Send In the Clowns: Yippee! We’ve all got a front-row seat at the three-ring Stupid Party circus.

NATIONAL REVIEW ONLINE ^ | March 9, 2011 | David Kahane

[neverdem]

Send In the Clowns
Yippee! We've all got a front-row seat at the three-ring Stupid Party circus.

Am I the only potato who levitated from his couch last week when my favorite cartoon character, Mr. Newt, announced to a breathlessly waiting world that he and his running mate, Callista, were forming an “exploratory committee” for a possible presidential run next year? There he was, waddling along and grinning from ear to ear, good old SpongeBob SquarePants himself, coyly flirting with the wingnut electorate like an aging Sally Rand who left her fan collection back at the Casa di Riposo. I was so excited I immediately called up my homie, Charlie Sheen, and suggested we head on down to the Brown Derby for a few drinks and some laughs, but the hooker who answered told me Charlie was in Tripoli, advising Qaddafi on a new public-relations strategy, and I was on my own, celebration-wise.

So let’s party like it’s 1994!

Now, I don’t want you to think that I’m picking on the former speaker of the House just to get a few cheap yuks, but a) that’s my job and b) facts are facts. Gingrich is the most bloated, slowest-moving target since the Hindenburg floated over Lakehurst, N.J., and if by some miracle he were actually to win your Rethuglican nomination, it would be the biggest wipeout since Ronnie informed the Full Norwegian that he was no Jack Kennedy. I mean, we are talking a 57-state landslide here, with time out for golf, skiing, short ribs, and Marbella.

And then there’s Mike Huckabee, another member of the Fox News shadow cabinet. Unlike Mr. Newt, Huck still has his day job for the nonce, playing guitar, building himself a hillbilly McMansion in Florida, and bruiting the Kenyan upbringing of His Serene Majesty, Barack Hussein Obama II, Lord of the Flies, Keeper of the Hoops, Master of the Greens, and Protector of the Holy Cities of Honolulu and Chicago. We thought you’d finally cottoned to the distinctive Arkansas brand of snake-oil salesmen after we sent you Billy Jeff Blythe III, the pride of Hot Springs, but obviously not. Your nutball battalions of social conservatives heart Huck-huck-huck-huck-Huckabee, but go ahead and run him, we dare you. He can’t tell Indonesia and Hawaii from Dinesh D’Souza’s book, and if you’re going to beat Barry and his billion-dollar war chest, you’d better start thinking rationally.

Rick Santorum? The incumbent who lost his Senate seat in Pennsylvania by 18 points to our guy, Bob Casey? Puh-lease. No, I really mean it: please. Please, please nominate him and let’s just see how many anti–Planned Parenthood votes there really are out there. Not enough to get elected president, that I can guarantee you. After all, the only dead souls who vote are in our graveyards, not yours, especially since the 40 million or so babies we’ve aborted since Roe thoughtlessly never got around to getting Social Security numbers. Plus Fox just kicked him out, too.

Mitt Romney? Forget Romneycare. Not one American in a million knows that Harry Reid is a Mormon, and that’s the way we want to keep it, but I can promise you that every sentient voter will know that Mitt wears golden underpants by the time we get finished with him. It’s true that we are the party of love, diversity, and tolerance, but if Mitt runs, all of a sudden the Hill Cumorah Pageant is going to be more famous than the Super Bowl, the Angel Moroni more notorious than Bony Moronie, and the mysterious disappearance of the golden tablets in Egyptian writing revealing the Book of Mormon more fascinating than the vanishing of Judge Crater, Christopher Cross, Cyndi Lauper, and Dan Quayle combined. Still, you gotta love a religion founded near Rochester, N.Y., by a guy named not only Joe, but Smith, which is obviously what gives the Senate majority leader his deft, common touch.

Good Gaia, you’re not going to make it this easy for us, are you?

The rest of the pack is easily disposed of:

Mitch Daniels. Weird, short, combover, from Indiana, which has a politically incorrect name if there ever was one. OMB director, assuming you can lure him away from the fleshpots of Indianapolis.

Tim Pawlenty. No red-blooded American will ever vote for a President Tim. And in the 2012 crucible, Minnesota Nice just isn’t going to cut it. As our Barry famously said, ripping off David Mamet — they bring a knife, we bring a gun. Tim brings a butter knife. We bring an AK-47. Or a Muslim scimitar, whichever. Secretary of housing and urban development, or one of those other cabinet positions that don’t matter.

Rudy Giuliani. Four words: New York, New York. Repeat as necessary. Homeland-security chief.

Jon Huntsman. Who? Oh, you mean Obama’s ambassador to China? Right. Ambassador to China.

Haley Barbour. Mississippi Burning. Enough said. Ambassador to Mississippi.

Ron Paul. No, not the bore worms! Ambassador to Outer Space.

I’ve saved the best for last, as you knew I would. I am nothing if not a master of dramatic pacing:

Sarah Palin. I believe I’ve expressed myself in these pages many times about Your Gal Sarah, and how much we hate her, and how much we love her, and how much we love to hate her, and how much we hate to love her — hell, if it weren’t for the Divine Sarah, what would MSNBC use for cannon fodder all day long? Still, even though we don’t have an aircraft carrier handy — we hate firearms — we can proudly say “Mission Accomplished” when it comes to the destruction of La Palin’s reputation, and at this point you nominate her at your own peril. Yes, we know she rules the world via Facebook from her Fortress of Solitude in Mystery, Alaska, and she’s the only woman alive who can make Chris Matthews swallow his tongue on national television, except for maybe Michele Bachmann. But, believe you me, by the time our johnnies in the media get through with her in Campaign Aught Twelve, she’ll burst into flames and start speaking in tongues live on Fox News.

