“Lame” and “Lamer.”
I’m a midwesterner and graduate of a Big Ten school with a son attending my alma mater ... and I completely agree with your assessment. Lame and Lamer just about covers it.
How about:
Anti-Catholic Bigot division (or, “Know Nothing” division (would include Michigan, Ohio State, Wisconsin, Illinois. Purdue and Northwestern); and
Suckhole division (Knute Rockne’s colorful description of a Big Ten referee): all the other suckholes.