We have a cop in the family through marriage. He has had to deal with some very horrific things including a father kidnapping his own son from school and killing himself and the kid. Our marriage in-law found their bodies. An officer had tried to stop the kidnapping at the school but never used a weapon as a child was in the line of fire. (more than one actually) Absolutely heartbreaking. They never imagined the man would murder his own child.
I am going to be retiring in three months. I am not going off on any type of disability despite the tax advantages. I don't know about the much heralded PTSD and have never gone to see a counselor, but I do know that there is a cumulative effect that takes place. One of my first shifts on the job we went to a little boy who had his penis chewed off and he had been stabbed. I was the first person to evaluate him. It made national news. He survived but a few years later he was killed on his motorcycle.
I used to love my job because mostly it was about helping people and I started out with a thrill seeking personality. There is quite a bit of excitement when responding to emergencies. But after approximately 25 years I no longer look forward to going to work. I have seen a lot of ugly things over the years. Often the police find an ugly scene, but generally it is the fire department that actually cleans up the mess.
So I find that more and more I dread going to work; when the alarms go off I just hope that it won't be something nasty. So I realized that it is time for me to go. I am just hoping to make it through the next three months with nothing too ugly because I have seen enough.