It’s time for AI to write the obituary of CNN.
In their case, “useless” would be appropriate.
By ChatGPT...
In Memoriam: CNN - 1980-2023
It is with a heavy heart, and a hearty chuckle, that we bid farewell to a dear friend: Cable News Network, better known to its friends (and enemies) as CNN. Born in the tumultuous year of 1980, CNN lived a long and fruitful life, tirelessly pioneering the art of 24-hour news coverage. But alas, as they say, all good things must come to an end. And boy, was CNN a “good thing” for the world of journalism!
CNN’s early years were marked by an unquenchable thirst for breaking news. No disaster, political scandal, or minor fender bender was too insignificant to be blown up into a headline-grabbing spectacle. It’s not that CNN liked bad news, but it did seem to have a special knack for finding it in every nook and cranny of the world. After all, who could forget the gripping coverage of a cat stuck in a tree, or the riveting analysis of an airport baggage carousel that just kept on spinning?
Over the years, CNN became a household name, a steady source of entertainment in the guise of journalism. With a knack for sensationalism that would make even the most avid tabloid reader blush, CNN brought us such timeless classics as “Balloon Boy” and “Missing Plane Madness.” Its reporters would chase ambulances with the zeal of a dog after a tennis ball, and they would often race to be the first to tell us what we already knew.
One of CNN’s most endearing qualities was its unshakable commitment to balance and impartiality. When it came to presenting both sides of a story, CNN was second to none. Whether it was interviewing experts on climate change and then turning to a climate change denier for “balance,” or dedicating equal airtime to a renowned scientist and a man who believed the Earth was flat, CNN never failed to give everyone their moment in the spotlight. It was a true champion of democracy, ensuring that the truth was always somewhere in the middle.
CNN also had a remarkable talent for turning everything into a breaking news event. From the royal wedding of a minor European prince to the riveting escapades of a celebrity’s lost dog, CNN could make you feel like you were on the front lines of history, even when you were just watching a live stream of someone’s avocado toast being prepared.
CNN’s demise, however, was a slow and painful one. As the world changed and digital media took over, CNN struggled to adapt. Its once-mighty ratings fell, and it found itself in a constant battle with the internet, where “fake news” spread like wildfire. In a world where social media influencers could become overnight experts on any topic, CNN’s years of journalistic experience suddenly seemed less important.
In its final years, CNN found solace in bringing us breaking news from the same locations, with the same talking heads, and the same tired format. Even though it may have lost some of its luster, CNN never gave up on its mission to be the first to tell us what was happening, even if it was what was trending on Twitter.
So, as we bid farewell to CNN, let us remember the good times, the wild chases of windblown umbrellas, and the countless hours of expert analysis on things that really didn’t matter all that much. CNN, you may have had your quirks, but you also had a special place in our hearts. You will be missed, and your legacy will live on in the annals of satire and media history. Goodnight, sweet prince of sensationalism, and may you rest in breaking news heaven.