peeled, chopped
3 stalks of celery, washed, chopped
2 large green peppers, washed, cored, chopped
3-4 small Hungarian yellow peppers, chopped
1 jalapeno pepper to the vegetable part, washed, chopped with seeds

Beef mixture:
3 1/2 pounds of ground sirloin
1 small white onion, peeled, chopped
1 pound of beef stew meat
1 tablespoon olive oil

Tomatoes and spices:
3 cans (28 ounces each) diced tomatoes
1 can (28 ounces) stewed tomatoes
1 can (28 ounces) tomato sauce
1 can (14 ounce) zesty diced tomatoes
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/2 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon dill weed
1 1/2 teaspoons chili powder
3 tablespoons garlic powder
5-6 gloves of fresh garlic, peeled, minced

In a large skillet, heat the olive oil and saute the red onion, celery, green pepper, jalapeno pepper and Hungarian peppers until softened; remove from the skillet and set aside.

In a large stock pot, brown the ground sirloin with the white onion, leaving the fat in the pan. In a large skillet, heat the remaining 1 tablespoon olive oil and brown the beef stew meat. Add the stew meat and sauteed vegetables to the large stock pot with the ground sirloin. Add all the tomatoes, sauces and spices. Let simmer 3 hours.

Makes 20 generous servings.

From Renae Doulette and Anne Doulette, Livonia

Tested by Susan Selasky for the Free Press Test Kitchen

259 calories (40% from fat), 11 grams fat (4 grams sat. fat), 15 grams carbohydrate, 23 grams protein, 782 mg sodium, 68 mg cholesterol, 43 mg calcium, 3 grams fiber.


Fireworks Chili

Spice mix:
9 tablespoons chili powder (use a mix of California chile powder, New Mexico hot chile powder and New Mexico Chimayo chile powder)
3 tablespoons ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon oregano
1 tablespoon beef bouillon granules
1 teaspoon brown sugar

Chili ingredients:
1-2 tablespoons olive oil, divided
3 pounds bottom sirloin, cut into 3/8-inch cubes
Granulated garlic to taste
1 large onion, peeled, chopped
1 can (8 ounces) green chiles, chopped
6 garlic cloves, peeled, crushed
1 can (14 1/2 ounces) beef broth
1 can (14 1/2 ounces) chicken broth
1 can (15 ounces) tomato sauce
Salt to taste

In a small bowl, combine the spice mix ingredients; set aside. In a large skillet, heat 1 tablespoon of the olive oil. Add the cubed meat and brown. Sprinkle the meat with granulated garlic while browning. In a large stock pot, heat 1 tablespoon of olive oil over medium heat. Add the onion, garlic and green chiles. Cook until tender. Add the browned meat to the stock pot. Add the broths and tomato sauce to the pot. Add 2/3 of the spice mix and stir. Cover and simmer 2 hours. Add the remaining spice mix and simmer 1 more hour or until meat is tender. Add salt to taste.

Makes about 3 quarts.

Cook's note: Chimayo chile powder comes from northern New Mexico peppers that are milder and sweeter in flavor. It's not available here; check mail-order sources.

Tested by Susan Selasky for the Free Press Test Kitchen

228 calories (35% from fat), 9 grams fat (3 grams sat. fat), 9 grams carbohydrate, 28 grams protein, 824 mg sodium, 71 mg cholesterol, 47 mg calcium, 3 grams fiber.


Heartland Vegetable Chili

2 tablespoons corn oil
1 large onion, peeled, chopped
2 cloves garlic, peeled, minced
2 to 3 tablespoons chili powder
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon dried basil
1/4 teaspoon dried oregano
2 medium zucchini, washed, ends removed, chopped (about 2 generous cups)
2 medium carrots, peeled, chopped (about 1 cup)
1 can (15 1/2 ounces) garbanzo beans, drained and rinsed
1 can (15 1/2 ounces) red kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1 can (28 ounces) tomatoes, undrained

In a large stock pot, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the onion and garlic and saute 2 minutes. Add the chili powder, cumin, basil and oregano, stirring frequently. Add the zucchini and carrots and cook for several minutes, stirring frequently. Stir in the garbanzo beans, kidney beans and tomatoes. Bring the mixture to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer for 30 minutes or until the liquid is reduced to desired consistency.

Makes 6 servings.

From "The All-American Chili Cook" by Jenny Kellner and Richard Rosenblatt (Heart Books, $14.95)

Tested by Susan Selasky for the Free Press Test Kitchen

231 calories (25% from fat), 6 grams fat (0 grams sat. fat), 37 grams carbohydrate, 9 grams protein, 322 mg sodium, 0 mg cholesterol, 90 mg calcium, 11 grams fiber.


