Posted on 04/29/2010 2:01:25 PM PDT by Bean Counter
The news that Security and Exchange Commission (SEC) employees were using government computers to watch porn sites on the job while the country was sinking into a financial crisis, has caused the national media to stop the ongoing campaign of bashing the bishops and punishing the Pope, and focus on exposing the SEC - an organ largely responsible for enforcing the President's policies of spanking the suspects of banking violations.
The SEC workers, who were being paid between $99,000 and $223,000 a year for sharpening their pencils, were nervously gripping their glue sticks and whiteouts as their chief executive Mrs. Palmer and her five associates were taking a stand before the members of the media. "A dirty mind might call these images sexually suggestive," she spoke into the microphone. "But our staffers merely observed best practices while getting hand-on experience in managing the growing crisis, as well as researching new angles in our handling of the finance industry and stimulating the economy."
*SNIP*
Our correspondent took the opportunity to take a tour of the SEC and speak with its staffers.
*SNIP*
Fistina Willies, the SEC accountant whose computer allegedly contained 600 pornographic images, was busy debugging her hard drive. "I'm overwhelmed by a mound of work related to underhanded dealings I have to probe," she said. "The laptop on my lap gives me sweaty thighs, and I'm working my fingers to the bone doing repetitive activities. But this job pays my bills. I don't want to be out in the streets shaking hands with the unemployed. A job in hand is better than two in the bush. Which reminds me, I used to have my fingers full with my own personal Bush policy issues. I can't go into all the details but some of what the previous administration requested from me to do really rubbed me raw", she stated. "At least now I got my own PDA - Personal Digital Assistant - that makes finishing tasks at hand a breeze."
Like many at the organization, a senior SEC lawyer Frank Spanking was wearing thick tinted eyeglasses. "I was so busy climbing the corporate ladder, I have hardly any time for personal life, although I'm known to be a virtuoso flute soloist and used to climb Mount Baldy and date Miss Michigan as a law student. But now as the economy hit the speed bump, all I can afford is couch hockey, five-minute vacations south of the border, and quick dates with Mrs. Fist in the closet. "My eyes are getting weaker, so I'm glad Obamacare was passed, it'll keep the optometrists in business for a long time," he said.
**SCHNIPP**
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