Posted on 06/30/2009 6:42:11 AM PDT by Kaslin
From a freedom-loving perspective, it appears President Obama has the economic sense of a six-year-old child. Obama and his faithful administration are taking heat as of late due to their mismanagement of the American economy. This brings up their latest scheme, the American Clean Energy and Security Act, which imposes a tax on farts.
Numerous absurdities are included in this gargantuan 1000+ page bill, including a bovine flatulent tax. Translation: farmers will be charged when their cows engage in chemical warfare.
The cow farting problem and the way it contributes to pollution is no secret, but people generally laugh it off as a trivial matter. Not so much anymore. The more farting going on, the more money the government will take.
It is estimated that cows emit anywhere from 26 to 132 gallons of methane daily, which is a level that competes with the average methane discharge from cars. Methane is one of the many identified evils in the global warming fanatic world. Environmentalists have made the agricultural community their demolition project and are advocating worldwide vegetarianism; all for the sake of reducing methane production.
The Stop Cow Farting Crew seldom gets very far when advocating a complete overhaul in people's diets, because methane is a naturally occurring nontoxic gas, and thus far humans have lived with it and have been able to manipulate it without harming the surrounding environment. But little by little the crazed environmentalists are accomplishing their goals.
According to the American Clean Energy and Security Act, the only way to live with the cows and their methane toots is to tax the already suffering cattle and dairy farmers.
This provision in the bill hardly seems fair for farmers. If the government is so concerned about methane problems and boosting the economy, why not encourage people to eat more red meat? The more meat people buy the more regulated cow farms/populations become, and the more money is pumped into the economy.
Of course that would bring up some major glitches for the present administration. The Hindu communities may be offended; PETA and other like-minded activists would feel forced into a state of animal injustice delirium; it would fuel unwanted nagging from vegetarian friends and family; and it would prove that private enterprise does work.
So scratch that idea, it would obviously inconvenience and shame too many loyal liberal crusaders.
Sadly, it looks as if farmers must comply with Obama’s demands. But why stop with the cows? Everyone and everything is guilty of methane emission, granted some more than others. But there are specific industries that promote such vile and obvious harm to the earth.
Take the pharmaceutical companies, for example: they sell laxatives. Laxatives encourage people to release abnormal amounts of methane. Thus, pharmaceutical companies should be punished for ever selling laxatives and future use and sale of laxatives should be banned.
Oh, tea and coffee ought to be widely protested, along with any place producing and serving them. Their morning methane freeing stance is no secret, and the earth does not have to stand for such selfish indulgences at the price of her melting ozone.
Also, Mexican food has the reputation for boosting digestive activity. Everyone knows what happens after digestion is complete. Therefore, Mexican food and any facility serving black beans should heretofore be banned. Mexicans are not banned, just their food.
It is actually no wonder Obama is such an abortion advocate: Babies cannot control their excretion of methane. All babies really are just methane-producing machines. In fact, babies are on the forefront of the methane war against the ozone. The solution: Get rid of as many babies as possible before they have the chance to threaten the atmosphere.
The ban on all products conducive to methane discharge might appear far-fetched or even downright absurd. But what is more bizarre is the fact that there is a $864 million, 1000+ page unread spending bill that got through the House of Representatives and is now floating around the Senate, and in that bill there is a fart fee.
Citizens of America, it must be handed to Obama and his administration. They are being incredibly proactive with their social responsibilities. Since the people elected them into office, they have acted with rapid urgency in an effort to define freedoms, limit choices, infringe laws and question independence.
The provision for a bovine flatulent tax in the American Clean Energy and Security Act is step one to ensuring a better, more constipated America. Changing it from an America that was once free, creative, innovative, powerful, liberating, opportune, glorious and happy and turning it into a slow, grumbling, dull, selfish and miserable place that forever remembers what it once was and has no hope for what it could be.
IOW, your a$$ is theirs!
Next up ... a tax on breathing AND exhaling!!!!
Once upon a time, in pre-Civil War America, buffalo herds thundered across the Great Plains by the many millions.
I haven’t done the actual research, but I’m willing to hazard a good guess there were many more of them, then, than there are dairy cows and other farm-raised cattle now.
And, obviously, the buffalo farted in far greater total volume (you should pardon the expression) than all the farmer-based herds of today do.
It’s not about protecting the world: it’s about gaining the power to dictate how everyone should live down to the tinyest detail.
I call it tyranny.
Pull my finger..........
Does this mean we will be taxing all the hot air and fumes emanating from the steaming piles in the congress, senate and WH? .....no I didn’t think so, they are exempt.
I suppose this means there will be many new openings in the new Department of Flatulence Enforcement. Just how many cows do they expect one person to be able to monitor without hurting themselves and creating an OSHA problem. Is there such a thing yet as “nostril tunnel syndrome”?
Obviously, we must immediately — and at vast government expense — undertake an emergency crash program to design and engineer a C.F.S.U. (Cow Fart Sequestration Unit.)
Each cow, or other offending animal, would wear a soft inflatable plastic bag, secured with duct tape around the cow’s Primary Fart Release Orifice. The bag would “accept” the “puff”, and then a solar-electric powered small compressor would pass the compressed fart into a gas storage cylinder. A tasteful harness, not unlike a saddle, would be worn by the animal, to hold the C.F.S.U. apparatus, and could even be “decorated” with cow-like colors and patterns in order to not contribute to visual pollution.
Each day, the cow would be milked, and the gas cylinder replaced with an empty. The compressed methane could be converted into Jet A to fuel Pelosi’s weekly trips to San Francisco.
Giving a whole new meaning to the term “brain fart”.
Somehow, I don’t feel sorry for my Wisconsin dairy-farming brother-in-law who voted for Obama.
You shouldn't feel sorry for him. You should welcome him to the Conservative Movement and whatever political party that chooses to represent it properly!
...or the cow pie mine field...
Expect Ozero to appoint a Flatulence czar in the upcoming weeks.
It is estimated that cows emit anywhere from 26 to 132 gallons of methane daily?
Really? How much water each day does a cow need to imbibe to keep with discharging that much waste in addion to the water required to digest food.
And then they need consume more water after they take dump.
That is a lot of water.
Ironic that the chair of the House Agriculture Committee voted for cap and trade. I think the farmers in his district will not be too happy.
Methane’s a gas, and a light one at that. At standard atomosphere/temperatures we’re talking about a 1/2 cubic yard cow fart that weighs only about a pound.
Taxing inhaling and exhaling? Since Cap and Trade is a tax on CO2, they’ve already got that covered. This would all be so unnecessary if only liberals would do the right thing and stop breathing.
Will Mayor Napoleon Bloomberg and his Boston counterpart Mumbles Menino order all establishments to be Fart Free or face Fart fines? Will all those nasty farters be forced to stand downwind at least 25 feet from the nasty smokers who are standing 25 feet from a building? Will Obama sign the UN Foul Air Reduction Treaty and declare a war on farting? Will Obama’s National Health Plan include Farting Cessation programs? How will this legislation affect the price of gas?
Will it include money for canned bean buyback programs?/sarc
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