Cheli's Chili

3 pounds lean ground beef
2-3 medium onions, peeled, about 2 cups chopped
3 tablespoons chopped garlic
3 pounds ripe tomatoes, washed, diced
2 cans (15 ounces each) tomato sauce
2 cans (15 1/2 ounces each) chili beans such as Brooks
2 cans (15 1/2 ounces each) dark red kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1 can (10 1/2 ounces) tomato soup
1/2 cup favorite blended chili powder
Crushed red pepper flakes to taste

In a large pot, saute the ground beef until it is no longer pink. Add the onions and cook over medium-high heat until the meat is browned; add the garlic and cook several more minutes. Drain the fat.

Reduce the heat, add the tomatoes and simmer 30 minutes.

Add the tomato sauce, chili beans and kidney beans and bring to a low boil. Add the tomato soup, chili powder and red pepper flakes. Simmer 15 minutes.

Makes 12 generous servings.

Cook's note: This recipe is listed in the book as coming from Cheli's Chili Bar in Chicago. The bar is owned by Red Wing defenseman Chris Chelios.

From "The All-American Chili Cook" by Jenny Kellner and Richard Rosenblatt (Heart Books, $14.95)

Tested by Susan Selasky for the Free Press Test Kitchen

443 calories (36% from fat), 18 grams fat (7 grams sat. fat), 40 grams carbohydrate, 34 grams protein, 1,039 mg sodium, 88 mg cholesterol, 73 mg calcium, 12 grams fiber.


Jim Weller's Macktown Chili

Spice mix:
8 tablespoons mild California chile powder
2 tablespoons hot New Mexico chile powder
3 tablespoons cumin
1 tablespoon granulated garlic
1 tablespoon granulated onion
1/2 tablespoon arrowroot

Chili:
3 pounds bottom sirloin, cubed small
Oil as needed
1 can (14 1/2-ounce) beef broth
1 can (14 1/2-ounce) chicken broth
1 can (8 ounces) tomato sauce
1 teaspoon Tabasco sauce
Water as needed
Salt to taste

In a small bowl, combine all the spice mix ingredients and set aside. In a large skillet, brown meat cubes in a small amount of oil. When browned, drain the meat well in a colander.

Place the beef in a large stock pot and add the tomato sauce and beef and chicken broths. Add three-quarters of the spice mix, bring the mixture to a boil, then reduce heat to a simmer. Cover and simmer for 2 hours. Add the Tabasco sauce and remaining spice mix. If necessary, add water if it becomes too thick. Cook an additional half-hour or until the meat is tender. Add salt to taste.

Makes about 3 quarts chili (analysis per 1 cup).

From Jim Weller, West Bloomfield.

Tested by Susan Selasky for the Free Press Test Kitchen

203 calories (34% from fat), 8 grams fat (2 grams sat. fat), 6 grams carbohydrate, 28 grams protein, 443 mg sodium, 71 mg cholesterol, 41 mg calcium, 2 grams fiber.


Southern Chili Georgia Style

Spice mix:
4 1/2 tablespoons California chile powder
4 tablespoons Gebhardt (see note) chili powder or favorite chili powder blend
1/2 tablespoons New Mexico hot chile powder
1/2 tablespoon Chimayo chile powder or mild New Mexico-style chile powder
1/2 tablespoon Pasilla chile powder
3 1/2 tablespoons cumin
1 tablespoon granulated garlic
4 teaspoons onion powder
1/2 tablespoon brown sugar

Chili ingredients:
3 teaspoons oil
3 pounds boneless chuck, trimmed, cut into small chunks
1 can (14 1/2 ounces) beef broth
1 can (14 1/2 ounces) chicken broth
1 can (8 ounces) tomato sauce
1 can (4 ounces) chopped green chiles
1 teaspoon Tabasco sauce
Salt to taste

In a small bowl, combine the spice mix ingredients and set aside.

In a large skillet, heat the oil over medium heat and brown the meat. Drain and transfer to a large stock pot along with the beef and chicken broths, tomato sauce and green chiles.

Add two-thirds of the spice mix to the chili. Cover and simmer 2 hours. Add the remaining spice mix. Cook an additional hour or until meat is tender. Add Tabasco sauce and salt to taste. Serve with saltine crackers.

From Gerogia Weller, West Bloomfield.

Cook's note: Chimayo chile powder comes from northern New Mexico peppers that are milder and sweeter in flavor. It's not available here; check mail-order sources.

