Frank, an American visiting Texas, was invited to be one of the judges at a chili cook-off. He was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy — and besides — they told him he could have free beer during the tasting. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge one: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
Frank: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
Judge one: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so
irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge one: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably behind her back they
call her “Forklift.”
Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge one: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it’s kind of cute.
Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge one: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me
that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge one: Thin yet b. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No
one wants to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go
dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge one: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment.
Frank: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at the autopsy they’ll know
what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late. Tell our children I’m sorry I was not there to conceive them. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.
Had a really nice chili the other day.
It placed #2 but I say it was the best.
I was smoked brisket and chorizo in some really rich dark chili sauce that was hot and had so much flavor it was ridiculous.
I don’t know all the secret hobo spices but did find out sriracha was in it.
Malaysian cooking kinda' wins ~ it's a cross between ghost peppers and battery acid ~ steams even when it's cold.
There are kimchi mixes that are contenders though. They take these special daikon radishes and strip off the mild parts, cube up the hot parts, and slather on sambak ~ then make it real red with some plain old fashioned paprika.
An Indian friend had some fried pretzle type snacks he'd fixed up special once for a party. So we are sitting there eating these things and I noticed my neck was numb ~ had that afterburner trick you get with Pakistani greenbeans if you now what I mean.
I mentioned these were kind of hot; he replied through tears that he'd had enough.
That's when I knew I could win all these contests!