PERSON: Oh, oh, Help! Help, I'm...
PHONE: Press 1 for an in-progress Emergency. Press 2...
PERSON: (frantically pressing #1 on the keypad) Please, please, someone, pick up, please...
PHONE: You have selected an in-progress emergency. Press 1 for a physical assault in progress, press 2 for a rape in progress, Press 3...
PERSON: (frantically pressing #0 on the keypad) I need to talk to someone, please, someone, my husband...
PHONE: I'm sorry. That is an invalid choice. Press 1 for an in-progress Emergency. Press 2 for a fire emergency. Press 3 for a medical emergency...
PERSON: (frantically pressing #3 on the keypad) I need to talk to someone, please, someone, my husband is having a stroke! Someone...
PHONE: If you are experiencing a medical emergency, please hang up your phone and call the nearest hospital. Goodbye.
PERSON: No! No! (dials 911 again)
PHONE: Hello, Pittsburgh 911. Press 1 for an in-progress Emergency. Press 2...
PERSON: (frantically pressing #1 on the keypad) Oh, God...oh God...
PHONE: You have selected an in-progress emergency. Press 1 for a Physical Assault, press 2 for a rape in progress, Press 3...
PERSON: (frantically pressing #1 on the keypad) Oh, God...oh God...
PHONE: You have selected an assault in progress. Press 1 for a Physical Assault in progress. If you can escape, do so at this time. If you cannot escape, please wait on the line, and a Pittsburgh 911 operator will be with you shortly. (elevator music plays "Girl From Ipanema")
PERSON: (sobbing) Pick up! Pick up! My husband isn't breathing! Please! Oh, God...
PHONE: (elevator music plays "Feelings")
OPERATOR: Good evening. This is the Pittsburgh 911 Emergency Service. My name is Shoshona, and...
PERSON: (sobbing) My husband has had a stroke and isn't breathing, I...
OPERATOR: Ma'am, I need to know if this physical assault is in progress.
PERSON: No...no...I uh, he isn't being assaulted, he is having a stroke! I need...
OPERATOR: I'm sorry Ma'am, this line is for In-Progress emergencies. You need to hang up and call 911 and select the #3 option for Medical Emergencies.
PERSON: Wha...what?
OPERATOR: Ma'am, this line is for In-Progress emergencies ONLY. You are violating code 3244.12 of the Pittsburgh City...
PERSON: I NEED A DOCTOR! My husband-
OPERATOR: Intentional violation of Pittsburgh City Ordinance 3244.12 is punishable by a $100,000 dollar fine, five years in jail, or both. You are preventing other callers...
Bwahahaha. Perfect. Now, back to your regularly scheduled program.