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“Ladies and gentlemen. We know you have been anxiously awaiting these numbers, so I will get right to them.”

“First, we’d like to point out HealthCare.gov has had 457 million unique visitors, as indicated by the little visitor log thingee at the bottom of our Home Page.”

“In addition, over 73 million have clicked on the Viagra and Trojan ad links that are included at the Home Page.”

“Also, over 65,000 people have “hooked up” while chatting in our HealthCare Blogs, of which, according to the poll included, 75 people are now actually engaged to be married.”

“We can’t confirm this, but the number of clicks on the “Help! I’ve Contracted An STD” link climbed significantly after the “hook-up” blog went active.”

“To date, we’ve had over 2000 reporters spend an average of 18 hours each in their efforts attempting to log in to gather information on the ACA, and that tells us that they will be reporting a lot of good news soon.”