Posted on 12/03/2012 5:43:28 AM PST by Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Amid the media frenzy over Tiger Woods and Bengals receiver Chris Henry, a key aspect of both stories slipped through the cracks: Like millions of other men, Woods and Henry were -- allegedly at least -- the victims of domestic violence perpetrated by their wives or girlfriends. Beyond its brutal physical and psychological costs, domestic violence against men exacts a cruel economic toll at the personal, societal and national levels.For the most part, the media, authorities and average citizens see domestic violence as a crime that is committed by men and victimizes women. Consequently, funding to combat the problem has overwhelmingly been spent on programs that support women.
Widely Ignored Problem
And yet, more than 200 survey-based studies show that domestic violence is just as likely to strike men as women. In fact, the overwhelming mass of evidence indicates that half of all domestic violence cases involve an exchange of blows and the remaining 50% is evenly split between men and women who are brutalized by their partners.
Part of the reason that this problem is widely ignored lies in the notion that battered males are weak or unmanly. A good example of this is the Barry Williams case: Recently, the former Brady Bunch star sought a restraining order against his live-in girlfriend, who had hit him, stolen $29,000 from his bank account, attempted to kick and stab him and had repeatedly threatened his life.
It is hard to imagine a media outlet mocking a battered woman, but E! online took the opportunity to poke fun at Williams, comparing the event to various Brady Bunch episodes. Similarly, when Saturday Night Live ran a segment in which a frightened Tiger Woods was repeatedly brutalized by his wife, the show was roundly attacked -- for being insensitive to musical guest Rihanna, herself a victim of domestic violence.
Lack of Research
Sometimes it is impossible to ignore the problem, but when domestic violence against men turns deadly -- as in the case of actor Phil Hartman -- the focus tends to shift to mental illness. The same can be said of the Andrea Yates case, which many pundits presented as the story of how an insensitive husband can drive a wife to murder.
Much of the information on domestic violence against men is anecdotal, largely because of the lack of funding to study the problem. Although several organizations explore domestic violence, the biggest single resource is the Department of Justice, which administers grants through its Office on Violence Against Women.
For years, the DOJ has explicitly refused to fund studies that investigate domestic violence against men. According to specialists in this field, the DOJ recently agreed to cover this problem -- as long as researchers give equal time to addressing violence against women.
First National Study
Researchers Denise Hines and Emily Douglas recently completed the first national study to scientifically measure the mental and social impact of domestic violence on male victims. Interestingly, their research was funded by the National Institutes of Mental Health, not the DOJ. Not only does this demonstrate the lack of resources for researchers of this issue, but it also suggests that male battering is perceived as a mental health issue, not a crime.
This decriminalization of domestic violence against men affects research conclusions. While survey-based studies have found that men and women commit domestic violence in equal numbers, crime-based studies show that women are far more likely to be victimized. This inconsistency begins to make sense when one considers that man-on-woman violence tends to be seen through a criminal lens, while woman-on-man violence is viewed more benignly.
A recent 32-nation study revealed that more than 51% of men and 52% of women felt that there were times when it was appropriate for a wife to slap her husband. By comparison, only 26% of men and 21% of women felt that there were times when it was appropriate for a husband to slap his wife. Murray Straus, creator of the Conflict Tactics Scale and one of the authors of the study, explained this discrepancy: "We don't perceive men as victims. We see women as being more vulnerable than men."
Kneed In The Groin
This trend becomes particularly striking when one considers the 1996 case of Minnesota Vikings quarterback Warren Moon, who tried to restrain his wife after she threw a candlestick at his head and kneed him in the groin. Subsequently charged with spousal abuse, he was only acquitted after his wife admitted that she attacked him -- and that her wounds were self-inflicted. Ironically, her admission of fault did not result in charges being brought against her.
While Moon's trial was particularly high profile, his situation is actually very common. In fact, studies have found that a man who calls the police to report domestic violence is three times more likely to be arrested than the woman who is abusing him.
