Posted on 09/29/2001 10:47:10 AM PDT by Cagey
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
If you punch a guy and he takes the time to notice the trickle of blood from his lip, you're gonna get whooped.
Sharks take things personally.
Rich people always have portraits of themselves by Andy Warhol hanging in their houses.
People on television always have a rich relative who will die and leave them money when they are in a jam. Or they will have some friend/relative who is loaded to loan them thousands of dollars just by writing a check.
All tv parents are ex-hippies even though they were two years old during the Age of Aquarius once you do the math.
All kids age 5 years between the season finale and the season premiere.
Everyone has plenty of money, expensive clothes, a great car but no visible evidence of having a job.
On television, everyone's bosses let them get by with goofing off, talking about their problems, and taking off work on the spur of the moment to do personal stuff.
In science fiction there is always one alien race that is the "warrior race" and one that is the snooty "enlightened race" and humans who are regarded as the flotsam of the universe.
In science fiction everyone will wear jumpsuits.
Except in "South Park" where they're usually eaten, grinded into pulp, or butchered by the townsfolk.
Rich people have nothing better to do than beat up homeless people.
That I should keep my money in my pocket 99 times out of a 100, as it usually ends up in the hands of some simpering, left wing America hater.
Minorities are never wrong in charges of racism. All whites, when charged with racism, ultimately do some soul-searching and realize that they didn't know they were racists all along.
Or just watch, cowering in fear, while the males fight the monster; that's what made Signourney Weaver in "Alien" so refreshing -- Ripley fought back.
All Hispanics will speak with at least a slight accent, or they will use a Spanish word every two or three sentences to remind the audience that they're Hispanic:
"Hey man, that was some loco driving you did back there. You got some real cojones. Now let's get out of here, mi amigo."
90% of British people are sophisticated, upper class types. The other 10% are thugs with Cockney accents.
A bazooka can instantly destroy any tank with one shot. All infantry anti-tank weapons can blow up a large building.
All military officers act like drill sergeants. Most high ranking officers are psychotic and want to start wars for no particular reason.
In all cabinets/governing boards/councils of elders, there is at least one woman and she is usually the voice of reason.
Captain Kirk and several crew members beam down to the surface of a previously-unknown planet. They immediately discover that their communicators and phasers no longer work, and they cannot get back to the Enterprise until they manage to locate the main power source on the planet, and knock it out. Fortunately, they always manage to beam down within 50 feet of "the main power source". It's never a case where they, for example, beamed down in Japan, and the main power source is over in Belgium somewhere.
(And as we all know, if a non-regular is part of the landing party, that guy's toast 5 minutes after his arrival on the planet!)
Needless to say I don't plan to watch any more E.R.
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