Posted on 02/21/2015 5:01:59 AM PST by Kaslin
Editor's note: The following is an adapted transcript from The Flipside with Michael Loftus, a new comedy show thats debuted on TV stations across America.
You know what I did? I invented an app for your phone. Now heres what you do when inventing an app, you look around and try to figure out what everybody needs; so Im watching the news, turns out everybodys getting killed by cops. So everybodys gonna need my new App, Michael Loftus How Not to Get Killed by the Cops.
Its super easy; you just press a button and it tells you what to do. Lets try it. Here we go, How Not to get Killed by the Cops:
"Dont do anything that would make a policeman want to kill you. ...and done.
It seems pretty simple doesnt it?
I think Im gonna sell a bunch of these things! Because the streets are crowded with people who seem not to understand that if you wrestle with a policeman for his gun theres a really good chance he will shoot you. You know what cops really dont like? When you wrestle em; that tends to make em a little uptight.
Imagine the defense line: Your Honor, all I was doing was wrestling the cop for his gun. I didnt think he was gonna shoot me, yeah, thats why Im suing. I think I should have a reasonable expectation to grapple with the officer to get his weapon and not get shot.
Theres been a lot of statistics flying around recently and I guess a couple hundred people are shot by the cops every year. And you know what I think? That number is crazy low.
Do you know policemen do? Do you know what the job description is for what they do? If theres an explosion or a crazy person in the street with a baseball bat or gunshots going off, the police have to stop what theyre doing and head towards the violence. Every other sane person on the planet would be like, Holy crap, those guys are shooting, lets go hide over there.
While the police have to go in, take control over the situation and make sure every law-abiding citizen is safe.
Okay so now imagine youre the cop. Youre all by yourself, youre in a dark alley and all you know is the suspect is supposed to be around here somewhere and armed and dangerous and hes in the area. All the sudden the trashcan gets knocked over, you see movement, its comin atcha and its got a gun so if its me, Im gonna BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Sure I just killed a cat, but it had a rifle!
Its a dangerous job. And the situation changes in the blink of an eye. Weve all seen the show Cops, that was great. Some cop would have to go to some drunk hillbillys house, hes fighting with his wife, shes fighting with him. Then all the sudden shes got a knife and shes trying to kill somebody. Howd that happen? I dont know but now the cop is in a fight for his life.
Thank God theyre out there protecting and serving. Because you know what theyre protecting? Our lives and our stuff. You like your neighborhood? Me too. Now close your eyes and imagine it without cops. It looks the same except now its on fire!
Now Ill tell you this; if there were roving bands of cops randomly hunting down and killing people, I would protest that like youve never seen a protest. Of course I wouldnt be at the front because if the cops are randomly hunting down and killing people and Id get shot so Id probably be standing behind my buddy Jeff using him as a human shield; but youd hear me, Id be chanting.
So heres the deal...We need the police, they keep us safe and its a very, very, very tough job. And if you dont want to get in trouble with the police, dont give them a reason. I thought this was like basic knowledge, but nowadays I guess you need an app for your phone to understand it. I have been afraid of the police a handful of times in my life. Every single time it was because I knew I was doing something wrong that I could get in trouble for.
You know what Im talking about...Youre doing 75 in a 55 mph zone and then you see the cop and you know he saw you and you get that knot in your stomach, your butt gets all clenchy, then you see the lights in the rearview, then you hear that noise woo nobody likes that noise, woo. Then you pull over and you wait for the cop with your hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 because youre busted.
Now theres a bunch of things you dont wanna do when the cop shows up at the drivers side window: Dont crank up the radio and tell the cop to wait for a second because this is your favorite song, and dont tell him to go stop a real crime because thats what he just did, and lastly, dont wrestle him because he will shoot you. I know thats a lot to remember, so you probably wanna go to the app store and download my new app How to not get Killed by a Cop.
Im looking forward to all that money, thank you very much.
I speak from experience, though thankfully a must less violent and traumatic one.
I got the *hell* harassed out of me in LAKELAND, FL some years ago, while in the home (in a good neighborhood) that I had owned for 20 years with nary a parking ticket.
Why? Because some low life was given bail after pulling my name and address out of the phone book. He used my address and last name and the numbnuts of the Lakeland Police Department didn’t verify before releasing him, but sent 2 cars and 3 cops to my house looking for him and were *nasty* as hell to me, called me a liar multiple times for not admitting (confessing??) that he was my brother and lived there.
I was naive enough to step out on to the porch to talk to them, then they tried to stop me from going back into my home. If it had happened now I would have had my door busted in and surrounded by a bunch of cops with AR15s and body armor.
So I can be forgiven if I don’t give the cops the benefit of the doubt in these stories. I don’t forgive or forget being treated that way. Cop tries enter my home without a warrant that is *peacefully presented to me*, I will treat him as I would anyone that broke into my home. Because that’s what it is. B&E with violence intended.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.