The mainstream perception of domestic violence also impacts the resources that are available to battered men. For example, the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women, the only national toll-free hot line that specializes in helping male victims of domestic violence, has faced numerous roadblocks in its search for funding. In Maine, where the helpline is based, the surest route to funding is through membership in the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence.
On A Shoestring
But, according to Helpline director Jan Brown, the Coalition refused to even issue the program an application for membership, effectively denying it access to funding. Today, 45 Helpline volunteers field 550 calls per month, 80% of which are from men or people who are looking for help on behalf of a man. Operating with a yearly budget of less than $15,000, it provides intensive training to its workers and offers victims housing, food, bus tickets and a host of other services.
The Helpline's sheltering services are informal and ad hoc, largely because its lack of access to funding makes a shelter financially impossible. In fact, of the estimated 1,200 to 1,800 shelters in the U.S., only one -- the Valley Oasis shelter in Antelope Valley, Calif. -- provides a full range of shelter services to men. And, on average, less than 10% of OVW funds allocated to fight domestic violence are used to help men.
For male victims of domestic violence, the legal system can become another tool for abuse. As in the Moon case, battered men are often likely to find themselves arrested, even when they are the ones who call the police. And, even after the arrest, the process of incarceration, restraining orders, divorce court and child custody hearings continue to disadvantage men.
A High Cost
Restraining orders are a particularly difficult hurdle. Radar Services, a watchdog organization, estimates that approximately 85% of the roughly 2 million temporary restraining orders that are issued every year are made against men. In many states, the requirements for an order are exceedingly vague: In Oregon, for example, a "fear" of violence is sufficient for a restraining order, while Michigan issues them to protect family members against "fear of mental harm."
But there's nothing vague about the effect of restraining orders: They often turn men out of their homes, deny them access to children and result in further personal costs as millions of men have to find new places to live, hire lawyers and pay other expenses. For some men, as Hines and Brown point out, the legal system gives abusive wives and girlfriends tools to continue attacks even after their relationships end.
As Straus notes, "The preponderance of [domestic violence] resources should be made available to women. They are injured more often, are more economically vulnerable, and are often responsible for the couple's children. That having been said, more resources need to be made available to men."
There is no doubt that domestic violence against men can be reduced; the domestic violence initiatives of the past 40 years have brought a hidden crime to light and provided protection for millions of women. The next step is to admit that domestic violence is not a male or female problem, but rather a human problem, and that a lasting solution must address the cruelty -- and suffering -- of both sexes.
moved into the barracks and filed for divorce, it was the safest thing for my carear. In our culture a man hitting a woman is rightfully seen as abuse but the opposite is rarely true. Most men that I know were taught to never hit a woman. Many attacks on men by women aren’t forcefull enough to damage anything more than the psychy of the male. I was in an extremely masculine world. What 24y/o would admit that his 100pnd wife hit him, especially to his Marine Corps friends? Even though my close friends knew how bad her temper was they didn’t even know how bad she really was.
I have also seen cases of physical abuse in patients. 1 stabbing and one assault with a baseball bat. Both these guys admitted it was their significant others but made me promise not to tell anyone else. I guess if I see this amount in my microcosm of this world there is alot more out there.
What I don’t understand are the men who are abused and don’t leave. If she is willing to hit you, she is willing to do anything. I think it is becoming more commonplace as women see violence as an end to a means.
Most of the abuse cases I see are older people with dementia. They aren’t good at hiding it.
The days of the poor defenseless woman are over. They are brawlers now.
I was a victim of domestic abuse by a woman from beginning of 2009 through mid 2010. She was an alcoholic who liked to hit every now and again (about three months apart usually). She was small so she never really injured me, but there was a pride injury, and an injury to our relationship. Finally, in April 2010, I called the law.
WOW does THAT sound familiar. Her name wasn't Angie, was it?
