Here are several must-reads for jazz fans and detractors alike (especially those who claim to play jazz) -
Careers in Jazz - Extremely funny and brilliant analysis of the profession.
Rules for Playing Jazz
1. Everyone should play the same piece.
2. Observe the repeat signs only if what you just played was interesting.
3. If you play a wrong note, glare at one of the other players.
4. The right note, at the wrong time, is a wrong note. (And vice-versa.)
5. A wrong note, played timidly, is a wrong note.
6. A wrong note, played with authority, is simply your interpretation of the phrase.
7. If everyone gets lost except you, follow the ones who are lost.
8. Strive always to play the maximum notes per second. This will intimidate the weaker players and gain you the admiration of the ignorant.
9. Markings for slurs, dynamics, and accidentals should be completely ignored. They are only there to make the score look more complicated.
10. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it is easy, speed up. Everything will even itself out in the end.
11. You have achieved a true interpretation when, in the end, you have not played one note of the original piece.
12. When everyone else stops playing, you should stop also. Do not play any notes you may have left over.
Jazz Clarinetist
A conductor is getting an orchestra together for a performance but is having trouble getting a clarinet player. Finally, he calls a contractor, who tells him, "Well, the only guy I've got available at the moment is this jazz clarinetist." The conductor replies, "I can't stand working with jazz musicians. They dress lousy, they're always late, and they all have an attitude problem." "Well," replies the contractor, "that's all I've got." "All right," says the conductor, "I'm getting pretty desperate, so I guess I'll have to take him."
The first rehearsal is a week later. The conductor arrives early and notices the new clarinetist, wearing a suit and tie, with a pencil on his stand, sitting on stage practicing his part. During the rehearsal, the clarinetist plays his part quite well and is responsive to all the conductor's requests.
At the second rehearsal, a week later, the same thing happens. This time, the clarinetist turns in a nearly perfect performance. One week later, at the final dress rehearsal, this occurs again, with the clarinetist now playing his part flawlessly.
At the break in the rehearsal, the conductor says to the orchestra, "I've got an apology to make. I was really dreading having to work with a jazz musician, but I must say that our clarinet player has certainly proved me wrong. He is always neatly dressed, he was always here early for the rehearsals, working on the part, and he has really learned the music."
Then, to the clarinet player, "I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate your effort and dedication." To which the clarinetist replies, "Hey, it's the least I can do, since I got this better paying gig, and I'm gonna have to send a sub."
Jazz Musicians Bailout
Jazz musicians look to federal budget for bailout support
Washington, D.C.
In light of the recent downturn in the American economy, the nations jazz musicians have joined the long line of lobby groups looking to Washington for support as the economy slides into a deepening recession.
The jazz industry is asking Washington for a bailout package and major subsidies on par with that of the auto sector.
As such, jazz musicians also want access to credit and tax breaks to stimulate investment and help the development of new recording and performance opportunities.
“This recession has really got me dragged, ya dig?” says Luther “Hip Bones” Jones III, a New York City saxophonist and a cornerstone of the little known Wall Street Avant-Garde jazz scene.
“I mean, now that gigs aren’t a flowin’ like they used, I actually have to get up before noon and find a way to make some coin!”
Similarly, Jones’ associate Willie “Fat Cheeks” Hughes comments that with the economy in near chaos, the demand for his jazz bagpipe skills has waned considerably. Hughes also comments that with a sluggish economic situation, he will soon have to find another girlfriend or else face certain “homelessness.”
While this crisis has been brewing for some time, a recent spike in the number of trombonists delivering pizzas in New York’s Greenwich Village has recently brought this dire situation to the public’s attention.
Last week, however, jazz advocate Wynton Marsalis met with President George W. Bush and the White House economic team to discuss the worsening situation for America’s jazz artists and a possible stimulus package.
Marsalis was quoted as saying: “I think it’s important for the government to understand that our musical recession has actually been worsening since the demise of New York’s 52nd Street scene in the early 50’s and thanks to the racket these kids call “Hip Hop”. They really should have seen this coming. Once Miles went electric, it’s all been down hill.” As Marsalis continued,”I think that a strong monetary stimulus package and a mandatory listening of Duke Ellington records should encourage a healthy economic recovery.”
President Bush responded to these comments by replying that: “Mr. Margolis has a very good point here. The country will be in dire straights if we lose our “jazzy” beats. I mean, personally, I always enjoy a little Kenny G in the evening while I try to woo the First Lady.”
Bush also commented that a global consensus on the state of the jazz economy will have to be reached. “The way things stand, America’s jazz artists just can’t compete with the lower paid jazz artists currently flooding the market from China.”
In related news: America’s Blues musicians report an increase in depressing lyrics. “Indicates a reflection of the times” claims one downtrodden guitarist whose wife recently left him and whose dog has died.