[headstamp 2]

“Suicide hotline, please hold”

[Kickass Conservative]

Better yet, Suicide Hotline, Make America Great Again.

[goldbux]

Welcome . . . to the NYC Suicide Prevention Hotline!

For English, press 1. For Spanish, press 2. For Vietnamese, press 3. For Arabic, press 4. For Yiddish, say "OY!"

To help us direct your call, please choose from the following menu options. Please listen carefully, as our options have changed.

For wrist slashing, press 1.

For hanging, press 2.

For gunshot, press 3.

For cyanide or other poisons, press 4.

For defenestration, press 5.

For asphyxiation, press 6.

For blunt instrument trauma, press 7.

For acute barbiturate intoxication, press 8.

For ritual Seppuku, press 9.

For routine disembowelment, press zero.

. . .

You pressed 5 for defenestration. If this is correct, press 1.

. . .

Your call is very important to us! Please hold while we transfer your call to the correct Assistant desk.

. . .

All our Assistants are helping other callers at this time.

Your call will be answered in approximately . . . 47 minutes.

If you would prefer a return call, rather than waiting on line, please enter your phone number – preceded by the correct 3-digit area code – so one of our trained Assistants can call you back.

Thank you for calling the NYC Suicide Prevention Hotline!

Good-bye.