Posted on 12/13/2013 8:26:08 AM PST by Kaslin
"Our house is as quiet as a tomb." So said a friend who's at the same stage of life -- that is, a mother of three with only one child still living at home. Her youngest, unlike mine, is an introvert, but like my Ben, he is exceedingly busy in his last years of high school, thus leaving the house echoing with emptiness.
As a college sophomore, I visited my academic adviser with a problem. "I don't know what I'm going to do after graduation," I confessed. He cocked his head sideways. "Most people don't come to me with this until senior year." I've always liked to get a head start on fretting.
In just eight months, Ben will be leaving for college. It's a milestone for him, but it's also a transformative life event for me. For the first time in 23 years, I won't be organizing my time with children in mind. I won't be thinking about buying (and buying and buying) groceries that include sandwich ingredients for school lunches and the quantities of food teenaged boys consume, or consulting the school calendar to double-check on things Ben must attend to (though, admittedly, he's nearly always on top of things). Nor will I be emailing teachers about this or that. It won't just be a different schedule; it will feel like a different world.
Why did they have to become such engaging and winsome people? It wouldn't be so hard to see them go if they were dullards.
Jonathan, whom many readers have been kind enough to ask about over the years since he suffered a serious head injury at age 10, is now working at a job he loves. He's living semi-independently and has totally mastered the public transportation system. So committed is he to his work that he volunteered to go in on the Friday after Thanksgiving, though he'd been offered the day off. He loves to cook and bake, and we've agreed not to object to any hair color he chooses so long as he does nothing permanent to change his body. (No piercings!) He still takes some things in life hard -- the recent death of his girlfriend's dog was tough -- but he is achieving a reliable equilibrium that is hard-won and gratifying.
David, the child I ferried to lessons and rehearsals so many afternoons, is studying trumpet performance at college. We played our first duet at Thanksgiving (mom on cello). He was tactful in letting me know that my timing was off the first time through. "Let's try it again more slowly." It was profoundly touching when he phoned home in his first year to tell me that our game of "Guess the Composer" -- played dozens of times as we listened to the car radio -- had been good preparation for one of his conservatory listening classes.
He's launched. Our talks are snatched now when he's home for all-too-brief vacations or very occasionally by phone. His bedroom, which we must de-clutter sometime soon, is like a memorial to childhood. Beanie Babies, so beloved a decade or more ago, stand sentry on a top shelf. The books he devoured -- the "Redwall" series by Brian Jacques, Terry Pratchett's works, the "Flashman" series by George MacDonald Fraser -- are faded reminders of a bygone era, alongside more recent additions like discarded trumpet mouthpieces, stacks of dog-eared sheet music and the letters of Giuseppi Verdi.
Ben still lives here, but I already see him in fast-forward. No longer do I listen for his cheerful whistle as he reaches the front door after school. He's busy nearly every day with some club, rehearsal or activity. He's often gone on weekends, too -- traveling with the Model U.N. (He assures me it's far superior to its namesake.)
He was born with a sunny disposition and enhanced it with an insatiable curiosity, warm sympathy and quick wit. It's been such deep pleasure to share with him my enthusiasms, from the trivial to the profound -- and to observe and relish his -- from music to Russian to politics. He loves the world, and the world reciprocates.
Women are so often exhorted these days to seek "empowerment" of one kind or another. Power is fine, I suppose, but is it as deeply satisfying as giving love and support?
I don't need to consult an adviser about what comes next. I'll keep busier with work and spend more time with colleagues after Ben goes off to college. There will even be upsides -- my husband and I can eat mushrooms as often as we like. But the bittersweet truth cannot be denied: Such fine young men as we've raised leave a huge chasm when they depart.
What a BUNCH of “Suburbanite” TRIPE! “Collage” MY A$$!
It gets pretty noisy when the grandkids come along, says the guy babysitting grandbabies today.
/johnny
Yeah it get’s REAL quiet when sons(REAL MEN) go off to WAR and NEVER come back. REAL QUIET! COLLEGE MY A$$!
Are you saying her kids shouldn’t go to college? I think that’s your meaning, but I’m not sure.
So long as you are lucky enough to have them that close.
Congratulations (and I mean it). Teach them well.
It's great, isn't it? My work schedule allows me every other Monday off, and I use that day to babysit my 3 YO grandson. I'd like to think we do a good job of wearing each other out.
Great read. I know a married couple that are exactly where this writer's friend is at.
Well uh...ok?
A beautiful essay by Charen. I’ve often wondered about her child who was hit by a car. It sounds like he still has difficulties, but is mastering them slowly.
Very true...I can't imagine not being near my grandson. Last night, we had him over for a few hours, the first time I'd seen him in nearly 3 weeks.
Prior to that, he spent 4 weekends in a row with us. Don't get me wrong, I love the kid to death, but that was a bit much. 3 year old boys require non-stop supervision, which is usually left up to me...my wife always has "errands to run" on the weekend...lol.
My house has been quite for several years now. I do very much miss kids in school type activities. I miss freezing my butt off in the bleachers at the start of track season. I miss the basketball tournaments on Saturdays and the road trips.
Yes, it’s quite all except the the scrapes of the long out grown turtle that is a living remnant of a child’s youth and the chirping of a bird that needs to stay with me while finials are being dealt with....
My last one graduates tomorrow at 2:00 after that, I will be officially OLD.
enjoy’em while you got’em
My little 4-year old will be heading for college in 2027. I’ll be 80, my wife 73, God willing. We’ll miss her terribly...
Spoken like a woman. Actually, to allow them to get into a limited amount of "trouble" is to teach them what it is to be free. "Non-stop supervision," is prepping them for a nanny state. The line is fine, but it is important.
I’m teaching them well. It’s the imptomptu physics experiments that drive my daughter nutz. ;)
/johnny
Once we didn’t have kids in the house we decided one day to eat nothing but apple pie and ice cream. It was great fun!
And I go by the name, "Opa"! lol
Very much like a page from this persons diary. Nostalgia? Yeah!
Thoughtful and contemplative.
Likely the difference between men and women or parents is apparent.
I liked it,
I gather that your child was adopted.
I didn't know that the adoption agencies would allow people in their sixties to adopt.
Regards,
Like Miss Piggy..."But what about me?"
Just my opinion.
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