The Seasons of the Year (Vanity)

Wow! Where has the year gone? I can’t believe it’s time for the annual “Fall Homeowner’s Insurance Debacle” again. I keep meaning to put it on my calendar, but each year, I hope that after I fax the information to you in the latter part of September/first part of October when you first send a letter asking for it, you’ll actually get the information to my file and we won’t have to go through the annual “We’ve Purchased Homeowner’s Insurance And It Will Be Charged To Your Escrow Account” exercise, but alas I live in hope and die in despair.

I realize that this leads to the annual “Winter You’re Home is in Pre-Foreclosure Due to Violation of Contract Terms” celebration, when you find out that there is no “Escrow Account” (due to the inadequacy of the financing documents you acquired when you purchased my loan from Countrywide), and you add the insurance costs to my monthly payment (which I don’t pay because I sent you the Disclosure page from my policy at least twice by fax and mail throughout the months of September, October and November) and I want to thank you for all it adds to my life throughout the year. That Notice of Foreclosure always leads to my annual exchange of correspondence with the sweetest couple in my neighborhood who appear to have no life whatsoever.

Each year, they send me the cutest handwritten letter on notebook paper advising me they know my home loan is being foreclosed upon, and offering to buy my house before it hits the foreclosure sale to save me the embarrassment of public humiliation. They must REALLY love my house, bless their hearts, but I have to write and tell them I still need it, but if they could wait until my remains are cold and in the ground, I’m sure my son would be happy to consider their offer.

All of the year cycles with your wonderful institution have become such a part of my life. For instance, after you invade my bank account and draw out money to pay for my lapses in the faithful exercise of my obligations under our various loan and credit agreements and countless checks bounce it brings us to the late spring annual ritual of “Finding Out Why All My Checks Are Bouncing” and “Where Did My Money Go” and the annual closing of my bank accounts and opening new ones which leads to incredible moments of hilarious exchanges with my various creditors who find it hard to believe that any institution like yours “which is too big to fail” could FUBAR fiduciary business transactions so badly that the fault MUST BE MINE, I get money transferred back to my account and get all my bills back in order, it’s time for the annual “Confession” ritual that I faithfully observe.

In August, I renew my commitment to Christ and make a huge penance because I have to confess to my priest that I have terrible thoughts of violence and prayers toward you and your families to be tortured and raped and burn in hell eternally for the misery you cause me throughout the year. The priest, of course, is shocked. I am overwrought with guilt for my thoughts of vengeance and prayers for apocalyptic retribution against all of you who work at __________ (because I really wouldn’t hurt anyone and my wrath is just very short-lived, because I look at all of you sitting in your 17th Floor mahogany offices, having just been forced to take charity from our government, wondering how bad things can happen to good people, and I feel sorry for my angry thoughts.)

In summation, I offer my usual third transmission of my Homeowner’s Insurance Policy Declaration Page via the US Mail and wish you all the best in this season of “Fall Homeowner’s Insurance Debacle”. I realize ours is a love/hate relationship – you love to screw with my life and anxiety levels, and I hate for you to do it. Have a wonderful holiday season and I look forward to hearing from you through your annual “Foreclosure Notice” early next year.

I feel your pain. I was never so happy to hear that WaMu bit the dust last year. They made my life hell in the late 90’s and still held onto refunds for 60 days AFTER closing...

How much is easing your pain worth?

Is it worth changing lending institutions?

If you answer “No,” then why did you write this vanity?

Can no longer change lending institutions, income has gone down too much to qualify — besides the loan has been sold three times. I've refinanced away from lenders and wind up back with them. Don't be a doofus — this was a vent — not a call for arms.

It's been going on since 2003 — every single year. It's a vent. I've been in the house for 17 years going on 18, I've never missed a payment. I have also never had the problem until I refinanced to cover my mother's medical bills. Made a desperate decision at a desperate time — now, I have to live with the consequences, but I don't have to like them.

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