Another Chapter Excerpt from Joel Schnoor’s marvelous and much needed book:
(from Aunt Ruth Is She for Whom the Bell Tolls)
Ring! Ring! Ring! “Hello,” a voice meekly uttered on the other end of the telephone.
“Hello,” I began, disguising my voice with a falsetto that masked my husky baritone. “May I speak with Aunt Ruth?”
“This is her,” the voice at the other end cautiously replied.
“Aunt Ruth!” I exclaimed, dropping the falsetto. “This is she, this is she, this is she,” I continued in the most reprimanding tone I could muster.
“This is whom?” she asked, clearly confused.
“This is who!” I said, correcting her again.
“No, I asked you first,” she argued. “Who is this?”
“This is your darling nephew,” said I.
“My darling nephew? I don’t have a darling nephew. I only have a nephew who is a real pain in the ...”
“Aunt Ruth,” I said, interrupting her. “This is he, in all his glory, here to correct the errors of your ways in the usage of to be.” I heard a sigh and then something that sounded like a gurgling noise at the other end of the line. “Aunt Ruth, are you okay?” I asked, showing the concern that only a darling nephew could show.
“Pardon me, darling nephew,” she said. “I was only ramming my index finger down my throat.”
“Oh, okay,” I responded, relieved. “Now, do you have a few minutes?”
“No!” she exclaimed.
“Good,” I countered. “Neither do I. This won’t even take a minute.” I heard nothing on the other end of the telephone. She had either died, fainted, or was merely in a stupor from the prospect of being on the receiving end of another English lesson. Choosing the optimistic viewpoint, I continued. “You absolutely should not say, ‘This is her.’ When you have a form of to be, including things like is, am, are, was, and were, and you have a noun (e.g., the subject) on one side and some noun on the other side, the nouns on either side of the verb have to be able to be a subject. For example, Sam is he. He is Sam. You would never say Sam is him because you cannot say him is Sam. Got it?” “No” “Okay, let me try this in a different way. Suppose you have the verb is and a phrase that looks like A is B. Both A and B have to be able to be subjects. If A or B are pronouns, they cannot be object pronouns, because an object pronoun cannot be a subject. Regular nouns (cat, mailbox, Tabasco sauce) do not have special object forms, but pronouns have object forms.” “They do?” “Yes they do. The object form of the personal pronoun I is me. The object form of he is him. The object form of she is her. The object form of they is them. The object form of we is us, and the object form of who is whom.” “How can I remember the object forms?” “Well, assuming you know some basic English already, just think of the statement I love you.”
“Look, if you are trying to butter me up so that I will include you in my will, you are barking up the wrong ...”
“No Aunt Ruth, that’s not what I meant.”
“You don’t mean it?”
“I do, but just listen. In the phrase I love you, I is the subject and you is the object. Replace the I in I love you with whatever pronoun you’re thinking of using with your to be verb. If the pronoun works, then it is not an object pronoun. If it doesn’t, then it is an object pronoun. Or, if you’d prefer, replace the you with your pronoun. If it works, the pronoun is an object pronoun.” “So you really mean it?” “Of course I do, dear aunt. Now, which is correct: he loves you or him loves you?”
“He loves you, of course.”
“Good. She loves you or her loves you?”
“She loves you.”
“Right. Who loves you or whom loves you?”
“Who loves you.”
“Yep. I or me?”
“I.” “
They or them?”
“They.”
“We or us?”
“We.”
“There you have it. So when your verb is one of the to be guys, do not use the object pronouns. The man who cut down your peach tree is he. The woman who tried to machine wash your cat Fluffy is she. The guys who installed your wall to wall carpeting in the wrong house are they.” “Wow, poor cat.” “So you answered the phone and said, ‘This is her.’ In your sentence, you were trying to make her the equivalent of the subject. You cannot do that though, because her cannot be the subject.” “It cannot?”
“It cannot. The word her in this example is an object pronoun. You gave the book to her. You talked to her. You went with her.”
“Who is she?” “Who is who?” “This girl that I gave the book to, talked to, and went with.”
“Aunt Ruth, you just ended a sentence with a preposition.”
“Dear nephew, I’m going to take your prepositions and ...”
“Now Aunt Ruth, don’t get nasty.”
“Okay, okay, sorry. I forget sometimes to who I am speaking.”
“To whom.”
“To you.”
“No, I mean you should say to whom, not to who.”
“Why?”
“Who is the subject form, whom is the object form. The word to is a preposition and whom is the object of the preposition.”
“Wow, I actually almost understood that.”
“Good. Now, I’ll give you some short sentences. You tell me if they’re good or bad sentences.”
“Okay.”
“First sentence: He is the one.”
“I think that sentence is correct.”
“Very good, Aunt Ruth. That one is him.”
“That’s a good sentence.”
“No, that’s a bad sentence. That one is he. That one is he. That one is he.”
“Oh, right. You would never say, ‘Him is ...’”
“Good, Aunt Ruth. Here’s another phrase: for whom the bell tolls.”
“What bell?”
“It doesn’t matter. Is it for who or for whom?”
After a couple moments of silence, Aunt Ruth responded. “For whom?”
“Good, good,” I praised. “You’re doing great, Auntie.”
“Don’t talk to me like that, nephew. I’m not your Auntie. I’m your Aunt.”
“You are Aunt Ruth?”
“Yes, this is she.”
“Good, nicely done,” I replied.
“Nephew?” the voice at the other end asked.
“This is he,” I stated.
“This is who?” she asked.
“Yes, this is who,” I affirmed. I continued with, “On whom did I lay the egg?”
“On I,” she said victoriously.
“Wrong,” I sighed.
“Why is it wrong?” she asked.
“Because on is a preposition. Therefore it needs an object. It needs me.”
“Darling nephew, it does not need you.”
“No, I mean you should say that the egg was laid on me.” “It was on me, darling nephew.” “Very good, Aunt Ruth.”
“I don’t even know what I’m saying or to whom I am saying it. All I know is I am Aunt Ruth, this is she to whom you are speaking.”
“You are correct!” I heard one big sigh of relief.
A few moments passed and I heard nothing else. “Aunt Ruth?”
“What do you want?” she quietly asked.
“Let’s talk about its versus it’s.”
Click.
I do not like it, Sam I am.