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I really had a tough time getting this one out of my head last night.

All I could think of was a gravely wounded sailor or Marine, and this guy comes over to them and stands above them:

WOUNDED MARINE: Father...I'm hit pretty bad...I'm bleeding...I'm afraid. Help me.

ATHEIST CHAPLAIN: I am not your father. You don't have to call me that.

WOUNDED MARINE: What? I can't hear you, Father. Could you kneel beside me and be with me?

ATHEIST CHAPLAIN: Well, I can't kneel, that is generally a religious thing, so I don't do that to make a point.

WOUNDED MARINE: What? Father, I am cold. I'm Afraid. I'm dying. I'm not going to make it.

ATHEIST CHAPLAIN: Everybody dies, there isn't anything to worry about, it happens.

WOUNDED MARINE: I have a wife and child. Will I ever see them again?

ATHEIST CHAPLAIN: No. You won't know or see anything when you die, which does seem likely now. Too bad for you. You are just a conglomeration of water, chemicals, and electrical impulses, that completely dissipate when you die, so you just disappear into blackness. Like going under for surgery, except you never wake up again. Same thing happens to your loved ones, so you won't see them either in some kind of childish "afterlife" You just go into a great blackness. Doesn't that sound fun and peaceful?

WOUNDED MARINE: Oh, no...no...that can't be right...why was I put here, what does life mean? (coughs blood, looking very pale and weak now)

ATHEIST CHAPLAIN: There really isn't any meaning to our existence, you are here for such a short time...shorter for you, I think...it doesn't mean anything at all. It is just electrical impulses inside a biological machine that stops working. You know though, these are all good questions. Think of all the time you wasted thinking about the meaning of life, the existence of God, and such. If you had only spent that time working for a non-profit, or enjoying the fruits of life, you wouldn't find yourself asking these kinds of questions as you bleed out on the ground. Hello? You still there? Ah. He's gone. Another one taking the dirt nap.

ATHEIST CHAPLAIN: (looks abstractedly around and shouts out) HEY! ANYONE ELSE NEED A CHAPLAIN HERE? JUST CALL OUT IF YOU NEED ME, I WILL COME RIGHT OVER. BUT IF YOU MENTION GOD, YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK, BECAUSE I AM ON DUTY TODAY.