"Carter, Ford, Kissinger, a rabbi and a hippie were flying in a small plane. The plane developed engine trouble and it became clear that a crash was inevitable. They decided to bail out, but there were only four parachutes. Carter said, "I'm the President and the country needs me, so I've got to have one of the parachutes." He grabbed a parachute and jumped out. Ford said, "I'm the ex-President and he needs me to advise him." He took a parachute and jumped out. Then Kissinger said, "I'm the smartest man in the world so I've got to have a parachute." And he took a parachute and jumped out. The rabbi turned to the hippie and said, "Son, I'm an old man. I've lived my life. You take the last parachute." And the hippie said, "Don't sweat it, man. The smartest man in the world just jumped with my backpack.""
Barack Obama is waiting before the heavenly throne to be judged. In front of him are standing Al Gore and Bill Clinton. Al Gore is ushered before the heavenly throne. G-d motions for him to speak. Al Gore stands and says as follows.
“L-rd of the Universe, I knew that global warming was total nonsense, but I was making money from it hand over fist. I even polluted the atmosphere with my private jet, going from one speech to the next. I hope you forgive me.”
“G-d says to him, “You are forgiven, my son.” Have a seat over there.
Next, Clinton is brought in. G-d motions for him to speak.
“L-rd of the Universe, I was such a philanderer that parents were afraid to let their children see the paper when I was President. My wife was a nervous wreck from my constant philandering. I was only the second president to be impeached. I hope you forgive me.’
“G-d answered, “You are forgiven, my son. Have a seat over there.
When Obama was brought in, G-d motioned for him to speak.
Obama said, “You’re sitting in my chair.”
In the other joke, a man is brought into heaven by the angel Gabriel. He is shown a star studded banquet table. He sees Winston Churchill and Abraham Lincoln. He sees Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King. At the end of the table of history’s giants he sees a huge throne. Looking up the glittering golden steps, he sees Henry Kissinger looking down imperiously at the assembled dignitaries.
“Look at that throne!” the man says. And look at all these important people ! But why is Henry Kissinger up on that throne, looking so high and mighty? Does he think he’s G-d?
The angel Gabriel looks at him and shakes his head. “No, my friend, you’ve got it all wrong. That’s G-d. He thinks he’s Henry Kissinger.