And, finally, there’s —

Jeb. As in Bush. As in the family that gave you Slick Willie and BO2 in its wake.

Yeah, right.

Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just doing opposition research, so you won’t have to. Meanwhile, I know exactly whom you should nominate and whom, in fact, you’re going to have to nominate in order to win, but I’m saving it for my inevitable appearance on Morning Joe. And no, it’s not Chris Christie.

— Despite his progressive upbringing, David Kahane wishes you knuckle-dragging troglodytes nothing but the best in the next election cycle, so go ahead and nominate one of these guys. You can tell him how right he is at kahanenro@gmail.com or read his masterful treatise, Rules for Radical Conservatives, in case you want to, you know, get a clue how to actually win in 2012.

[vlad335]

Very true. And the only recent republican presidents to serve two terms in office were both vemonently reviled by the left. If the GOP runs the middle of the road candidate in 2012 then they will effectively hand Barack a second term. Can’t imagine what this country would look like after 8 years of this corrupt, gangster leftist, theocracy.

[bigjoesaddle]

I thought this was a BLOG POST from NR, not an actual article!!! What a POS!

[dirtboy]

There’s no reasoning involved when it comes to the Sarah Bots. It’s pure emotion. If you don’t agree that she is a modern day Ronald Reagan their heads explode.

This coming from the PDS brigade, who uncritically lap up every liberal MSM attack on Palin and ask for seconds. Before you bash the Palin supporters, try cleaning up your own act first. And if we wait for a conservative who hasn't been savaged by the MSM, we're gonna have a long, long, LONG wait.

What you and the pinhead who wrote this misses is that Obama is doing a bang-up job of sending himself into the polling basement to where no level of MSM spin and bias can pull him out for a re-election win in 2012.

[iopscusa]

Does NR have a cookie cutter to stamp out these FrumFrum’s by the dozen? Looks let this guy has retained the stupidity from his progressive upbringing....David Kahane likely wants to bomb the crap out of QauckDaffy and managed to vote for the Conservative Obama too.

[lentulusgracchus]

Here come the Sarah Bots, swarming in like a herd of locusts. They're poised to pick your bones dry.

Oh, please. Spare us the invidious (and untrue) comparisons to Paultards and Troofers and Code Pink.

[lentulusgracchus]

Can’t imagine what this country would look like after 8 years of this corrupt, gangster leftist, theocracy.

What we need is eight years of Palin, the first four devoted to supporting AG Bill McCollum and Solicitor General Ken Starr in rolling up the Democratic Party -- all of it -- with a RICO investigation and criminal indictments for BO and Slick Willie and half their cabinets, including 100% of their former Goldman Sachs cabinet members.

The objective after four years should be to have BHO and WJC both in prison, the word "Arkancide" added formally to the OED, and 100% of CAIR's membership deported with prejudice back to the jihadi-supporting terror states they came from.

Oh, yeah -- and Osama Bin Laden stone dead and entombed with a slab of bacon underneath the ruins of the World Trade Center.

[Crolis]

I'll admit, this article was a bit childish, but I had to laugh at this line:

"Ron Paul. No, not the bore worms! Ambassador to Outer Space."

[lentulusgracchus]

Does NR have a cookie cutter to stamp out these FrumFrum’s by the dozen?

He's pitch-perfect for Bill Maher and Al Franken. I had to read his earlier, July 2009 piece (linked above, courtesy of our FRiend) to get an inkling that his objective might include satire.

Still want to know <snort!> what his idea of a sure-fire GOP candidate might be.

[lentulusgracchus]

Obama is doing a bang-up job of sending himself into the polling basement to where no level of MSM spin and bias can pull him out for a re-election win

Amen bump. To win, you have to beat their something with something of your own. Obama's balances are sinking faster than the Fed's.

[Diogenesis]

NRO says that the bottom line is "Forget Romneycare."

Can't imagine why.

[Verginius Rufus]

Clinton spent a huge amount of money on generic anti-Republican advertising in key states before the 1996 campaign opened (this went under radar because they didn't spend any in the states they were already sure of like New York and California). Then Dole had to use all his primary taxpayer-supplied campaign money to get the nomination (fending off people like Steve Forbes who had endless amounts of money but no chance of being elected)...so Dole was broke until the Republican convention.

Dole was a poor campaigner against one of the most skillful campaigners ever but kept Clinton under 50% of the popular vote. I don't know if anyone else who ran in 1996 would have done better.

[Verginius Rufus]

I like what I have seen of General Petraeus but we don't know where he stands on issues not related to the military or national security, and he may have no interest in going into politics.

Of 43 men elected President to date, there haven't been that many generals--Washington, Jackson, William Henry Harrison, Taylor, Pierce, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, Eisenhower. Only one in the last 120 years since those old enough to become generals in the Civil War got too old to run for President.

[dirtboy]

I'm no Sarah-bot, I'm leaning towards her but would like other viable options as well so we have a good choice and a good primary.

But you apparently just like insulting those who favor her with lame, pointless ad hominem responses. It's what we've come to expect from the PDS brigade.

[dirtboy]

And in case you failed to notice, no one has attacked neverdem for his post, as it was reasoned. But you came wading in and provoked a flame war with your #16, and then have the nerve to post large-font 'Exhibit A' and 'Exhibit B' posts when YOU started the flames.

So how's this for exhibit A - kiss my pasty Arse.