Tested by Susan Selasky for the Free Press Test Kitchen

219 calories (37% from fat), 9 grams fat (2 grams sat. fat), 7 grams carbohydrate, 28 grams protein, 489 mg sodium, 71 mg cholesterol, 49 mg calcium, 3 grams fiber.


White Bean Chicken Chili

2 tablespoons olive oil
2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breast, washed, patted dry
2 medium onions, peeled, chopped
4 cloves garlic, peeled, minced
1 can (8 ounces) diced green chiles
1 1/2 teaspoons oregano
1/4 teaspoon cloves
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
3 tablespoons chile powder such as New Mexico
1 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon white pepper
1 jar (48 ounces) Great Northern beans, undrained
6 cups 99 percent fat-free, 1/3-less-sodium chicken broth
4 cups chopped or sliced celery
2 cups shredded Monterey Jack cheese

Garnishes:
Sour cream
Salsa
Fresh chopped cilantro

Heat the oil in a large stock pot over medium heat. Cut the chicken breast into 1/4- to 1/2-inch chunks. Add the chicken to the stock pot and brown. Remove the chicken from the pot. Add more oil if necessary. Add the onions and garlic and saute over medium heat 5 minutes or until onions are softened. Add the chiles, oregano, cloves, cayenne pepper, chili powder, cumin and white pepper. Stir to combine the spices. Add the undrained beans, broth and celery. Bring the chili to a boil, reduce the heat, cover and simmer 1 1/2-2 hours. Remove from the heat and stir in the shredded cheese until it melts. Serve garnished if desired.

Serves 10 (about 1 1/2 cups per serving).

From the Free Press Test Kitchen

Tested by Susan Selasky for the Free Press Test Kitchen

417 calories (36% from fat), 16 grams fat (7 grams sat. fat), 33 grams carbohydrate, 42 grams protein, 1,138 mg sodium, 91 mg cholesterol, 347 mg calcium, 12 grams fiber.


Cornbread

Shortening for greasing the pan
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup yellow, white or blue cornmeal
2 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 cup milk
1/4 cup vegetable oil

Optional ingredients:
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1 can (12 ounces) whole corn, drained
1 can (4 ounces) diced green chilies

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Grease a 9-by-9-by-2-inch baking dish.

In a mixing bowl combine the flour cornmeal, sugar, baking powder and salt. In a separate bowl beat together the eggs, milk and oil. Add the milk mixture to the dry ingredients, mixing to just combine. Do not over-mix. The batter should be lumpy. Stir in desired optional ingredients.

Bake for 20 to 25 minutes. Remove from oven, cool slightly and cut into squares.

Makes 9 servings.

Tested by Cynthia Moothart for the Free Press Test Kitchen

204 calories (37% from fat), 8 grams fat (1 gram sat. fat), 27 grams carbohydrate, 5 grams protein, 318 mg sodium, 45 mg cholesterol, 130 mg calcium, 2 grams fiber.

1 posted on 10/02/2001 12:48:56 PM PDT by Willie Green (Go Pat Go!!!)
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To: Willie Green
Given its status as fall's greatest comfort food, that's the way it should be.

No reporter should be allowed to talk about chili this way.

2 posted on 10/02/2001 12:51:03 PM PDT by untenured
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To: Willie Green
Bump for a later read and printing.
3 posted on 10/02/2001 12:51:14 PM PDT by Bikers4Bush
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To: Willie Green
Well, at least it's not in "Breaking News".
4 posted on 10/02/2001 12:51:40 PM PDT by BunnySlippers
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To: Willie Green
Cook some sausage. Reserve. Cook up diced chicken. Load a pot with onions, garlic, oil and hot peppers. I use Serranos and Jalapenos. Throw in beans and meat. Add a decent chili powder. Stir. Eat. Drink beer. Burp.
5 posted on 10/02/2001 12:52:12 PM PDT by AppyPappy
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To: Willie Green
idx...idxgestion?
6 posted on 10/02/2001 12:52:14 PM PDT by PRND21
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To: Willie Green
I almost didn't read this when I saw it was from a Detroit paper. After living there I can say it is home of the worst chili ever. And the BBQ in Detroit makes the chili look good. But the article wasn't that bad.
7 posted on 10/02/2001 12:53:32 PM PDT by TXBubba
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To: Willie Green
I do want to say I did enjoy the Greek and Italian dishes in Michigan though.
9 posted on 10/02/2001 1:00:07 PM PDT by TXBubba
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To: Willie Green
Cinnamon.....
10 posted on 10/02/2001 1:00:36 PM PDT by ContemptofCourt
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To: Willie Green
Nothing beats Cincinnati style chili, especially the king of chili, Skyline Chili


11 posted on 10/02/2001 1:00:44 PM PDT by Corporate Law
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To: Willie Green
Thanks FRiend!

