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Teddy Kennedy’s rules for determining if you’re a drunk

You’re addressed by three separate liquor store owners as “the guy who paid for my houseboat.”

Your career is interfering with your drinking.

You have a reserved parking space at four different liquor stores.

The first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday was, “Wow, look at all that gum stuck under the bar!”

Your liver enters itself in a Tough Man competition.

Before you go out each night you consult a psychic hotline to determine which bartenders will be pouring strong.

You’re shocked and confounded to discover they actually sell Coke without Jack Daniels.

You don’t recognize the difference between “waking up” and “coming to.”

You don’t sniff the cork, you chew it.

You like a splash of coffee in your morning whiskey.

You’re kept awake at night by the sound of your liver crying.

2 for 1 is your lucky number.

You always drink Irish Coffee for breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.

Your bartender never has to ask, “Do you want another?”

You come home sober and your dog bites you.

You never drink anything stronger than vodka before breakfast.

If it weren’t for the olives in your martinis, you’d starve to death.

When your spirits get low, you use a straw.

You drink a bottle of wine everyday. Unless you’re sick. Then you drink two.

You woke up feeling really strange, then realized you didn’t have a hangover.

You know the heartbreak of watching the bartender dump the spill tray.

You call the bartending academy, inquiring as to what they do with their mistakes.

You give directions with liquor stores and bars as the major landmarks, i.e., “You’ll pass Argonaut’s Liquors on the left and Scooter’s on the right, then turn right on the street between the Satire Lounge and the Lion’s Lair, then continue until you see the tree that looks like a huge martini glass.”