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For 40 of my 61 years, “going to the mall” ranked below “getting a root canal” on my Bottom 10 list. Luckily my wife and kids buy my shirts, sweaters, socks, underwear and jackets. I make an annual trip (generally against my will) for new slacks and shoes.

In the past five years, I'd say I've been to a bonafide shopping mall maybe twice. In each case it was to buy a Christmas gift I couldn't find or get sent to me in time. And, like most men, when I do have to go to a mall I have a plan of action. I know what I want, find it, buy it, and get out as fast as humanly possible!

When I was a kid, it was different. Malls were a bit more selective in the types of stores they let in and took pride in their appearance, especially at Christmastime in the big department stores. Now the stores and mall areas are dirty and bland, filled with shoddy merchandise, sullen clerks and yes, those poor misunderstood yutes traveling in feral packs. Online shopping for me.

And, like most men, when I do have to go to a mall I have a plan of action. I know what I want, find it, buy it, and get out as fast as humanly possible!
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Ain’t that the truth? Made a bet with my ex-wife one time: we’d go shopping at our local Delvita (a now-defunct grocery chain here), and I’d have all the items in less than 10 minutes. Sure enough, when I’d gathered up everything, she was still deliberating over whether she wanted chocolate, strawberry or blueberry yogurt and which brand thereof.

I can honestly say I’ve never received a dirtier look in all my life than the one I got from her when I said, “Told you so.”

And, like most men, when I do have to go to a mall I have a plan of action. I know what I want, find it, buy it, and get out as fast as humanly possible!

Let me tell you the quickest way to get service in a store, particularly a Pandora store around Christmas time when the "wait" is 2+ hours: CRUTCHES.

I broke my left foot on Dec. 19th. On the 21st my wife dropped my two sons and myself off at the mall to get a gift (she didn't know it was HER gift.)

While on crutches, it took me 15 minutes to traverse the mall finally making it to the Pandora store with my two sons. There was a 2+ hour wait, they were handing out numbers. The young lady who was giving out numbers saw I was on crutches, offered to get me a seat, then found the first available salesperson to take care of me and my two sons ahead of everyone else on the list.

Luckily, we knew exactly what we wanted and the entire purchase/transaction took less than 20 minutes. It took me another 15 minutes to hobble back across the mall to where the wife dropped us off so she could pick us up again. She was circling the mall parking lot, unable to find a parking spot it was so busy. (Orland Square Mall, Orland Park IL)

Lesson learned and note to self: Repeat "Crutches" next year for fastest service!

BTW: major KUDOS to the nice ladies at Pandora. Even though I told them I was fine with waiting like everyone else, they insisted on taking care of me first. I guess they didn't want to take any chances of me being bumped/further injured in their very crowded store.