I feel I must point out that yes, men can and have been raped by women. Technically.
Sometimes when drunk and passed out even. Happened to a friend I knew a few years ago, when a mutual acquaintance (female) was determined to have his child even though he wanted nothing to do with her. Without going into the details, she availed herself of an opportunity which presented itself one evening, and did indeed wind up having his son -proven by a blood test. He swears he has no memory of that night or how she achieved her purpose.
I did enjoy the second half of your post, however. :)
Do you happen to have her number handy?