Senator Nurse Fuzzy Wuzzy.
by Howie Carr
Friday, February 1, 2013
This is a great day for Massachusetts. This is the day John Forbes “Liveshot” Kerry stops being our senator.
The governor, who was born in Illinois, is replacing the senator who was born in Colorado with an interim senator who was born in North Carolina who will serve on Capitol Hill with the “senior” senator who was born in Oklahoma.
(Go to the Herald page, linked above, for a selection of John Kerry's greatest audio clips.)
In honor of this magnificent day, which many of us feared we’d never live to see, let’s review some of Liveshot’s greatest hits.
Everyone has their own favorite John Kerry moment, and this is mine, from 2004, when he announced that his vice presidential running mate was U.S. Sen. John Edwards. Liveshot, always a superb judge of character, said this about the ambulance-chaser who touched everything but the third rail:
“I know his skill. I know his passion. I know his conscience. I know his faith. He has honored the lessons of home and family.”
Yes, Mr. Secretary, but did you know his pregnant mistress?
Kerry’s acumen doesn’t end at the ocean’s edge either. Here is Mr. Secretary on Syria and its very ethical leader: “Syria is an essential player in bringing peace and stability to the region. … President Assad has been very generous with me in terms of the discussions we have had.”
On the dedication of the Big Dig tunnel: “This tunnel will be a bargain!”
This is a guy who makes Ed Markey look in touch. Remember when the Herald caught Liveshot trying to beat the $500,000 state sales tax on his new $7 million yacht, the Isabella? As reporters swarmed, he jumped into his Chevy Volt, er, SUV, and issued this clarion explanation:
“Can I get outta here please?”
As the reporters kept pestering him with questions, perhaps because he’s never seen a tax he didn’t like, unless it was on himself, of course: “Let’s not get silly here.”
Then there was the time Mitt Romney mentioned a “tar baby.” What a racist. You can hear the cut of John Kerry talking about a “big tar baby out there.” To which the national media responded as one: Nothing to see here folks, move along.
On the fact that when it comes to charity, he tosses around quarters like they were manhole covers: “The fact is I did make some contributions. They’re not enormous. I have two kids. I live off my Senate salary. My wife may be independently wealthy. I’m not.”
Now he’s worth $193 million.
And of course, this great one from 2004: “I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.”
Under fire, he shot back: “Is that flip-floppin’? Is that a flip-flop?”
As a matter of fact, yes it is.
Music, anyone? “I’m fascinated by rap.”
His favorite Red Sox player? “Manny Ortez.”
Favorite football team? “You’re lookin’ at the biggest cheesehead in America, right here.”
In rural Ohio, pandering for the hick vote: “Can I get me a hunting license here?”
If you don’t study hard, you’ll end up in Iraq. “It was a botched joke.”
In the 2004 campaign, he hired a guy who worked at a bicycle or windsurfing store as his valet. One day the valet lost Kerry’s special magic hairbrush. Kerry went nuts. “Where’s my brush? Where’s my brush?”
Now Kerry has hired noted Globe throne-sniffer Glen Johnson as his new valet. Some words of advice Glen:
Don’t misplace the brush.
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says,
‘I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’
The second, from Chicago, responds,
‘Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.’
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says,
‘No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in:
‘You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.’
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed:
‘You’re all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on...
There’s no guts, no heart, no ba*ls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the a** are interchangeable.’
Go you remember who that author he had on talking about the shroud of Turin? She had a book.