In my case she used a combination of threats and appologies. She told me that she would call my C.O. and tell him all sorts of things, all lies and all cruel. When I did leave her she called my Senior Chief and told him I was cheating on her, thankfully I was on duty at one of the times she accused me of. She did enough damage to my reputation, my credit score and my savings. and this was all within a year. And she got the last laugh, while applying for an annulment in order to get married again, she lied to the priest who was doing the investigation resulting in the ending of my engagement. You cant prove you didnt do some things years after the fact. Really, I should have listened to my grandma who told me that “Welsh women the only thing worse than Irish women”
nope, but the sad thing is, if she walked into my office right now I would probably make all the same mistakes again!
Since we’re telling war stories I thought I’d share.
When we were dating my ex and I never had a problem. She’d had a past and that should have been a “clue” but everything was great. Until we got married. 3 days later I was attacked and for the next 12 years it was hell on earth. The only thing I found to keep out of jail was, when the SHTF was to leave. I’ve slept in my truck in the woods more times than I could count. The final straw was when she was drunk, 40 miles away with her family and her Mother called and said my wife was coming home to “whip my ass”. I told her that she might be headed this way but she certainly wasn’t gonna whip my ass. Mom in law says “you better stay away from her you SOB” 40 miles away, she’s coming to whip my ass. And I better stay away? So, I left with what I was wearing and never went back.
I will never date again. All women are evil.
Are you completely insane?
I now have a Zero Tolerance Policy for what I like to call Crazy Woman S—t.
I’ll never be married again but I have dated several women. I just dumped a woman for something that most would deem minor. Whatever. Most seem to have what could be called for the lack of a better term “Princess Syndrome”. I’m pretty sure it comes from how they were raised. On the other hand, maybe they were just born bat shit crazy!
“Don’t argue. Easy. Don’t insist on your way or the highway, it’s that easy.”
Well, no. If you don’t respond then you’re “not listening”. If you do, then you are taking someone else’es side or you are telling her she is “stupid”.
My new “my way or the highway” attitude has kept me out of jail. It also seems to keep women somewhat civil. Until the inevitible time, usually about 6 mo’s or a little less, that they can’t keep their little inner “Princess” locked up anymore.
A good friend, who’s wife was killed in a car accident years ago, just married a woman who he’d been dating less than 1 mo. She has 2 small kids. Her husband committed suicide 1 year ago. I just pray that my 6mo rule of thumb is wrong in this case.
What do you think? Do you think it may be a possibility that her relationship with her husband just might have had something to do with his death? I certainly hope not. But, 1mo is kinda a short time to get to know someone....
Your friend is a moron
If the roles of Tiger Woods and his wife were reversed, and it was him coming at her with a golf club over her infidelity, would you feel exactly the same way ("no sympathy")?
Cool. In the meanwhile, this is a thread about psychotic, violent women (do you deny they exist) who use the legal system to get men in trouble.
How do you know that?
I would think that the experiences of the people on this thread (read the whole thing) would indicate that it DOES happen, and not infrequently.
I know that because of the work I do
You can add me to that list.
I was raised never to hit a woman, and I never have. I have dodged plates and pans, and when I grabbed her wrists one time to keep her from hitting me, she leaned in and gnawed a chunk of flesh out of my wrist (I still have the scar).
No, I never reported it because I didn’t consider myself seriously hurt and I still loved her up to the point where she threw me out because she “wasn’t feeling fulfilled”.
Most guys won’t report it, but it happens a lot.
In that case, go after the other dude instead.
You're avoiding the question.
If the roles of Tiger Woods and his wife were reversed, and it was him coming at her with a golf club over her infidelity, would you feel exactly the same way ("no sympathy")?
“Your friend is a moron”
I kinda thought so too. But, he’s 45 years old and has always had pretty good judgement. His kids are grown a moved out. He was lonely. Hope it works out, we’ll see.
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