I have a Barry Goldwater recepie for Chili around here someplace--Ill find it for ya. Beans need to be soaked, you and use pinto or kidney, whatever you like.

I prefer the Spice Islands brand Chili Powder, and if I can find it, the Chili Con Carne Powder. A bay leaf gives it a nice flavor too, and takes the bite out of the tomato acid.

Thanks again!!

13 posted on 10/02/2001 1:01:00 PM PDT by Scholastic
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To: Willie Green
I love chili and was just thinking the other day that it's getting close to that time! thanks for posting this - some new ones to try.

I worked at a restaurant in OKC that did the white bean chicken chili. First time I (and lots of others) had ever heard of it. Was one of our most popular winter dishes. Very good!

15 posted on 10/02/2001 1:01:52 PM PDT by TexanaRED
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To: Willie Green
Reports From a Texas Chili Cookoff

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F**k those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a f**king grenade in my mouth, pull the f**king pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f**king mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s**t to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F**k it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the f**king 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)


19 posted on 10/02/2001 1:10:08 PM PDT by hispanarepublicana
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To: Willie Green
I cook up a pot of chili ever so often using a Wick Fowler's mix. He won the Terligua Texas Chili Cook-Off a while back. He has a family style and a two alarm style. Adding a Shiner Bock and plate of corn bread will make it a perfect meal.
21 posted on 10/02/2001 1:13:14 PM PDT by Slyfox
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To: Willie Green
Nuthin beats Texas chilli and BarBQue.I never order BBQ or chilli in a restaurant,maybe in a small town cafe,they are usualy owned and operated.Got to have plenty of cumin in the chilli.
23 posted on 10/02/2001 1:14:54 PM PDT by eastforker
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To: Willie Green
Thanks for posting these great chili recipes! I grew chili peppers in my garden this year and they are indeed ready for harvest. I was planning to make my own "famous" chili next week!

These recipes sound great and I may eventually try a few, but I am going to make the chili my family is used to and loves. The recipe is basic and not exotic...using the basic ingredients in all chili. I make a HUGE pot and freeze individual portions with what is left.

I know that everyone has their own secret ingredients or methods! Three of my "secrets" are 1)Brown the hamburger (preferably ground chuck) to a very, very dark brown. Rinse in a colander in very hot water to rinse off grease. This keeps the chili from having a greasy taste. Because I use a lot of hamburger, I have to brown up about 4 or 5 frying panfuls 2)I take half of this fried hamburger and some HUNTS whole tomatoes and blend them in the blender to a thick consistency...just a few seconds. This really thhickens the sauce or "gravy" and it is a beefy flavor. 3)I crumble a handful or two of Fritoes...the scoop kind...not the original! The scoop Fritoes have a different and better flavor. I then serve a few Fritoes on top of the served chili. (it is the cornbread alternative)

Happy chili cooking!

26 posted on 10/02/2001 1:16:28 PM PDT by Swede Girl
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To: Willie Green
Thanks Willie. We love a good bowl of chili. We'll try the recipes. My son loves to cook it.
27 posted on 10/02/2001 1:16:49 PM PDT by freedom4ever
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To: Willie Green
As a fifty year resident of New Mexico I can give you guys the true rules about chili.

1. It has no beans, beans are used in Texas chili.

2. It has no tomatoes, tomatoes are used in Taco Bell chili.

3. True chili has beef, pork, onions, squash, garlic, cumin, salt, potatoes, and lots of GREEN chili.

It is the only way to fly.

30 posted on 10/02/2001 1:18:33 PM PDT by ProudFossil
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To: Willie Green
That White Bean Chicken Chili is actually pretty good with some Tomatillias in it.
32 posted on 10/02/2001 1:19:45 PM PDT by gjenkins
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To: Willie Green
BUMP
34 posted on 10/02/2001 1:20:35 PM PDT by Aurelius
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To: Willie Green
As good a time as any to repeat an old FR favorite:

FOR CHILI CHEFS AND FANCIERS (AND PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN TEXAS - Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it.

Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a ?#&*^%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beerwagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her Sally, probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili# 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ...it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.

I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a supernova on my tongue. Chili # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

FRANK: Momma??!!

36 posted on 10/02/2001 1:21:18 PM PDT by kitkat
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