Unbeknownst to you, Tidewater happens to be the location of the entire nation's Strategic Tropical-Flavored Lifesaver Candy Stockpile.
And while they do intend to hit it with a nuclear device, they will be using the Gamma-Pain-Ray-Emitter version of the W-32 Nuclear Device, which causes bad Indian Burns and Wedgies but does not cause death.
You are so screwed.
After that, a megaswarm of hyperactive zombie pirates in jetpaks will be dispatched to the greater Tidewater area to hunt down any human survivors and submit those survivors to Hypersonic Titty Twisters before using their flaming corkscrew penises to [expletive deleted] them in the [redacted by moderators].
Maybe I should re-think my strategy.