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Sorry, I had to do this...

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad

[boom crash]
[angels singing]

[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD: Open the door!
Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
[squeak thump]
[squeak boom]
ALL: Hello!
ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT: Yes... oh, it’s not a very good name? Oh! but we are
nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT: The what?
GALAHAD: The Grail — it is here?
ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget!
Crepper!
MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you—
ZOOT: Away away vile temptress! The beds here are warm and soft — and
very, very big.
GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh—
ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
GALAHAD: Look, please! In God’s name, show me the Grail!
ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the—
ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
hospitality.
GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh—
ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life — bathing, dressing, undressing,
making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights.
Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
GALAHAD: No, no — i-it’s nothing!
ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please,
lie down.
[clap clap]
PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
GALAHAD: They’re doctors?!
ZOOT: Uh, they’ve had a basic medical training, yes.
GALAHAD: B-but—
ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor
Winston, practice your art.
PIGLET: Try to relax.
GALAHAD: Are you sure that’s necessary?
PIGLET: We must examine you.
GALAHAD: There’s nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET: Please — we are doctors.
GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
PIGLET: Back to your bed!
GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
PIGLET: There’s no grail here.
GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen—
GIRLS: Hello.
GALAHAD: Oh—
VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
GALAHAD: Zoot!
DINGO: No, I am Zoot’s identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I—
DINGO: Where are you going?
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
GALAHAD: What is it?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight
to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It’s not the
first time we’ve had this problem.
GALAHAD: It’s not the real Grail?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
person, and she must pay the penalty — and here in Castle Anthrax, we
have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You
must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you
may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me.
And me.
And me.
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
LAUNCELOT: Quick!
GALAHAD: What?
LAUNCELOT: Quick!
GALAHAD: Why?
LAUNCELOT: You’re in great peril!
LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
GALAHAD: Now look, it’s not important.
LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we’ll cover your escape!
GALAHAD: Look, I’m fine!
LAUNCELOT: Come on!
GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
GIRLS: Yes, yes!
GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There’s only a hundred and fifty
of them!
DINGO: Yes, yes, he’ll beat us easily, we haven’t a chance.
GIRLS: Yes, yes.
[boom]
DINGO: Oh, shit.
[outside]
LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
GALAHAD: I don’t think I was.
LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LAUNCELOT: No, it’s too perilous.
GALAHAD: Look, I’m a knight, I’m supposed to get as much peril as I can.
LAUNCELOT: No, we’ve got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LAUNCELOT: No, it’s unhealthy.
GALAHAD: Bet you’re gay!
LAUNCELOT: No, I’m not.$