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If You Liked ObamaCare, You'll Love ObamaCar

By Ivan Betinov
11/12/2013
The People's Cube

In an effort to win back the hearts of the American People, the White House today announced its support of the new ObamaCar program.

"Too many Americans are driving substandard cars," said White House Spokesperson Jay Carney during today's press briefing. "In fact, there are a lot of Americans who don't even have cars. That is why the President, by executive order, has initiated the ObamaCar Program."

The new program will see that all Americans, regardless of age, place of residence, or occupation will be required to purchase a vehicle suitable to meet the standards mandated by ObamaCar.

However, Carney was quick to point out that this did not mean that anyone would be forced to give up their favorite ride.

"If you like the car you are driving now, you can keep your car. Period." Carney read from a prepared statement by President Obama. "Nobody is going to take it away from you. Period."

Carney said this means that nobody will be required to purchase a vehicle they do not want or need. Ever. As long as your current vehicle meets ObamaCar standard features, you can drive it as long as you like. Unless the manufacturer decides to recall it.

"But if that happens, don't blame us," Carney said. "That's the free market at work, that's capitalism, at least how we define capitalism, in action. We didn't do that to you."

He went on to state that all auto manufactures will be required to produce only ObamaCar-compliant vehicles.

The ObamaCar will come in two basic models: The Sporty Runabout and the Luxurious Executive Sedan. Both models come equipped with the following standard features:

Driver's Seat Child Restraints
On-Board EPA Supervisor's console and seat
Left Wheel Drive
Seating for Eight
Air Conditioning (preset to government-mandated 87 degrees summer, 41 degrees winter)
Gold Plated Power Window controls (Windows do not roll down, as drive through food is bad for you)
AM/FM Stereo with permanently docked iPod preloaded with President Obama's speeches
Cruz Control
"NSAvigator" GPS Location System
Solar-Powered Headlights
Powerful 0.5 Liter engine capable of accelerating from 0 to 40 in three minutes flat
Lean Forward Design
Four Full-Size Spare Tires
Fully Enclosed Golf Bag Roof Pods transports up to four sets of clubs in weatherproof safety
Built-in Pet Carrier and Seating for Pet Valet
Glove Compartment Lobster Steamer
Eco-Friendly Burlap Seat Covers
Wilson Progressive 14-Point Passenger Restraint system
Handicap Access Doors and Chairlift
Fender-Mounted Teleprompters
Heads-Up Display Closed Captioning
11,000-Page Owners Manual

Log on and order yours today at CarCare.gov!