Posted on 09/10/2001 8:57:56 AM PDT by Starmaker
YOU SAY WHAT….?
You say nudist,
I say prudist.
You say naked,
I say sacred.
Nudist
Prudist
Naked
Sacred…
Let´s take the whole thing off!
That´s your latest song on the tit..er…make that, hit parade.
Folks, listen up. I want to find myself a new planet. One that keeps its morals up and doesn´t pull its pants down.
Yes, I´m talking about public displays of undressed flesh. Unclad lads. Ladies au naturel. It makes me flinch. If that means I´m a prude, then there must be a whole lotta Mrs. Grundys out there like myself. Let´s go join a prudist colony, because it beats the pants off what´s happening in Central Park, which is fast becoming a public nudist colony.
Ah, Central Park, circa the turn of the 20th century (for all those who went to public school, that´s the year 1900). Once upon a time, genteel men and women could be seen well-attired. They wore beautiful clothes and took pride in their appearances. Especially in places like Central Park.
Clothes. Remember them?
I do, and elegant garb, too. I remember the 1950´s, with low romantic necklines, brocaded lace and poodle skirts. I remember when gorgeous decollate sequined gowns and mink stoles were standard fare on women everywhere. Remember Guy Lombardo? How about the Waldorf on New Year´s Eve, when every well-groomed gent wore a tux and the ladies wore spiked heels and styled their hair?
Gosh, I miss those days, even though I was merely a tot and only saw it on TV.
Judging by the pathetically ugly and tattered "designer" clothes seen on women today, maybe nude is better. Worse, these hideous fashion trends are started by models and actresses. I mean, for a lady to walk into a formal affair looking like she just survived an atomic bomb blast isn´t my idea of chic. (By the way, for those of you under 21, a formal affair is not what occurs in Gary Condit´s apartment.)
The fact is, it´s never the pretty and dainty ladies discarding their tops in Central Park to proudly show off subtle curves and delectable feminine charms, but the two-ton trucker gals whose amply dimpled derrieres could break a liposuction machine. I mean, if it´s Charlize Theron vs. Dolly Dimples, who would most guys pick?
Not so fast, fellas, you´re not off the hook, either. Why would I want to be visually molested by a six-pack beer belly in the buff on the Central Park lawn? Even the sixties were better now that bell-bottoms have been replaced by bare bottoms. The grass is beginning to look so bad I think I´d better start smoking it.
Speaking of bellies, what about pregnant women who wear sawed off tank tops and hip hugger jeans, displaying their naked swollen bellies for all the world to see? This whole "check out my pregnant body" started with Demi Moore when she posed nude for Vanity Fair. It may have looked good on Demi, because she´s well built, but it wasn´t all that appealing on obese Denise, an enormous chick I know who was gorging on a banana split while her third trimester tummy hung out of balance.
By the way, remember maternity clothes? I´m talking about the loose flimsy lacy tops that concealed a woman´s pregnancy and were so comfy. Wasn´t pregnancy once a mystical and sacred experience, something to be shared privately by a husband and wife? Now, it´s the attack of the giant gestations, and I hate it.
Yet, once the babies are born, isn´t it funny how Mom is off to work and the kid is off to daycare? Only the naked belly with child has meaning, not the child once born.
Please, find me a world with some decency and modesty, as Wendy Shalit put it in her book, A Return to Modesty. For those with a nose for no clothes, here´s my advice. Ladies: find yourself a nice guy, get yourself married, stay home, look hot, get a Frederick´s of Hollywood catalog, put on some black sexy lingerie and fishnet stockings, peel it off slowly, and let the action begin! And don´t forget the high heels.
Oh, and ladies, do the poor guy a favor. Take off the excess pounds first. That´s a good girl.
For you guys, I offer the same advice, only lose the lingerie and beer, por favor.
Then, maybe I won´t have to join prudist colonies or sing specialty numbers for a new kind of hit parade.
Is there now a nudist region in central park? Full, or just topless? Where in the park is it?
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