Dodging Religious Door-To-Doors

Humor of the Day ^

[SAMWolf]

It's Saturday morning when, suddenly, you hear a knock at the door. Everyone you know is either hung over or cleaning house. They all know better than to attempt any contact with you before noon anyway. It can only be one thing. Religious canvassers. Actually, that's two things, since, like snakes, they travel in pairs. You peek out the window, expecting to see two kids who look like IBM recruits.

Instead, you see a pudgy old lady in a faded print dress, attended by a skinny teenage girl with stringy hair and more freckles than a trout. The girl glances nervously at the slit in the curtain and quickly looks away. Girl Scout cookies? Raffle tickets?

Opening the door out of curiosity, you become the proud owner of a copy of their tract. It was the girl who fooled you. You never figured they'd bring a kid along. You rack your brains for some gracious means of escape, making a silent resolution that next time you'll follow your instinct to stand motionless in the middle of the living room hoping that protective coloration will render you invisible.

Rack your brains no longer! After years of similar experiences, we have developed several techniques for turning those agonizing encounters into hours of entertainment. Here are just a few of the great techniques you can use:

1. Listen for a minute or two with a polite but puzzled expression and then speak in a foreign language. Better yet, make one up. Brand names for electronic components serve as an excellent base for an impromptu language. I've found the following bit to be an excellent opener: 'Fritzen mitsuba micht sony leam spartinza. Nakamichi shpont olufsen takamine. Cheloken eraza fleecht?'

2. Before you open the door, put on a pair of Groucho glasses and pour some Pine Sol in a coffee cup. Then attempt to engage them in a serious debate, spreading Pine Sol fumes by blowing occasionally into the cup as if you are cooling it. See how long you can hold them. Try to remember not to drink out of the cup.

3. Pretend to be deaf. Point to your ears, shake your head, and make intricate movements with your fingers and hands. This can backfire if they happen to know sign language. In that case, switch to being blind.

4. Ask them if they are from the health board about the hepatitis quarantine. Offer them a sip of your coffee.

5. Tell them you are not allowed to talk to strangers until the assault case has come to trial. More effective if you come to the door with a knife or a baseball bat.

6. Using a cordless phone, call someone you haven't talked to for a while. Then go to the door and make gestures like you'll only be a minute. See how long they stay.

[maxwell]

Yeah I was raised Baptist-- Reformed, though, not Southern... I'm assuming y'all are more mainstream, Anabaptist derivative... My folks are Calvinists, closer to Primitive Baptists (there's a name for ya, huh?!)...

You're making me hungry for macaroni casserole now, with all this Baptist talk!

[ksen]

Very sad, but true.

;^)

-ksen

[maxwell]

Actually it should be: Baptist - 5. One to change the bulb and 4 to complain about the new bulb and form another church with the old bulb.

Ain't that the truth. I think my folks split off with half a dozen churches before my dad finally got one of his own...

Not all Presbyterians are like that. The PCA church I go to when I'm not too hungover doesn't dig fags. I hear an anti-flamer sermon about every other time I go there.

[ksen]

Actually, we are independent Baptists. No denominational affiliations.

I've found that our church will never let pass an opportunity to have a potluck supper. As a Baptist, I've never gone hungry. ;^)

-ksen

[freeeee]

I used to like to answer the door holding a beer, or a bottle of Jim Beam. I would be wearing underwear, or be naked. Then many visitors began bringing children with them so I felt this method was inappropriate.

So I came up with a much better method. I would agree to read whatever it was they had, if and only if, in exchange they would read Carl Sagan's "Demon Haunted World". I would invite them back in a week or two to discuss what we both had read. None of them ever want to make the deal, and with that I wish them a nice day and close the door.

[MassExodus]

Now THAT was hillarious!

[Undivided Heart]

I just ask them for their first names and tell 'em I must leave now to get on my knees to pray them out of their cult. Works everytime, they give me a look that could kill, and they take my house off their list.

Funny, but so true.

[maxwell]

independent Baptists

Soooo... do y'all have altar calls? That's pretty much my litmus test for Calvinist/Free-willers...

That's it, I'm having mac-and-cheese tonight. Closest thing I can make to Baptist casserole, haha... My folks switched churches so many times, we didn't really have many opportunities for big ol' church picnics and such... [sigh]

[anton]

I bring my siamese to the door and repeat every sentence slowly to the cat. Any response by "Pedro" I translate as his being disturbed by the callers remarks:

Pedro is disturbed by your statement . . . I don't think he wants to hear any more of this . . . you'll have to excuse us . . thank you for stopping by"

[slhill]

An old joke goes along the lines of the JWs coming knocking on the door of Chaim Yankel. He opens it. "Good morning" they say, "we're from the Jehovah's Witnesses". "That's nice" he replies as he shuts the door, "tell him I hope he wins his case".

[tiki]

Just from experience, rattlesnakes do seem to stay in pairs. Where you kill one watch out for the other.

[Looking4Truth]

Usually a polite "No thanks, I'm not interested" followed by quickly closing the door will work.

But this is today's world, isn't it?

Then theres always "Release the hounds".

For the pesky ones, dress up in camos with your face camo'ed and jerk the door open, look up at the sky and exclaim "What's the frequency, Kenneth?", then dive out the door into the shrubs.

Best I can do before AM coffee.

[anniegetyourgun]

I know, but we are also to pray for the lost - so I do exactly what I tell these folks I'm going to do after they leave and I have their first names. It's getting easier now since many around here have taken to wearing nametags.

[Looking4Truth]

My favorite ploy with telemarketers is to listen to their spiel, then politely ask them to repeat it. Then politely ask them to repeat it again, etc., etc.

OR tell 'em your busy and ask for their home phone so you can call them back later.

[ez2muz]

"...What goes around, comes around. Or, if you like, think of it as going for good karma rather than bad karma. Or as a mitzvah, being kind. Or as your Christian duty to turn the other cheek. Or simple good manners."
Good post.
I always find these threads very revealing. Christians, such as yourself, show their Christian colors. The pompous fanatics who are more in love with their high-and-mightyness than their Almighty spew every non-Christian tripe one can think of.
Either show a genuine interest in them as fellow-humans or simply say, "No thank you."

To be clear, I don't like intrusions on my time in my home either. My response depends on my mood; but it's always clothed in the wisdom of "doing unto others."